My depression causes aggression

[JCRyanDenton]

For my life (lately this has been less of an issue, but is still there) i have had history of sometimes being aggressive to others in stressful situations. In schools i often got into fights with others due to the insanely hostile environment of the special ed places i have been to. In primary i would often play fight but nothing dangerous or even harmful, just kids being kids. But ever since secondary i have never been able to do that, play fighting is dangerous according to the staff and the kids there were so hostile and aggressive themselves (they could get off easy, me on the other hand...) and got into real fights over stupid crap.

With these horrible circumstances, when i got into an aggressive stance, i feel a sense of hopelessness and loneliness, the reason for the aggression was depression from the lack of genuine social support from intelligent people (this is a special school where most were not very intelligent or sociable) and my anger at the boring place i was forced to be in where i was treated like i was still in primary, with dumbed down work and incredibly restrictive environments. When i got in this stance, i would not think straight, i would become completely unchained in my mind and body, and would just launch myself at the person and try to wrestle them to the ground in order to create a sense of domination and control over my enemy (the main one was a mentally unstable boy who got off easy despite being in serious need of mental help). I rightfully got punished when these occurred. To this day i still get guilt about this and it tears me up inside, and this hasn't happened in a school environment in a year. But since i realised how the aggression seemed to start when i was in special ed, perhaps being around special ed pupils isn't good for my mental well being. And right now i might be dropping out of my current school and focus on getting to college and improving my well being.

I am rather unsure if i can cure this issue, i haven't been around a group of people my age within a year, and outside of school...never really. No kidding, my life has been empty and boring for too long.

There are too many issues i need to address, my sexual hormones need some attending too as well which would help a great deal. And i can't get myself to write due to my mind feeling "lazy", and i can't seem to snap out of it due to my boring and stiff (yeah literally) lifestyle.

[Otter13]

Hi JC, firstly a hug
Second, you are not alone. I do a similar thing, when I feel my emotions get out of control I automatically switch to anger. It feels like a 'safe' emotion to me because I know it so well and it feels like it is both protective and energetic rather that the grim lifelessness of depression. I have lost plenty of friends/partners over it as I lash out and am horrible to the people who try to care for me.
The only advice I can offer is go to your GP and ask to be referred to a psychology centre for assessment. I did and ended up doing a course of therapy which has helped me understand my emotions and feel like I have a little more control. It's not perfect but it's better than it was and I'm still working on it.
I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon.