Desperate

[pip1971]

After several hours of dark thoughts and googling I have ended up here. Have suffered from depression for most of my adult life...I have recently been diagnosed with emotional dysregulation disorder too. 18 years ago I had my first child. A year ago I had my second child....and the way I feel is exactly the same with both of them and its never changed..my eldest is disabled..a cruel disease that started at age 2 and robbed her of her mobility..but even before that I remember feeling so trapped and anxious and scared of her and as she has got older, it still feels that way...and here we go again....my youngest is lovely. But yet the fear around being alone with her is huge...there is no reasoning behind it...but tonight my partner says he is helping his brother tomorrow and that means I will have both my girls and I honestly felt like driving away and worse...sometimes its easier for me to put it into words than others... with my baby - such as what if she cries, what if she doesn't settle in the car, what if she wont let me have a shower...what if I have to be in the room with her all the time. I have to go on a 3 hour round trip by car with the both of them tomorrow and I don't know how im going to face it...Monday I have no plans and the day seems so scary...I cant be at home for more than an hour alone with my baby. what is wrong with me...

[luci]

I felt exactly the same way when my son was born. First off well done for facing the fear again and having another child, I don't think I am that strong

Have you spoken to your partner about this? Does he understand and acknowledge your feelings? Have you spoken to your health visitor/doctor about your anxiety? I know these things are easier said than done and you may feel worried people are going to judge you, that's how I felt, however my GP and health visitor were fab. Do you have any friends or relatives that you could confide in or visit during the day? Its a good way to cope and break up the day when you have these feelings. Your health visitor can let you know about the local groups available for mums, where you can network, get support and again break up the day, the childrens centres are great for this if you have one near you?

Finally don't forget that all mums feel overwhelmed at some point. As long as the children are fed, dry and safe there is no harm in popping out of the room for 5 mins to collect yourself...

I hope this helps a little?