Round Three

[Firehead]

I've already had two major depressive episodes in the last five years and now, I think, I am heading for a third.

I've been back at work for ten months after my second absence of over six months. The stress and anxiety have been building and my work situation has been the cause. Our environment at work is chaotic, undisciplined and a heavy workload.

However, until now I have been managing ... sort of. Anxious, yes. Depressed, no.

This morning I awoke with that feeling of hopelessness that I know so well. I've been tearful, listless and flat since then. Everytime I think about my wife (I adore her, by the way) I feel that I'm letting her down and worry about how she'll cope ... not in any specific way just generally if I'm depressed.

I was sure that I could "beat it" this time but that is not to be!

[NoPoet]

If I had the power to do it, I'd wreak furious vengeance on depression for everything it's done to people.

But in your case the problem is gonna be anxiety. You probably crave order and guidelines, where everyone knows what everyone is supposed to be doing. This represents a fear of uncertainty. Do you find yourself to be a secure person, or do you need a lot of reassurance? You might be in the wrong job to be honest - if you really loved it, would you have been signed off sick?

Hopelessness is a natural response to a situation you feel you can't control so whether or not you were depressed in the past is largely irrelevant. Anyway, you beat it twice, so why does depression keep coming back? It must love getting its arse kicked!

You are not letting anyone down, you just need to get things straightened out for yourself and find out what you want, what you like, how you prefer to work, then see if your job is compatible with any of this. Don't turn this all into being your fault - if you are not suited to the way you are currently doing things, you must change them and not force yourself to fit the wrong shape.

[Firehead]

Thank you very much for your insightful reply. I do seem to need reassurance though it shames me to admit it!

I do wonder about my job sometimes but it's what I've always been good at and so, even though it "drives me mad" it provides comfort too; paradox or what!?

I tend to takes things on and make them personal - I cannot tolerate making errors.

[Speranza]

Well - you are good at the job, but not at coping with what it entails for you emotionally maybe? I am assured by many parents and kids that I am a fantastic teacher, and I love it, but I have had to face the fact that unless I change job I shall be an emotional wreck forever. :( Nothing to do with the job, just how Education is in the UK right now.

I wonder if they ever made Reasonable Adjustments for you? With Anxiety that could very well be a predictable daily routine etc.