Trying to Overcome Depression

[sal]

Hi

Never feel you are stupid and feeling sorry for yourself. You are having a bad time and have suffered alone for a long time now.

You found someone who you thought understood you, which no doubt she did, but very unfortunately for you she couldnt give you the 100% support you need. Although i am sure she did try and when you were close to her, remember those times and use them as a positive step forward. Take that on board that you could get close to her, even though suffering a social phobia, so shows you can do it again.

It wont always end in tears i can assure you that, however bleak it seems.

You are making a brilliant step forward talking to us, so be proud of yourself for that.

Anything we can do to help, we will.

Take care.

Love Sal xxxxxx

[Karen]

Thanks Sal. I know I probably expected too much from my ex tutor when it wasn't her responsibility to help me. She did what she could at the time and her life has moved on. I'm the one still caught in a time warp. She is still very important to me but I'm probably not thinking straight at the moment. Thanks to the help here I've gone through today without acting on my thoughts of suicide and not doing anything worse than hitting myself a few times. I just hope tomorrow is better because I felt so close to ending it all today.

[grace]

hi briary
well done for getting through today. i know things are really dark for you now but you have proved to yourself that you have the strenth to get through this one day at a time.
im glad that posting on here has given you some help as im sure it will in the future.
this is a really good place to be, everybody here cares about what happens to you.
i hope you have a better day tomorrow

xxx grace

[Meg]

Hi Briary,

Its so hard wanting the contact with people but not allowing yourself to break through that fear.

Writing is an excellent way to start to make the changes, write to get to know people, write to share, write to off load, write to self express.

There are so many ways to communicate now which are non verbal - just look at how kids communicate - by text . Ask any teenage boy who is painfully shy they'll tell you email and text have revolutionized their worlds- for the better .

You could get used to growing a circle of these people that you don't have to meet or speak to and build some confidence up.

Meanwhile slowly start talking in throw away conversation situations like telesales chats, shop assistants. People who won't remember you from the next person.

As for the tutor- you can cope - you did cope when you were previously out of touch and you can again. Its very difficult when there is only one person you trust but one can become two and so forth.
Its great in a way because it does show you do have capacity to communicate and get close to people..

How much do you see and talk with your family ?

Any medical involvement now ?



Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

[Karen]

Hi Meg

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. I'm still here so somehow I've got through the last couple of days. I don't know how. There have been times when I've really wanted to just give in but that's taking the easy way out.

I do see my family but I can't talk to them about how I'm feeling. I've been told in the past that they're part of the problem. My father is very domineering and has to control everyone. Both of my parents used to constantly put me down and criticise me when I was younger and I've felt rejected by them both. When I can't talk they think I'm doing it on purpose and to get attention. They were very disapproving of the fact that I developed feelings for my ex-tutor because they thought it was disgusting that I could be in love with another woman. My father went to hit me but my mum stopped him. That was a long time ago but I hide my feelings from them now. It's easier now I've moved out because they used to search my room when I lived at home and I couldn't keep anything secret.

I'm not receiving any medical treatment at the moment. I can't face going to the doctors. I had a really nice doctor but I moved last year and had to change surgery. I don't know the new doctors well enough to trust any of them. I know I'd be unable to speak. I know I need some help because the last time I felt this bad I tried to kill myself twice and I feel I need to take some control of my life. I don't want to see a psychiatrist again because I've seen several in the past and they just expect me to talk and we end up spending the whole session in silence and then they say I obviously don't want to get better. I was considering trying to find a private therapist but don't know the best way to find a good one. The cost could be a factor too because I'm not working at the moment.

Briary

[Karen]

Sorry to have to post on this again but I've had a really bad day again. I thought I actually had something to look forward to this morning because the one friend I have was coming to see me. It gave me something to focus on. I waited all day and she didn't come. I got more and more upset as the day passed and the more upset I got the more I wanted to do myself some damage. I was angry with myself for getting into such a state. I thought she didn't want to see me. Why would she? I'm depressed all the time and it can't be very nice for her. I started self harming and couldn't stop. Just kept doing it over and over again. I wanted to punish myself for the thoughts I was having but I also wanted to stop feeling anything but physical pain. But it didn't help. I still felt bad. I felt so bad I didn't want to carry on. I felt I wanted to end it all. I got as far as gathering all the pills I had in the house and counting them all out. I even took a few.

Then I had a call from my friend. Something had happened and she hadn't been able to come. It was some sort of emergency. I hate myself for getting so worked up. She doesn't let me down and I should've known there would be a reasonable explanation.

I think I'm losing it big time. I can't cope with the depression. I can't get help because I can't talk about it and I can't stop thinking about my former tutor. I can't sleep because everytime I go to sleep I have a nightmare - the same recurring nightmare. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help?

[Meg]

You felt let down by your friend and then turned the anger and frustration on yourself as you ' beat yourself up ' and insisted to yourself that it was about you and how you are.


The reality was that it had nothing to do with you or how you are at all. It was her emergency.

It would have been nice of her to call and let you know earlier - would have saved you a lot of pain and turmoil.

Have you rearranged with her to meet again ?

What do you think you could do or who do you think you could see to take your focus off yourself so much and to get some help to deal with these issues ?

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

[Karen]

Thanks for your reply Meg. I have seen my friend today. She said she felt really bad that she hadn't called when she couldn't see me because she knew I'd be upset. I know it wasn't her fault and she didn't do it on purpose to hurt me. The thing is that no matter what happens I always end up turning it on myself and blaming myself. I think everything that goes wrong it my fault.

I've been feeling so depressed recently and have been self harming daily and have been feeling suicidal. I know I need to get some help but I don't really know where to turn. I don't want to go to the doctor because I can't talk to him and I don't just want more antidepressants again and to be sent to another psychiatrist. I can never talk to them and never feel comfortable with them because they are always men and I feel very uncomfortable in that situation. I don't know where else to turn to. I thought about trying to find a private therapist but I don't know what sort I should look for and I am not working so money is an issue.

[Karen]

I'm feeling so ashamed because I just can't get out of this hole that I'm in. I feel so bad again today that I don't think I can cope with it anymore. My life is a mess and I can't do anything right. I hate myself for feeling this way but right now the thought of going to sleep and never waking up again seems a better option than living. It would be better for everyone if I wasn't here.

[Meg]

Dear Briary,

You know from what you write that this depression and dispair is mostly caused by the way you treat yourself

The thing is that no matter what happens I always end up turning it on myself and blaming myself. I think everything that goes wrong it my fault.

You have taught yourself to think completely negatively. Most people with anxiety , panic and depression do this in some form. Your speciality is loading yourself up with thoughts about self worth or lack of it . These are just thought processes and based on no evidence at all. You also are reiterating and trying to justify this with your self harm.

You know that many many people have been like this and with time have fully recovered as you can do too..

I think the idea of a therapist is a very good one . There is likely to be a woman doctor in your practice you could see even if she is not your own doctor. You could ask for a referral to the community mental health team and often they send out a nurse to assess you long before psychs are involved .

At any time you can ring NHS direct and ask them for help and advice
0845 4647 .

The Samaritans are on 08457 909090. I rung them a lot to get me through panic attacks. You can also email the Samaritans now .

There is no shame in being depressed and struggling to get yourself out of it . Millions of people will go through a stage like this. Being alone will not help very much as it gives you time and space to ruminate about your issues.

I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Please look after yourself and comfort yourself as you would look after a close friend who came to you in times of trouble .

Love
Meg