Trying to Overcome Depression

[nomorepanic]

I bet she is fine and alive and well.

What would happen if you didn't hear from her? I bet you would be ok and you would carry on as normal.

You can do this Karen - you know you can.

Has K mentioned the pressure that you put on her to reply - it is a big responsibility for her too and she must find it hard as well. I am sure she is not punishing you but just busy.

She will reply soon.

Nicola

[Karen]

Hi Nic

All I can say is that K is my life. She is the only reason I have to try to get out of bed and to fight through this mess I'm in.

I feel like I am losing it tonight because I'm out of my mind with worry. This is out of the ordinary for her to disappear like this. I can't stop thinking about her and am so scared that she is hurt.

I already feel incredibly guilty about the pressure I put on her, even though she tells me that I am not making her life difficult or causing her problems. I blame myself and beat myself up over this but she tells me that she knows I can't help it. She really is the kindest, most understanding person I've ever known.

I don't think she is punishing me. I am more likely to punish myself. I know she wouldn't do that. That is why I feel sure that something is wrong.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

I'm feeling pretty stupid today for having got into such a state again yesterday. I had a message from K this morning and she said she is fine.

I realise how annoying and frustrating it must be that I panic and feel so distraught every time I don't hear from her like this, although it was much worse yesterday because she hadn't been around at all. I genuinely believe that she has been harmed when this happens and that I've lost her forever.

This situation and these feelings I'm having are causing me so much distress, along with everything else and I feel totally wiped out emotionally. I don't know how much more of this I can take, even though I know I do it to myself. I feel like I am losing it completely at times. I'm scared that one of these days it will push me over the edge.

My visit to Dad's last night was very difficult. I had issues with food again and felt forced to eat when I didn't want to. Now I feel really fat and disgusting, and I don't want to eat anything today to make up for eating too much yesterday. I'm worried that I will have gained weight. I can't gain weight. I'm still to fat and have to keep going with the weight loss.

There was more bad news that Dad told me last night. My uncle is apparently in hospital having tried to kill himself last week. We are not really very close (he is my Mum's brother) but I am still concerned about him. My brother told Dad and said that he has now come round after being unconscious for several days. All Dad could say was how he should be sectioned and that what he has done is evil. I can't believe that Dad can say such a thing when someone is so distressed that they feel the only option is suicide.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[seh1980]

hi Karen,

Yes, what your dad said is very insensitive. You need to learn how to block out what he says and does to you because it causes you too much pain. He obviously has no idea what you are going through - but can you blame him? You aren't honest with him and haven't explained your situation to him. I am not saying that it is your fault or that you should tell him, I am just saying that he cannot understand you or how you live your life when he doesn't know about your troubles.

I'm glad that you have heard from K and that all is well with her.

Sarah

[Karen]

Explaining to Dad what I am going through would not be helpful to me and would just cause me more problems. I gave up trying to explain how I feel a long time ago. He takes a very dim view of anyone with emotional problems. I could be here all day relaying all the hurtful things he has said to me over the years concerning the times I have been depressed and various other problems.

I know that I no longer give him the opportunity to try to understand. I just know it is a pointless exercise and what he said about my uncle last night confirmed it. He frequently speaks about people with mental health problems in such a way. Plus I hate to even imagine what he would say if he knew about my feelings for K. I am sure you all have an idea of what he thinks of such matters by now.

I would really love to be able to confide in my family and know that they would support me through this, but I know that they will not be able to do so. Therefore I have to do it alone.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[nomorepanic]

Karen

That was very cruel of your dad and no-one deserves to be talked about like that.

I have a request - if you don't mind .... this post is too big and people are having problems accessing it cos it times out. Can you start another one and call it "trying to overcome depression 2" or something and on the first page add a link back to this one.

Once we are on the new server it may be ok but people want to read your posts but it keeps timing out.

Many thanks in advance.

Chin up ok?

Nicola

[bubbles]

Karen,

I don't want to say too much about your dad because I know that you love him & feel that you must please him, & feel obliged to see him even when you can't cope with doing so----but he's really doing you no good at all at present.

You already seem to be drowning---& you don't need him to hold your head under, so to speak!

It seems to me, as I've said before, that it is your father who has the deep emotional problems--he is a 'control freak' because of his own insecurity & his inability to face up to his own problems. Instead, he dumps it on people around him---mainly you. He knows that you are struggling---after all he was a large part of the reason that you developed the social anxiety in the first place as a youngster! He just has to keep reinforcing it.

He is unable to face himself & his own problems so he copes by making you feel bad & by doing things like being totally insensitive about your uncle. The 'old chestnut'---by making others look daft or diminishing in some way an alternative way of living----none of it can be him--& he feels better about himself.

You really do need some distance from your father, emotional or otherwise, at some point in your recovery. All he does is rub salt into the original wounds!

You may remember that I said a while ago that my father was/is a 'control freak'---so I do know what you are up against.

Also, you seem to be having an increasing problem about eating. You say you are worried about weight gain. Are you overweight? Or is eating one thing that you can control that your father can't touch? Has eating/weight gain featured in your anxiety from the beginning?

Linda.

[nomorepanic]

PLEASE NOTE

Karen has started a new post that continues from this one. We had to do this because the post was too big to open for some people.

It is called "Continuing struggle with depression" and can be found here ....

Continuing struggle with depression

Thanks Karen

Nicola