Trying to Overcome Depression

[Karen]

Hi Meg,

Thanks so much for replying last night. I was really at the end of my tether and seriously contemplating killing myself. Somehow I stopped myself. I emailed The Samaritans last night. I really wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself to phone, just the thought of it started a panic attack. It's so difficult not being able to verbalise my feelings because I can't get the help I need.

I know I think in a totally negative way. I just feel I've let so many people down and let myself down so many times. I don't have any self worth and do hate myself - that's why I really don't care what I do to myself. I feel I deserve it.

Unfortunately, there isn't a female doctor at my practice and I feel too ashamed to admit any of what I'm feeling to any of the doctors there.

I feel like I'm grieving for my former tutor, even though it's not as if she's died. I know I've lost touch with her before but at least I knew she cared about me. I knew she liked me, even if I didn't like myself. When I found her again I felt so happy to know she was close by. It was a comfort to know she was there, even if I didn't see her. She's been my rock, my security and my life. I know because I've not even seen her for so long that I have perfected the image I have of her. It may not be true to life but to me she is a perfect person. She is everything I want and everything I need and I can't let go of that. I'm distraught that I've hurt her and made her hate me. I care more than anything else what she thinks about me and if she thinks I'm not worth bothering with, she must be right. Without her I'm nothing.

Briary

[Rennie1989]

briary

have u been feelin ok every since u made this topic



Scooter Girl

if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears

[Karen]

No. I'm stuck in a cycle of self harming and thinking about suicide. It's only feeling guilty about leaving others to pick up the pieces that's stopped me. I feel I deserve to hurt myself more than hurt anyone else.

[nomorepanic]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">No. I'm stuck in a cycle of self harming and thinking about suicide. It's only feeling guilty about leaving others to pick up the pieces that's stopped me. I feel I deserve to hurt myself more than hurt anyone else.

<div align="right">Originally posted by briary - 17 July 2004 : 14:12:35</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Briary

Hurting yourself is going to hurt those that you love even more cos they will feel responsible for it.

My best mates mum killed herself and believe me the guilt that is left behind can destroy families. Please don't do that to them - you all deserve so much more.

Please try to get some help to get you over this and get your life back on track.

We will support you here all we can but you also need to take control of your own life and take whatever help you can to get through this.

I wish you were cured now and felt so much more better, but I know I can't do that but we can be here for you too.

Take care

Nicola

[Karen]

I know killing myself would hurt the people left behind that's why I've been trying to stop myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I take it out on myself more, including self harm. I do want to get help - I know I need it, I'm just too scared. Pathetic isn't it.

[Meg]

Glad to hear from you Briary

I do want to get help - I know I need it, I'm just too scared. Pleased to hear too that you want help - just which option to take .

You could call NHS direct and see what they suggest, you could go to a A+E dept or you could go to you GP and ask for a referral to a woman on the community mental health team.

You also do not deserve to be treated as you're treating yourself. In no situation does hurting something make it heal or get better , so you are limiting your possibilities of recovery by constantly hurting yourself.

I don't have any self worth and do hate myself - this can be completely reversed with therapy and possibly medication.

I know I think in a totally negative way. This is the key to helping to solve your issues. Try to start by talking to yourslef in the same way as you would someome you really cared about and wanted to help .


thinking about suicide - these are thoughts not instructions. We all think about things but they are just that , they are not instructions.

The grief for your former tutor is understandable and normal. She probbaly doesn't hate you at all but maybe finds you quite intense and people draw back from that .
The reality is that you have been ok without seeing her previously and can be again. You are so right in your
conclusiosn about having almost built her up to an idol to you. If you were to se eher you might be quite disappointed in the real thing now.
You do not need her approval - thats created in your mind alone .

I do hope that you've managed to get out and not be indoors alone all day. Go for a walk and look at the details of plants and people and animals around you .

Have you heard back from the Samaritans yet ?

Take care Briary.

Love

Meg

[Karen]

Hello Meg

I do realise all the suggestions you make for me to get some help are sensible, I just don't think I can do any of them. To call NHS direct I have to make a phone call and talk to someone. I have the same problem with the A&E dept, because again they're strangers. I also don't know any of the doctors at my GP surgery. I do know this sounds really pathetic. I can't talk to any of them. I would rather continue hurting myself than have to face talking to them. If only it was possible to communicate completely by writing I'd be fine; if I didn't have to see anyone or talk to anyone. I'm so tired, maybe I haven't got the strength left to fight this anymore. Maybe I'm a lost cause.

I think my former tutor probably regrets the day she ever met me. She did care about me and want to help me at one point but I'm sure she didn't expect I'd still feel the same after so many years. I know I have relied on her too much; have thought she could make everything alright. I seem to be unable to move on from this. I just feel that now I've lost her it's pushed me over the edge. I have had other periods of depression since the time I last saw her and I did cope but this is the worst I've felt since having to leave college. At least then I knew she didn't think badly of me. This difference this time is that I know it's final. I know there's no chance of ever having any contact with her again and it ended on such bad terms. I really regret my actions and wish I could tell her that I'm sorry. I wish she knew I didn't mean to hurt her because that's the last thing in the world that I want.

Sorry, I haven't managed to go anywhere today. The weather here rather reflects my current mood - dark and depressing. It's been raining and storming all day. I haven't got any energy anyway. I was awake most of last night and when I slept I had the dream again.

I haven't heard from the Samaritans.

Thanks again for talking to me. I know it must be very frustrating trying to get through to me because I am too scared to do anything except be on my own and hurt myself. It helps to know you're trying though.

Briary

[Caz Fab Pants]

Briary,

After reading your story I've got so much I want to ask you but dont want to pry too much.

Cant help wondering if there is an underlying issue causing alot of your social problems and if this is the case then surely it would help you to address this problem with a councillor. Even if you have to write down the answers to the questions, I think just sitting in the same room would be a positive starting point.

You wont need to pay for this but you will need to get a referral from your GP. However, dont start panicking, all you have to do is write a letter explaining your dilema and I'm sure you wont have to wait long for an appointment.

I think meeting with a real person rather than communicating via a computer would help to break down some of your barriers. It would give you a release too because you would be sharing your thoughts with a professional who would also be able to give you some great advice.

Keep in touch and think about all the positive replies people have made here. You are a worth while person who deserves a life.

Caroline
x

[Karen]

Hi Caroline

Thanks for your kind reply. I don't mind you asking me questions. I feel totally comfortable talking about things through writing, it's just verbal communication that I find impossible.

Are you saying I could get a referral by writing a letter to my gp without having to see him? I could do that, I just can't contemplate having to go into the surgery.

I do appreciate all the positive replies I've received and I feel bad because I'm still feeling so negative about myself.

Briary

[Meg]

You could write to your GP , explain your situation and see what response that brings.

Does you practice have a practice nurse , could you talk to her initially in person or over the phone.

Some GP sugeries now take email requests. These are not usually consults but specific requests ie repeat scrips , supplies etc but you could try that route.

Being negaitive about yourself will not change overnight, its a process.

A book you could read is 'what to say when you talk to yourself ' by Shad Helmsletter or Climbing out of depression ' Sue Atkinson.


Try to watch something funny on Tv/ video plus doing some exercise.



Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch