Trying to Overcome Depression

[Karen]

I'm new to this board. I'm writing this because I feel like I haven't got the strength to carry on. I can't talk to anyone because I have a social phobia and find it impossible to speak. I've been feeling increasing depressed and have been hitting myself as a way of trying to cope with the mental pain I'm feeling but that just makes me feel more of a freak. I've had social phobia since the age of 12 (I'm now 35) and I've isolated myself from everyone because I can't cope with socialising. There was someone who cared about me and understood a long time ago but I've even made her hate me now. I feel selfish and guilty for thinking about killing myself because I know its the coward's way out but I can't see anything in the future except more hurting and I don't think I can take it anymore.

[Rennie1989]

hiya briary

im so sorry to hear ur havin a bad time

by the way im Jade, 14, and i also have social phobia, it can take me a year or so to get to know sum1.

wats makin u feel suicidal, just the fact u find it hard to socialize???

there are loadz of peeps here who suffer the same as u, i even tried to commit suicide but i found a light at the uva end of the tunnel

welcome to the site anyway



Scooter Girl

if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears

[silentcalligraph]

First of all: welcome! I'm sorry you feel so bad but by coming here and posting you've already made a huge and important first step - you are talking and socializing right now. That's a sign that no matter how you feel there's still strength left, and there's more where that is coming from. You have been coping for so long with an enormous amount of pain, you must be a very strong person.

You must feel horribly tired of it all and I can understand and sympathize. Many people here have gone through similar black holes or are just in the middle of one like you. We try to help each other as good as we can and I'm sure you'll find comfort and good advice (when you're ready) here and I'm also sure you'll be able to do the same for others.

I hope you'll stay with us and you'll manage to find strenght, comfort and hope here!

[andrew]

hi briary,
sorry to read that you are feelings so down, hopefully sharing your feeling with us has lifted you a little.
thats a long time to suffer. i know that emptiness and hurt that can be caused by social anxiety - but i wanted to try and offer you some hope, i was 36 when i started to recover and 2 1/2 years later, its a different better life.
keep in touch, you take care .......... andrew

[seh1980]

hi briary,

Welcome aboard!! Sorry to hear that you have been feeling down. It sounds like you have been suffering and felt alone for a long time. It must be very difficult. But please don't give up - there's always something that you can do to make things better. even if it's just something small each day to show yourself that you can improve things. Please let us know how you are getting on. Take care.

Sarah (seh1980)

[Karen]

Thanks for the messages of support. I'm guess I'm feeling so bad at the moment because I don't think I'll ever have a normal life. I feel so alone and even my own family don't understand the problems I have speaking and being around other people. I've tried so many things in the past to try to conquer my fears but I always fail to make any progress. I'm more scared of having to talk to someone than I am of harming myself. No one can understand that.

I'm also feeling really bad about myself at the moment because of the feelings I have for another woman. She was my tutor at college when I was 16. She tried to help me and is really the only person who has ever accepted me for who I am. She didn't mind if I had to communicate with her by writing and never pressured me to talk if I found it too difficult. I fell in love with her when I was at college and the college authorities tried to keep me away from her. They sent me to a psychiatrist who said it would be better if I didn't see her. I didn't cope too well and tried to kill myself on two occasions. Eventually I had to leave. I kept in touch with her afterwards and she did write back to me a couple of times but we lost touch when she moved. I guess I should've taken the hint then but I recently found her again and started writing to her again. She didn't reply and eventually sent a letter to my friend. She asked her to stop me writing saying I had effectively been stalking her. I feel disgusted with myself for making her feel like that. I didn't want to hurt her but now I've made her hate me. She is the only person I've ever felt close to and her opinion of me is still very important to me. I hate myself for behaving in this way. I can't cope now I've lost her forever. I know it sounds stupid to still feel this way about someone I haven't even seen in such a long time but I have no hope for the future anymore. I know I should move on and get over her but I think about her all the time and now I'm having nightmares every night. Everything just keeps going round and round in my head.

[Samantha]

Hi briary sorry to hear your not doing too good, you've already shown a great deal of courage to come here and by doing so you have shown us all that you DO have strength to carry on and get better.There is so much in your posts that like others i can relate to, i too have social anxiety and understand how hard it is to try and talk to people. As you said it is easier to write down how you are feeling and by doing it in this way it does not have to be done in person so i hope sharing your feelings on here does help, everybody is very supportive. There is always hope even though there are times when it may seem hidden, positive thinking and small steps each day can help to bring some of the hope back.

Take care

Sam

Positive thinking is the key to success!

[grace]

hi briary,
im so sorry that you are hurting so much. your suffering has lasted for so long you must be at the point where you think there is no hope. but there is, you've found it here. please believe me that most people on here have felt as desperate as you are feeling at some point, and everyone will help and support you
you have made a giant step coming on here and i know it was probably hard to do, but you did it....
nobody here thinks you are a freak cos we've all been at that low point ourselves,
please keep posting

xxx grace

[carlin]

dear briary, i am so sorry to hear you are so down - a lot of us are or have been that low you are not stupid for having any of your feelings, we understand, you have taken the first step by joining this site, you will find so much support here, keep in touch.

[Karen]

Thanks for the support. I guess I just think I'm being stupid for feeling sorry for myself. I've had depression on and off for so long I should know by now that it's not easy to come through it. I'm just so used to people telling me to 'pull myself together'. I get annoyed with myself for feeling suicidal when I know I can't hurt other people by doing anything about it. I've tried to kill myself in the past when I was younger but since promising my tutor not to try again I've taken up self harm as a way of coping instead, not that it helps in the long run.

I just feel I can't stay at the point where I am anymore, I have to move forward or I'm going to drown. I've tried to conquer my social phobia in the past but have been too scared to take the risks necessary to make any progress. If only I could talk to people I'm sure my life would improve and I could maybe tackle my other problems. I don't know how to even start to try to fight it. Whenever I'm in a situation with people (which I usually avoid) I always end up running from my fears.