Hi all
I have been meaning to post about this on here but didn't bring myself to do it until now.
It is a strange one as I know you guys can't diagnose me but I feel if I post this someone might relate to it.
I am debating telling my GP everything but I am a little concerned it will go on my medical records and could affect any potential jobs I apply for in future.
I am currently employed in a high pressured job but currently been signed off work sick.
I have been prescribed 50mg of lustral which I have been taking for approx 3 weeks, I am unsure if they are working or having an adverse affect, I will try and explain.
Basically I don't know how i should be feeling, I have lost who I am and what is normal.
Not sure if I am currently normal now.
Going back 15 to 20 years from the age of 11 I had done various drugs, mainly cannabis and LSD.
For years I smoked cannabis and was heavily involved in it, I also took far to many LSD one night and was not the same since.
I had a paranoid episode where everyone was talking about me and everything was negative, I even offered a bunch of people into a fight who were friends as I thought they were blatantly talking about me.
This trip affected me that much it changed my whole perspective on life, everyone was talking in code, even though normal conversations were happening it seemed the real reason behind those conversation was some sort of game, and I was rubbish at it.
Trying to make sense of it now while I reflect, was if I was sat in the back if a car and two people were in the front talking and if they mentioned back or quiet.
If I was not talking or in the back of the car as I could see their back it meant they were talking about me.
This went on for years and this obviously affecting how I responded to people.
I continued to smoke cannabis and found the fun and recreation I had with my friends was just a negative trip.
The only way I could save myself from this nightmare was to lock myself away from the world and I did so at my parents house.
I did not tell anyone about this and I was alone in my head.
Friends would call and I would isolate myself away from everything I knew, it was the only way I felt I could survive.
It took me many years to come out the other end and I obviously stopped smoking cannabis.
If i ever smoke cannabis again it triggers thoughts feelings and I get flash backs.
It has been approx 15 years since and I thought I came out the other end.
In between then and now the only way I could socialise and have courage was to drink and this got me out of the house and socialising.
I eventually turned a corner and found my fiancé, we now have a family together, they are my world and I feel I am a good father.
I am very over protective, I have always been but feel I am very I tune with people's emotions around me and tap into them, again I don't know if that is a symptom of some sort, or a gift.
I concentrate on them and got myself a very good job. Worked my way up within a few years but it is a very high pressured job and it requires me mixing with high flying types and have meetings.
It feels like I have been bluffing my way through it all and have got away with it, people tell me I have done a good job and serve it but I always look at the negatives.
I over analyze situations and people. Question things around me, generally in my head.
I over think about things and cannot shut off at night.
I find I get obsessed with things, something that are of no real interest, well they are but in the grand scheme if things they are not especially when I neglect the important things around me.
I feel warn out, tired all the time and dwell on things. Always think about the past, there are triggers, what I call triggers that make me feel a certain way, an emotion of I have felt in the past.
Anyway I thought I turned e corner with all this and was proud of myself to find normal ground again after things went wrong but still have anxiety with groups of people, always worried about how they perceive me etc but I was coping and was holding down a good job and could buy the family nice things, bought a house and did it up etc.
Parents were proud of me as I had become a much more caring person and achieving things.
Then my father recently passed he had been terminally ill for 6 years and I watched him go until the end, I was being strong for him and was supporting him as much as I could while juggling everything else.
It seems now I am back in a position where I am questioning my life, I don't know how to feel and when I am going to feel normal, or if I am feeling normal now. Ok sounds confusing.
I am currently off work and feel I cannot face it, it is as if I have lost all confidence and when my dad died this has regressed me back in time where emotions and triggers make me feel this way
Doctor said I could have chronic stress, he did not diagnose me properly, I have never been to see a head shrink but the doc prescribed my lustral 50mg. Unsure if it is working to be honest.
Doc said my mood should lift and motivation levels should in 3 weeks, not yet they are not.
I have asked to see him on Friday and I am debating telling him everything to make sure I am being prescribed the correct drug for my condition, I am may have a chemical imbalance of some sort.
I should also add I have problems concentrating, remembering things, switching off from people.
Sorry for rambling, need to get this out and I can read and reflect on it
Thanks
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