"It's Health Anxiety, it's not my fault"

[katesa]

**warning - may be a little upsetting to some as it involves me reflecting on what a git I was when at my worst in HA**

I'm sorry everyone but the unpleasant truth about Health Anxiety is that some of it IS our fault.

It is our fault if we google despite KNOWING what it will do to us.
It is our fault if we are not doing anything at all to get better.
It is our fault if we are so busy googling/checking our hurty bits that our loved ones get neglected and pulled down.

Yes, we have an illness. Yes it sucks enormous quantities of donkey. Yes I have done all of the above and worse. But while we can't help having this illness, we sure as hell can help what we do with it.

My husband became less attracted to me and my baby missed out on a lot because I was too busy engaging in the counter productive googling/reassurance seeking cycle without doing a damn thing to help myself

It was all me, me, me, everyone should understand how I felt, that it wasn't my fault etc etc

And no, it wasn't my fault that I was terrified and suffering from anxiety. My actions, or lack thereof, were though.

I was angry that the NHS couldn't give me a magic cure that took no work on my part. I was full of self pity. I didn't notice that I was my own worst enemy. It didn't even occur to me that I could control any of my actions, I thought I was nothing but a victim with no choice.

I am still guilty of the very same behaviours sometimes. We all slip up and HA is hell. But I think that this "We can't help it" makes us feel powerless and trapped.

We CAN try self help (Skippy's book is a great start as are many techniques mentioned by Honeylove on here)
We CAN keep pushing for help from our doctors, even try to scrimp the money together to go private if need be.
We CAN keep trying new things until we find something that helps.
We CAN stop Googling - yeah it's hard but ban medical sites from your computer if need be.
We CAN stop the reassurance cycle - again, it's freaking hard but nobody else can do it for us.
We CAN minimise the effect on our loved ones by doing all the above.

I will accept full responsibility for my actions, HA be damned. It will not control me anymore.

[Fishmanpa]

Hell of a post Kate! That's some truth right there! Self awareness is a big step in the recovery process and recognizing that puts you on the right path.

Positive thoughts

[cattia]

I know what you're saying. Maybe 'fault' is the wrong word, as blaming ourselves is also counter productive. The fact is that we do have a compulsive illness that makes it perhaps more difficult for us to gain control over aspects of our behaviour than it might be for healthy people. However, it is our responsibility, with the right support, to take the steps that we need to take to get better. I have googled a lot recently, after long, long spells (somtimes years) of being more or less HA free. I am frustrated with myself but at the same time, I realise that having anxiety makes me prone to behave in unhelpful ways. I know that I just have to pick up and move on, and try to get my strategies into gear. It's not that I don't have them (after 15 years battling HA I have plenty) but more that I justify not using them when things get hard.

ETA: I also think the issue of responsibility is particulary important when you have children. At the end of the day, when I gave in to HA behaviour and thought patterns in my younger years, it was mostly me who suffered, but the thought of passing this anxiety on to my childrenis the biggest wake up call. If I can't manage anything else, I do try hard to manage how I am around them.

[katesa]

Thanks Fishmanpa, I think you know where this came from.

You're right Cattia, "fault" is perhaps the wrong word in general. For me though, it's the right word for my circumstances - I can't cut myself any slack in accepting responsibility for what I did, the pain I caused not just myself but my husband (thankfully my baby is too young to remember) because it wasn't until I realised that I had choices that I really made the effort. I found that having a get out clause only delayed me because I was in honesty, in a very selfish frame of mind. That's not the case for everyone though and clearly not for you.

[Fishmanpa]

Yes... perhaps "fault" is not the word but as Cattia said, "Responsibility" and Acceptance" certainly are. If you recognize an issue it's up to you to address it. No one can do that for you. If indeed you do not, or not even make the effort, then the word "fault" would be appropriate.

That goes not only for HA and other mental illnesses but for life situations that require decisions and responses in general.

Positive thoughts

[roxy90]

Fan post, and all so very true!x

[rebeccad]

Yep yep couldn't have put it better myself x

[jill]

GREAT POST

LOVE JILL XXX