Journaling just does not do the same thing for me as writing where it feels someone is listening, so I am going to post my "musings" (a.k.a. ramblings) here. Maybe they will help someone, or maybe they will just be another way to pass the time.....either way, it feels therapeutic for me, so I appreciate the space to exhale these thoughts that may-- or may not-- really make sense.

I am in the journey of recovery from what my newfound favorite author, Claire Weeks, calls "nervous illness." My doctor calls it Acute Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. What has probably been building for a lifetime rose to the surface briefly a year ago, and then moved in full force at the beginning of October. Didn't have a clue what was happening to me. As these musings will not spill out in linear fashion I am just going to write what I have been thinking this morning. These thoughts have rolled together as a compilation from what I have gathered from my new community here at NMP, Claire Weeks, Nothing Works, and my own ever-whirring brain.

I have been trying to "get to know" the assailant known as Panic who keeps attacking me. I have tried to sit with him. I have tried to banish him. I have pleaded, begged, threatened, exorcised, and bargained with him. But, he is obsessed with me.....and I am obsessed with him. I call him The Dragon Adrenaline. The Dragon is relentless. He invades every part of me. His wings beat so hard in my stomach that I feel it will actually open me up. His fire breathes hot into my brain and I can feel it start to simmer and boil from the heat. His talons claw into my arms, legs, neck, face. He releases a poison inside me that makes me feel like I am being electrocuted from the inside out, and my heart is affected most by his poison as it beats so hard and so fast that I am sure it will just explode at any moment.

And, then.....I finally broke though. I finally got to see this beast for whom he really is. .......And, he isn't a he-... my dragon... is a she. And, not just any she......she is ME. I am the dragon. Well,....dragon-ness (not a word, right?). And,....get this. I am not trying to hurt me. I am a fierce protector giving all I have to protect me. To help me fight with all I have or flee with all my might from this adversary Panic who is attacking me.

But, wait again.....If I am the dragon.....and I am protecting me from these "attacks"......then they are not really attacks because they are my own best defensive mechanisms. Uhhhh.....there is no attack? Then what is this that I am feeling??? What is this that is making my life unbearable?

Miscommunication. Mixed Signals. I am not communicating with my dragon-self very well. We don't always speak the same language. We more or less "read" each other's body language and feelings. And, all my dragon-self knows is I am scared, miserable, and frozen due to my feelings, so my dragon-self goes crazy in trying to help me and protect me.....cycle, recycle, recycle, recycle......

The Dragon and I are now in couples therapy. We need to learn to speak each other's love language.....and we will.