Hi Meg,
Thanks so much for replying last night. I was really at the end of my tether and seriously contemplating killing myself. Somehow I stopped myself. I emailed The Samaritans last night. I really wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself to phone, just the thought of it started a panic attack. It's so difficult not being able to verbalise my feelings because I can't get the help I need.
I know I think in a totally negative way. I just feel I've let so many people down and let myself down so many times. I don't have any self worth and do hate myself - that's why I really don't care what I do to myself. I feel I deserve it.
Unfortunately, there isn't a female doctor at my practice and I feel too ashamed to admit any of what I'm feeling to any of the doctors there.
I feel like I'm grieving for my former tutor, even though it's not as if she's died. I know I've lost touch with her before but at least I knew she cared about me. I knew she liked me, even if I didn't like myself. When I found her again I felt so happy to know she was close by. It was a comfort to know she was there, even if I didn't see her. She's been my rock, my security and my life. I know because I've not even seen her for so long that I have perfected the image I have of her. It may not be true to life but to me she is a perfect person. She is everything I want and everything I need and I can't let go of that. I'm distraught that I've hurt her and made her hate me. I care more than anything else what she thinks about me and if she thinks I'm not worth bothering with, she must be right. Without her I'm nothing.
Briary