Coping with change

[Annie0904]

For as long as I remember I have found changes difficult. Two of my first memories are my first day of school, I cried and screamed all day and the other was one day when my teacher didn't come into school. I think I was about 5 at that time and I remember the headmistress coming into our class and taking us through another class. I remember asking where we were going and she said "Oh you can just stay here!" We were being split into different classes and I was terrified.
Even in my last job, my colleagues picked up on this and would always 'warn' me in advance of any changes in the department.

My anxiety has been under control for the past few months after a horrendous year last year. The past few days though I have felt the anxiety creeping back. I haven't slept well the past few nights so I am really tired.

Some of you already know that I had to leave work earlier this year (in a secondary school). I tried hard to get more work and got a few little cleaning jobs. One of them I really loved, cleaning for an elderly man. Sadly it didn't last more than 3 months as he had aggressive lung cancer and he passed away. I had grown very attached to him and ended up more in a caring role than a cleaning one. I really miss that job. I have another couple of cleaning jobs which I guess I haven't really got my heart into and it is more of a chore. I am getting scared to find more work but know I really need to as we need the money. My poor hubby should have retired last March but can't because I am not earning enough.

We are having a new kitchen put in during the next few weeks and I can feel my anxiety levels getting higher again. I was supposed to be going to chose the flooring tonight but I just want to hide in my bedroom and cry :( I am trying to tell myself it is just because I am so tired and tomorrow is another day. I had reduced my meds gradually from 125 mg down to 25 mg and was hoping to stop altogether but I guess that isn't going to happen now and maybe I should increase the dose again :(

[lizzie29]

Hi Annie

Don't see it as a negative if you have to increase meds. We all go through blips, and just because you are doesn't mean it'll last long. The weather has been horrendous and the clocks have changed, and both of these increase my anxiety - could that have affected you too?

I'd give it another week or so before upping meds, as you may feel better again by then. Up to you though obviously

A lot of people would be worried about new jobs etc, so don't be hard on yourself for that. I know personally I worry about being worried and get angry with myself for being worried, and I have to remind myself that EVERYONE worries to some degree at some times, but just don't dwell on it like I do.

Lack of sleep is a killer for my anxiety, so hopefully once you sleep better your anxiety will improve.

Here for you anytime. Xxx

[Annie0904]

I think you are right Lizzie with the clocks going back and the weather, they do affect me. I was also just thinking...I was like this for a few days about a month ago. My periods stopped 16 months ago (I'm 55) but I am sure I am still getting the horrible PMT :( If that is what it is I should pick up in a few days (says me hopefully).

[MRS STRESS ED]

Annie it sounds like you have a lot to cope with at the moment im not supprised your feeling anxious ,the pressure of work and like you I feel bad on my hubby he works so hard ,and if your like me I hate these cold dark nights always make me feel more anxious ,hope you feel better soon

[Annie0904]

My hubby works away through the week so I do get more anxious in the winter nights. I am trying to do as much as I can to keep busy with my crafts.
My daughter is getting married next September and I am already stressing over what I am going to wear...What am I like?!

[Tessar]

well, annie I think there are numerous things going on here. You're tired first and foremost and any of us would struggle to think straight when we are very tired. That above all is heightening how you are feeling.
Second, the situation with your hubby, that isn't your fault. Its just how life pans out sometimes. I can relate to why you'd feel responsible for him still working but you didn't lose that nice job on purpose. It happened because of a cruel twist didn't it? Also you are missing both the job and your lovely friend who you cleaned for. I feel it is very natural for you to feel down about missing him. He was lovely as you said and you were attached to him. I believe from your description of him that I'd miss him too.
Going back a bit further, you really did have a horrendous year last year. There is no denying that and after what happened recently with your friendly elderly chap, it is understandable you feel unsettled. Also I would have to agree that feeling the other jobs are a chore is also understandable since you dont have the attachment to the people. I doubt I would either. You are making alot of sense to me is what I am trying to get across. It doesnt help either that your experiences when little werent great and having anxiety brought on by change is natural anyway but especially so with your past experiences.
Give it time Annie, you can find work but it may take time. As regards feeling scared to find more work, treat it as an exercise. You can look for work but there is no marker that says "you must take this job or that job". You will know when the time is right or when the right opportunity pops up. But bearing in mind the job market has been rubbish for a long time, I feel you have been very industrious in finding way of earning money anyway. So please dont berate yourself because you are a positive person underneath that anxiety. You never use anxiety as an excuse in fact you use it as a tool to beat yourself up with!
So.......you listen to the guvnor, Auntie Tessar. Stop beating yourself up ya hear? Give yourself credit where it is due. You work bloomin' hard and have found motivation difficult sometimes but that hasnt stopped you getting out there and getting on. By all means compare where you are now to say 12 months ago. And I feel you will see massive positive change. What's happening at the moment is one of those times where life itself isnt dealing you with very good cards. I mean, c'mon, you are lost a friend here and someone who you enjoyed working for. That's two losses isnt it?
So..... please be kind to yourself eh? Promise??????

[anx mum]

hi annie im so sorry your feeling like this its horrid and awful im going through same. U have done so well reducing your meds, maybe u do need to start bk again to help with feeling so low. Not sleeping also will add to how u feel. I feel scared to sleep at mo cos the chest pains im getting thanks for posting on my thread means alot we will get there

[Annie0904]

Tessar Thank you so much (even though you made me cry ). I know I expect too much from myself sometimes and have to remember I am not Super woman!
I think this kitchen thing is getting to me...if I was Superwoman I would just be able to go whoosh and the new kitchen would be fitted (Or would that be Samantha in Bewitched?).

---------- Post added at 19:15 ---------- Previous post was at 19:15 ----------

Bev, Thank you very much and I hope you start to feel better soon.

[Col]

Annie nooooooo, you've been such an inspiration to me over this year, please reflect on your accomplishments you've certainly spurred me on & I'm sure many other NMPers.

Bless I think as mentioned, clocks going back and money worries are enough to get any one down. Has your jsa stopped now? Have you considerd going back to what u did before?

So much pressure - just when you manage to get yourself right and take a break - its time to get back out there and especially with money worries...... Life's so hard for some of us at times

[Annie0904]

My ESA finishes this month. I have considered going back to a similar job and registered for supply work but then I got myself in such a panic that I told them I couldn't do it. Maybe I would be able to work in Primary rather than secondary but I just feel so scared of commitment at the moment. The thing is my hubby isn't worried at all. he says he would rather have me not working if it makes me less anxious and he is sure we will manage. he enjoys his job so is happy to carry on working.