At the moment I am existing, not living, just existing. I dont feel positive about any aspect of my life and cant see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I dont mix with anyone or socialise, I NEVER phone anyone, I dont have a hobby, osdijroenfwlnfl................................
This is about the third time I have tried to write down how I am feeling and its so hard that I'm close to giving up.
Basically at the moment I'm struggling with agoraphobia, anxiety & panic attacks, depression, a 5yr old who has ADHD and mild autism, a baby.....blah, blah, blah.
God I just cant seem to get out what I want to say.
I have shut myself off from the world. I have no friends to speak of, I dont see much of my family because they're all busy at the moment, I'm stuck in a rut and bored out my skull.
My day consists of getting the kids dressed and fed, take eldest to school which is a nightmare because of his problems, come home and put baby down for nap and go back to bed myself. I set my alarm to wake me just before I have to collect my son again at 12 midday (he only has funding to attend part-time) and then its time to feed them both again.
I rarely see any other adults on an average day because I dont make plans or phone and invite anyone round. I usually spend the next hour or so stopping my 5yr old hurting the baby and try to keep him amused with games, playstation, tv etc.
Just writing this is giving me chest pains because I'm so strung out about it at the moment. My hands are sweating and I'm wondering how and when things are going to improve.
The baby goes down for a nap again at about 2.30 - 3pm and I too sometimes go back to bed and only wake when my partner comes in from work at 4pm.
I dont care about house work or cooking, I never wash the car, the garden is a state and I dont even enjoy getting ready for the day anymore because I feel ugly.
I dont seem to be able to be positive about anything and I think the only thing stopping me from crying or cracking up is the fact that I'm on medication. I feel like the full blown depression is being held at bay but I'm still not feeling 'normal' enough to enjoy life.
I dont know why I'm bothering to sit here and tell you all this because I know there's nothing anyone can do about the way I feel. Maybe thats why I have cut myself off from everyone around me and spend most of my time sleeping. I prefer to be asleep than awake because I'm not consious of my problems or anything around me.
I constantly feel guilty for being this way because I know I should be taking my baby to toddler groups like I did with my older child and keeping the house clean and tidy. I also know that my 5yr old needs me to be strong and firm and enforce rules etc so he has consistancy but most of the time I just feel drained by his relentless demands and bad behaviour.
If I'm totally honest I'm desperate for change and am thinking about all kinds of things that will make me feel better that aren't neccessarily addressing the real problems.
I've thought about plastic surgery, I've thought about hiring a skip and chucking out most of my belongings so the house will stay tidy, I've thought about giving my ex custody of our son (the 5yr old) and lots more less drastic things like decorating, getting new carpets, having hair extentions, buying a new bed and sofa.
God, seeing this written down makes me sound like I've completely lost the plot!! [:P] But this just shows what a mess my head is in even though externally I look ok.
Not sure what I'm expecting in response to this?? Sorry to go on.
Caroline (after yet another bad day)
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