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Thread: What's the point!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
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    61

    What's the point!

    A phrase we all use far too often, I do for sure, maybe not out loud but certainly in my head. Because of this phrase I have come to understand that while it is with me I will never look forward to anything. Disturbing thought hey. Booking a family holiday with my wonderful children who are all excited to be hitting the sun drenched beaches in 6 months time. I know they must have holidays and enjoy childhood etc... My wife using phrases like "I can't wait for the holiday I'm so excited"... it got me thinking that over the last two years I've lost that ability to 'look forward' or be 'excited' by anything. And the reason for me always thinking what's the point is because of another word Anticipation.

    Anticipation of what? well death of course, or the fear I have that while I suffer from anxiety I can't handle any bad news as I wont have the strength to deal with it. What bad news? I don't know! Maybe that I'm seriously ill or that of my child. Inner split second thoughts like 'Don't get to happy cause something going to come and ruin it' thoughts like ' Will I ever get back to the old me, rational, carefree, or will I always be the new me 35 years old bracing myself daily that today may well be the day I snuff it!! Anxiety induced pain everywhere etc etc..... How do I pacify this?

    Pacification- Another word lets be fair we are all seeking it, some internally some externally. However I have tried to think straight and rational for myself trying to Pacify myself. Doesn't work! If your computer wasn't fully functioning could it fix itself with no outside input? Probably not effectively. Well my body's computer is not fully functional so would it be better to get some external input? The answer is yes without a doubt. Self pacification is short term for me. My example is this... Yesterday driving home from work I had a sharp pain on my left side in my back that went all the way round to my front. Of course I'm in traffic and now I'm having a heart attack What!!! I'm only 35 but of course I've been waiting for this now for 2 years.. I knew bad news was coming etc.etc... of course it passed I got home and this is the best bit..... I went and played football for 45 minutes running around getting knackered, out of breath without a single shooting pain anywhere. Of course my heart and arteries are knackered but they only choose to let me know while I'm sat around thinking too much!! Madness should be enough to pacify me that in fact all is ok.... Until tomorrow or the next day or whenever it happens again and I go dizzy, and chest pain, and vision goes blurry and suddenly my self pacification is overridden by the fact that bad news is coming, or today is the day I finally meet death.

    Do I want to be on my death bed at 85-90 years old saying " I can't believe I wasted every day of my life worrying that everyday something bad is going to happen.

    Of course I don't. But it is becoming ever more likely.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    170

    Re: What's the point!

    Oh god, just had to say I could have written this (except Im a lot older than you). This is exactly how I feel but I could never have put it so eloquently.

    Youve obviously been thinking a lot about your feelings and in my opinion getting it out onto the screen can only help, I wish you well.

    had

  3. #3
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    Nov 2012
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    109

    Re: What's the point!

    I so agree with your message. I feel the same at 60. I'm so scared to feel happy because something bad is going to happen. I feel cheated that all these years of worry are still with me. Live life now.

  4. #4
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    Jan 2012
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    170

    Re: What's the point!

    Im the same age as you Raphaels - such a waste isnt it but so hard to change.

    had

  5. #5
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    Aug 2013
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    Re: What's the point!

    Mr. M.,

    A very heartfelt and honest post. I've read similar thoughts from members in my time here thus far. While I've had fleeting times when my mind went to the "dark places" so many here live in constantly, I'm able to pull myself out as I'm not afflicted.

    I've said this before and I'll say it again. I had some of the health issues so many here fear. Two heart attacks, bypass surgery and stents and most recently oral cancer. By all reason I should be dead and buried as these issues were very serious. But by the grace of God and medical science, I'm here writing this.

    Anxiety is a disease. My research has shown that it is a chemical imbalance that causes what amounts to a short circuit in the brain, like a switch that stops working if you will. Having had some minor depression (suffering from some now and quite possibly PTSD), it's much the same. Try as you will, you can't turn off the thoughts. Interestingly enough, despite recognizing my own dilemma, there are times when I'm wrapped up and busy at work or playing music that these thoughts totally go away. Many here describe the same thing when distracted.

    The difference between my illness and your illness is that mine can bury me six feet under the ground and yours does the same thing above ground, for living as you do is not living.

    Thing is, there is treatment and methods to effectively cure you. Without a doubt it's difficult but I dare say it's a hell of a lot easier than radiation and chemo! The human body is an amazing work of art. It can do things we sometimes cannot even imagine. Just as the body can be cured, the mind can be cured. The brain can be trained to re-wire itself and will do so! Just as I needed help to heal my body, you need help to heal your mind. I was cut, had chunks of my neck and throat taken out, was irradiated to the point of my skin peeling, had chemicals poured into me to kill an invader. Now, 7 months post treatment, I'm getting better. I could barely talk last April, now I can sing again. My body is healing. To look at me you wouldn't know I was sick. The same goes for you!

    I read your post and feel what you're feeling. The positive is that you recognize it. Now is the time to do something about it. I believe with all my heart and have seen it here personally.... you can be healed! I would take your post, print it out and place in spots where you can read it all the time. On the bathroom mirror, on the fridge etc.... to remind yourself how important "life" and "living" are. Seek out help and beat the beast! You obviously have the desire, reach down deep and muster the determination, not only for you but for your family as well.

    Positive thoughts!
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
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    1,136

    Re: What's the point!

    Mr. M., beautiful post which I'm sure will strike a chord with many people on this site. I feel that I have lived parts of my life in a state of anticipatory fear for several years. And yes, it does take away the joy of being able to look forward to the many things in life to look forward to.

    Fishmanpa said it very well when he talked about the short circuits in our brain needing to be re- wired. It's not easy but I am convinced by the success stories of many on here that it can be accomplished. It is extremely hard work but it's not chemotherapy or radiation, for sure.

    I know, Mr. M that I am working very hard for that Re-wiring to happen but it sometimes seems to be very slow going. But I think that we must have faith that it will happen.
    __________________
    Tanner

  7. #7
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    Aug 2013
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    Re: What's the point!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tanner40 View Post
    we must have faith that it will happen.
    HUGE part of it... BELIEVE!

    Positive thoughts!
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
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    2,009

    Re: What's the point!

    great reply fishmanpa ,
    strength and faith will get you there Mr M

  9. #9
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    Nov 2013
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    61

    Re: What's the point!

    Thanks for your responses guys very touching...

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
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    479

    Re: What's the point!

    I also could have written this post.
    Anticipatory anxiety is the absolute worst waste of time EVER,!
    I cannot begin to count the days weeks and months I have wasted and ruined my family's days, over worrying about what ifs.
    And....
    The actual events were 99% if the time never as bad as I thought.
    The 1% was when I allowed my self to get into a state! and ruined the event.

    Positive thoughts, and practising deep breathing and distraction are a must in trying to combat this condition and they really do help!!

    But.....it is not easy (for some) ie me
    And I have had varying success, depending on the event and my general stress levels.

    I know, mostly it is a learned condition...to panic and to catastropy my thoughts of a good day out into negativity dread. And I do strive daily to change this. I really believe my thoughts are the key to my anxiety.
    ...if I could only sort them out!!

    Onwards and upwards!! Hugs xx

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