I'm no good, simply because I'm no good

[kuzaki]

Hello all. Thank you for many of your kind words in a post I previously made. You all seem so caring and such decent people, and I thank you for your care and heartfelt replies. But wow, you're suggestion that I should see a docter seems a little more easier to throw around than I would like. The fact is I can't communicate with people on a human level simply just like that. If I thought I could solve my problems by seing a doctor or counsellor by expressing myself openly then I would have done so by now. The simple truth is...I can't look another human being in the eye and say "There's something wrong with me!" Here's the thing, I'm not going through a stage, and I haven't got myself into a rut. This Is Who I Am. I've always been like this.

I love my family. I love my mum, my dad and my brother. We see each other and talk all the time. But we never actually talk about anything that really matters. We all love each other, but it's never ever expressed because I come from a family where it seems that things are better left unsaid. My mum tried to commit suicide two years ago. As soon as she was out of hospital I was by her side to cuddle her and do anything for her, but when it came to addressing the problem, we just couldn't talk about it. It's all left unsaid. And I feel so torn, because I feel I have so much to say, but I simply can't look another person in the eye and say it.

It's easy to say bite the bullet and go see the doctor, but when you've been built from birth to internalise everything, it's easier said than done. I've read many of your posts and I admire you all. It seems to me that sometimes a weakness of the human condition can bring out the very best in people, and it would seem you are all evidence of that.

David

[PITITA]

Hi David,

Well I don't know if this will make you feel better, but I admire your ability to keep it all in, bless. I am like a chatterbox I cannot keep anything in, I really have to try hard...lol...now this part was to cheer you up

I can easily see though through your post is that the lack of talking about things in your family has encouraged you to keep this habit of not talking about your feelings up until now. But the fact tat you feel the need to talk indicates that you try to break this habit. I understand that you fid it extremely difficult to seek help from counsellor/gp, but perhaps you could write them a letter explaining how it is a problem for you to look people in the eye and aslo to speak about your feelings and they can just read it you don't need to talk. Or perhaps you could just try with baby seps like looking into your mum's eyes for a couple of seconds, then your dad, brother and when you feel comfortable maybe the shop assistant at the supermarket, or the postman. Just a suggestion. I just wanted you to know that I can appreciate fully how difficult this problem is for you. xxx

"If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you're guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn't YOU its- its the crazy lenses you are wearing! " Feeling Good handbook

[kuzaki]

Thanks for your kind words Pitita. One thing though, when I said I can't look someone in the eye and say how I feel, it was a figure of speech. I just can't open up period, whether looking them in the eye or not. That's why I'm here I guess.

David

[Cobweb]

Hi David

Given your background, i am not surprised that you are internalising everything. But hey, you are doing just great already. I mean, you have been able to write it all down here for starters. Even if this is the only place/way you can get it out, whatever it is that is bothering you, then that is a very very good start. So big pat on the back to you and well done for speaking out and speaking up. Good luck.

Cobweb

[Insomniac]

Hi David

My family were the same. you were never allowed to have any negative emotion, like anger, sadness, pain, or even things like appreciation which should be positive. So I find them hard to express.

Its such a habit that I have often suffered with depression from keeping everything inside. Its such a hard habit to break. Coming here is so helpful, because I can chat here and no-one can see me and judge me. I feel safe here. Its good to be able to chat and let things out in an honest way. [^] Thanks goodness for NMP! [Yes!]


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[LickeyEndBlues]

Hi David,

Being one who feels getting support is important, I guees in your case it is a matter of how. I can relate to some of what you say about your family, particularly in talking about real issues, not the garden of how great aunt millie is or stuff.

I have real regret at never getting to know my dad, and while my mum is still around all she does is berate him still, 10 years after he died. I have tried to talk feelings with her but I still don't think she understands as the comments still abound!! Anyway, you..this is your post.

You have started the process by entering into this site and opening up virtually to a whole host of anonymous strangers. As we get to understand each other in here and share issues, I am finding itreally useful in terms of externalising stuff. As I sit and type this various emotional stuff has filtered through my subconcious....it makes mewant to use the site more as you never know quite where it will take you.

I don't think I could be as open, face to face as I am here, but I now have many reference points to go back to should I need a script. I would like my partner to join this so she can access what I have said.

I guess writing it down is your first step, how are you on the phone?? There are phone networks who would happily let you talk and may well have other pointers for you. It may be something to consider.

Great to see you posting David.

Take care

Iain

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