Just wanted to say hello to you all. I've been lurking for a few days now.
A little bit about me. I'm a mum of 3 girls, married, have suffered IBS as far back as I can remember and anxiety too (although as a kid I didn't realize that some of my behaviours were anxiety related).
My anxiety really got the better of me after my last babies were born. The IBS flared up like crazy and I was so sick I could barely leave the house but when I did the panic attacks started. I spent a number of years trying to find the right anti depressent medication and getting counselling but nothing seemed to help. I think I spent at least a year barely leaving the house and when I did it was accompanied by a racing heart, fears of needing the toilet and the feeling that I might just pass out. All I wanted to do was run back home to safety.
7 years ago we moved and for some reason my IBS swung in the complete opposite direction. Boosted by this I was put on Citalopram and went and got some therapy for my anxiety and agoraphobia. I didn't get "all better" but I started to go to the gym 4 days a week, I could make it to my kids school without worrying and I could get groceries. I even started to enjoy food again. After 9 months I went off the citalopram as it had a couple of undesirable effects and I was feeling a bit robotic. Things continued to be okay. I couldn't keep an appointment or go out to dinner without huge anxiety but day to day I was allright.
Then 4 weeks ago 2 close relatives of mine were hospitalized. This made my IBS worse and without telling details I ended up having to have a minor procedure. It sent my anxiety into absolute overdrive. I only made it back to the doctor to have the procedure done with the help of an entire xanax (I usually take 1/4 at a time and they usually go out of date before I take them all).
4 days later the tummy rumbles started and ever since then I'm right back to not being able to leave the toilet (or the house!). The anxiety is stuck in full flight mode and I cannot seem to control it. At the same time I am mourning the loss of "me" because right now I don't even feel like me anymore.
I've been given lomotil with limited response (it mostly just gives me a tummy ache) and been put on Remeron. The Remeron is horrible. I am so bleary eyed and tired and I actually feel MORE anxious on it than I did before to the point where I almost had my first panic attack in 8 years the other morning doing nothing more than sitting in my own house. I asked to be taken off it but my GP wanted me to keep at it for another 3 days (I am on day 5) and then we'll review. He said he's never heard of it making anyone feel worse (that being said it's also giving me bad sciatic pain and he said that's not possible either).
This is a viscious cycle I cannot seem to climb out of. The anxiety messes up the tummy and the messed up tummy causes more anxiety. I just feel so hopeless right now.
Anyway, if you've made it this far you deserve an award.
TLDR-GAD, panic, IBS
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