I have tried counselling/cbt etc numerous times but I am not one for opening up to strangers in person, but, give me an internet forum and I'll talk all 4 legs and the tail off a donkey!
So prepare yourself now this will be a LONG post but I love this forum and think everyone is so nice that I feel welcome and able to finally get 20 years of anxiety off my chest, I am sure it will do me some good!
I am going to basically do a timeline of stuff that's happened and I'd really like you guys and girls to basically sum up if I am the way I am due to stuff that's happened, I hope that makes sense!
I am female, 33 and single. I have not worked for nearly 3 years due to moderate M.E (CFS), Fibro, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, IBS and a few other medical issues thrown in, all diagnosed and confirmed I hasten to add.
Once upon a time, 33 years ago, I was born to a loving mother and father. My Dad was a massive hypochondriac, if he wasn't rushing to the doctors or hospital for himself it was for my Mum or me and my 3 years younger brother. My Dad had his own health issues, a heart valve replacement at a young age, degenerative spine issues and stomach problems. He died young at 54 from Pancreatic and secondary lung cancer.
My Mum was the total opposite of my Dad, a wonderful mother but very matter of fact about health, never a worrier, very proactive, she was very fit and well apart from childhood epilepsy but was struck down with breast cancer aged 45. The cancer later returned everywhere and she died aged 62.
When I was in my mid teens I developed an eating disorder through stress, my parents were fighting badly and despite me being a priviledged child I was not happy. I went horse riding every week and my Dad put so much pressure on me, real psychological cr@p like "if you don't do better this week you'll be responsible for my heart failing". I was physically sick on horse riding days non-stop. This led to anorexia, anemia and panic attacks.
My Dad was apparently constantly dying of something, I think it stemmed from my Mum having cancer the first time round. He used to make me feel so bad and guilty and I was always his carer and to be honest treated like a slave. My Mum finally had enough when I was 17 and left.
2 years later I had enough and left. My Dad was constantly doing his usual emotional blackmail to get me back home again, always about he was dying of something. One day I turned up and he was YELLOW. He went into hospital and they told me he had terminal cancer but he seemed ok and the staff were talking about home care, my Dad insisted I went on my holiday I had booked so I did. The day I returned from holiday he died just 5 minutes before I got to the hospital. I was 20 years old.
I hate myself and always will.
The panic attacks got so much worse after this and I became agoraphobic for several months, my poor Mum had to come and look after me and use all her work holiday to help me as my fiancee left me. I was such a burden on her, I feel so bad about it.
I got to a stage where I went back to work and things were starting to go reasonably well again, I still had anxiety and panic attacks but I was learning to control them or get through them.
When my Mum's cancer had returned and she was diagnosed as terminal I left my job, sold my house and moved as close to her as I could, I used my house profit to live of as I didn't want to miss a moment with my Mum and my anxiety was so bad the thought of going to work in this new city terrified me. I had no friends either as they were all back 200 miles away!
When the final day came I saw my Mum looking like a corpse in the hospital and I chose to go home. She too died alone without me there. I was 25 years old.
I hate myself and always will.
How could I do that TWICE, I am evil.
Since losing both my parents I have a pretty serious issue with health anxiety. I am not a hypochondriac because I never worry about things when I feel fine.
What's worse is that in 2006 I started to become ill a LOT, I literally had tonsillitis 6 times in a row and then Glandular Fever, swine flu (yes it was the H1N1 as I was tested) so my health anxiety went through the roof.
I then become constantly tired with horrendous pain and was still getting every bug under the sun and it took 4 years to diagnose me with M.E/CFS and Fibromyalgia.
So now I live everyday in pain with overwhelming fatigue which means my health anxiety NEVER goes away. Psychiatric help still does not help me, I clam up.
I have lost everything in my life that I worked hard for, I have no home, I am a lodger in someone else's house, I have no money, no friends and earlier this year I left my emotionally abusive boyfriend of 5 years. My new GP that I have been with for 4 months hates me, he laughed at me for phoning out of hours doctors as I locked a muscle in my neck, no joke I could NOT move my head at all I was terrified! The GP's receptionist also called me a frequent flier. I have since complained and now see a more tolerant GP but I still fear they are sick of me and laugh at me so I am too scared to go now.
I currently have an ear infection or virus and feel quite unwell and scared but I am too embarrassed to go see my GP as I feel like a waste of space.
I am so sorry this is so long. I have spent my whole life not being able to talk to anyone and it's been a horrible burden. I feel alone and like a complete waste of oxygen that shouldn't be allowed to live. I feel like a benefit scrounging waste of space and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with no friends, I hate it and I miss my parents so much
I don't really know why I posted this. I guess reading everyones stuff on here made me feel like I am in the right place to talk and not be judged.
Thank you for listening
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