I'm struggling to describe this symptom...

[costagirl]

Hi everyone,

I've really tried to look for any advice on this and I do apologise if there is already a thread somewhere but I cannot find anything about it!

I'm on citalopram for anxiety and depression, and I think I have GAD because I don't really worry about anything in specific but I generally feel anxious about different things that others don't, but there is one thing that seems to trigger panicky feelings more than anything else...

I seem to have got it in my head that life will be long and depressing, and as I am only 21 now this is really quite scary. What if I still feel anxious and depressed when I am 60? Can I cope with living like this? I am not suicidal, I have had intrusive thoughts that I might become suicidal/like I am going crazy but I don't WANT to act on these thoughts. I will be having a great time with my friends and feeling normal, and as soon as I am alone again, the thought will literally appear out of nowhere (the trigger is not always apparent) and I feel sick! Can anyone relate to this feeling? I wondered if it was some sort of time anxiety, but any info on this is related to things like being late, or not having enough time to do something, whereas I am more the opposite, I almost worry that there is too much time to feel anxious for the rest of my life (if that makes sense?) I think I am worried that I will feel like this for the rest of my life, and that seems very hard to deal with.

Any advice on what this is and how to deal with it would be really appreciated!! Is this more a symptom of anxiety or depression? I don't like to label myself but sometimes I feel better knowing as it makes it easier to deal with.

Thank you.

[nomorepanic]

Hi

What you describe is on here:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/symptoms/

[debs71]

Hi,

Sorry you are feeling this way right now.

Having experienced the symptoms you describe, and suffered from both depression and anxiety for many years, it does sound like you may be experiencing symptoms of both to me.

I think that your feelings about life being long and nothing good ahead sounds very, very much like depressive feelings and thoughts to me. That kind of negative thinking is very common with depression, but I also think that the symptoms you have of a fear that you are going crazy and intrusive thoughts are VERY typical of anxiety. Depression and anxiety often go hand-in-hand.

If you write 'intrusive thoughts' or 'fear of going mad/crazy' into the forum search box, I am sure it would bring up lots and lots of posts by other anxiety sufferers here about the same thing, hun.

Do not be afraid about these thoughts. I know they are scary, but they are also extremely common with anxiety. I have had all of these things myself - worry about my sanity and that fear that things will not get better with time/too much time ahead. It is purely driven by high anxiety, and should get better with time.

I have also had the same kind of pessimistic/negative thoughts with depression - things won't get better and the kind of thinking when you look far into the future all of the time and predict and pre-empt only bad stuff coming. This is again so typical of depression.

I am wondering how long you have been on meds now? These kind of thoughts and feelings can be quite strong early into treatment, or if your meds are still being 'weighed up' as it were in terms of dose and type of med. Please know that you do not have to live with these thoughts forever, and they can be overcome with the right meds and dose, therapy and time. As I said already, I know exactly how you feel as I have been there myself hun. You certainly will not have to live the way you are feeling now for the rest of your life.

Dealing with it in the moment can be very hard I know, but several things help.

Firstly, the right meds and dose for you (this might be trial and error at first). Secondly, therapy. Therapy is maybe not for everyone, it just depends if it is something you feel that you could personally benefit from, or feel up to doing. I had 18 weeks of counselling after I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and found it very helpful to talk about how I felt, what had led me there, etc. Another very important thing that helps if you feel up to it is staying as occupied and busy as you can, and maintaining as much of your daily routine as you can. This can be very hard, as with anxiety/depression you may not feel able to do it mentally, but distraction is key when you have horrible thoughts, and anything occupational helps a lot.

Finally, a huge help in managing these feelings is having loving, supportive people around you - family, friends who can support you during the hard times/feelings - and who you can confide in and lean on.

You will find a lot of people here who share these thoughts and feelings, so know you are not alone with this. xx

[costagirl]

Hi Debs,

thank you for your reply! I've been on Citalopram 10mg for a month now, the first week was horrendous! I felt worse, I couldn't be bothered to do anything and it was all I could think about, but then the second week was much better and I thought woopee the tablets are working, then the third week, not so good again. At the moment it is the mornings that I struggle with, but I try and get out of bed as soon as I can because I know that I feel better once I have got going. I also know that I feel so much better when I am with people, I've started dreading being alone because this is obviously when there is more time to ruminate. I forgot to mention that I am a student in my final year of uni so there is also the stress of dissertations and other work to deal with!
I have actually been seeing a CBT therapist through the uni counselling service, he's really nice and it is good to have a chat with him to get things off my chest that I feel I can't always talk about with family and friends. Starting to realise that most of my thoughts are down to anxiety and the depression HAS come from somewhere - I had a bit of a difficult and busy Summer.
Also, one of my best friends here at uni is ill with cancer.. he's actually doing ok at the moment and is the bravest person I know but I feel so guilty for feeling like I do when I feel I have nothing to be worried about compared to him.
What bothers me the most is how I can feel great one day or week, and then down again the next, it's exhausting! I wish I could just switch off my chattering brain more easily!
Xx

[debs71]

This should get better with time, and further into the meds and with the continuation of therapy hun. It does sometimes take a while to feel some improvement in your mood and anxiety symptoms.

I restarted Escitalopram at the end of September after my anxiety/panic came back badly. Like you, I've had a bit of a rollercoaster with it. The first week or two was awful, and I felt so nauseous and no appetite and mentally dreadful. The third week I felt better, but mornings were a real problem - so anxious when waking and I had to lie in bed a while after waking to get myself together. Right now at 9 weeks since meds I feel pretty much ok...not fabulous but ok!

Meds can take a while to get the full benefit from. The thing you should be most proud of is that you are have continued with your routine and Uni. That is a feat and a half when you have anxiety and especially depression. When I was depressed, I can't even get out of bed, so you are brilliant to be able to do that despite feeling crappy. Also, you do have a lot on your plate with the Uni work as you mention, so that may well be contributing to the way you are feeling right now and influencing things a bit.

It is great you are seeing a therapist and able to offload with things. That is really important. It is often very useful also to talk with someone who is nothing to do with your life (friend, family, etc) and can just offer a third-party view on things.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Naturally you would worry about him too. Try not to compare yourself to him in terms of your individual conditions. I think that it is common to see someone suffering a serious illness and feel we are complaining/worried about nothing, but every person is an individual with their own crosses to bear, and mental health issues are still horrendous to the person who is suffering. and very much underestimated as to how awful they really are. It is purely subjective, and you should feel bad about nothing, hun.

I would say overall, give it a bit more time, but if you do find that you are still struggling after a while, I would be inclined to see your GP again and discuss things. It may well be that you need a bit higher dose for things to really get settled. You will find that you may have good days, bad days, niggling worries, and this is all very normal hun, but overall things will get better for you, I promise!x