Musings: The Dragon Within

[MrAndy]

To, TMT, Andy & Luna.

It's incredible to see your improvement, I want to as you guys a few questions maybe queries!
Lately I too have been feeling a wee bit better, my realisation that I may not have impending doom lurking round the corner, and my symptoms are still there but lessened slightly. I keep reflecting on a few weeks/months and see the very gradual development. I'm not scared anymore, I accept my symptoms even though thy still changing on an daily/hourly basis.

I've been reading Dr. Claire Weekes & nothingworks.weebly.com. Trying to put the teaching into practice.

The question I have, if you don't know what the 'triggers' are, and continue to have the same symptoms day in day out. How do I fully know if I too will ever reach the end goal of recovery?

I'm still clouded by this and finding it hard what direction I need to take to enable to be a success story. Don't want to hard on myself, I tell myself I've got this far without meds, and like claire weekes encourages 'let time pass'. I don't know what 'tools' I need to get well?
Thanks xx

You have to let go and not think about how long recovery will take ,I was obsessed with it at first and quickly learnt it wasn't helping.Take each day as it comes and be patient

[Fishmanpa]

It isn’t a puppy.......it is a dragon. A well-behaved, well-meaning, healthy, and obedient dragon. A dragon who has accepted she will be on a leash under my direction.

So, it seems that after much training- it appears my dragon can be tamed. Can be convinced. Can be reined in.

And it appears the Dragon's name really is "Falkor"

Positive thoughts

[mermaid]

Having a blip with my dragon. I felt the creature had been well and truly shut away only to find it rearing it's ugly head again over the last few days.

It's a bad month for me as it's a year next week I lost mum. It's my birthday tomorrow and have been spoilt already but last few days feel the old symptoms starting again.

Can't even recall the strategies that my counsellor told me to use in a relapse situation.

Sorry to be so negative.

Mermaid

[Tanner40]

Mermaid, sorry to hear that you're having a bit of a rough time right now. Events like the anniversary of your Mum's death can bring feelings back to the forefront that evoke anxiety. This is normal for people that don't even suffer from anxiety. Recognize the anxiety for what it is, normal, and let it go.
Go back and read some of your old posts. Read some posts of recovery by people that you resonate with. You will remember the coping techniques that you used. Everything can and will be fine. Recovery from anxiety requires daily maintenance. You can do this.

[LeFi_81]

Y

I would recommend EFT ... It looks kooky, but it works, it works every time and it works permanently if you are specific enough.

Why does it work?

Personally I have researched it intently and and close the knowing exactly why, but unfortunately I don't have the language as yet to translat this into a few snappy phrases with the usual knob-gags to make this understanding easy.

But you don't need to understand it. I know it works, it always works.

OK Chris, what is EFT? NLP?

Nothingworks is really working for me btw (no irony intended, this credit should be dedicated to the author).

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Well, as you may have read from my other thread today…..I had a panic "episode" today. Woke up with it. Bad enough my husband had to come home from work to take care of the kiddos, but the "attack" ended somewhere around 2pm, and now I am just dealing with the yucky after feelings.

I haven't been around here much the last two weeks- mainly because life just got incredibly busy. So busy, in fact, that I felt the physical anxiety stuff start creeping back over me. I have been dwelling a bit more on my mom's cancer. The housework started piling up a bit as I have been running 24/7 out and about. I wasn't getting enough sleep at night. I was cramming too much in a day and although getting things done successfully- it was at the cost of me running from the minute I woke up until the minute I went to bed- and my heart was back to racing full time most the day. I even said several times in the last few days that I knew I was pushing it. I was running too hot all day and night. But, it felt so awesome to be "back." To be kicking butt and taking names with all I was taking on. However, that is where I get into trouble, and I end up getting my own butt kicked.
(I have heard my wise friend, Tanner, say over and over how important it is to keep tending to your self even when things are good…..I won't be taking that advice lightly from here out.)

There has been a lot going on around our place.
My mom is getting ready to start radiation. We just got the date for her first big scan since her radical mastectomy- June 3. We all already have FMP's "scanxiety" biting around on us.
My husband just got approved to purchase a third store (we own two restaurant franchises and now are going into a third).
Both my husband and my two, little monkeys have been sick with one bug after another. (Come on, Spring!!!) Thank God (literally!) I have managed to stay pretty clear from getting any of it.
I joined a gym at the beginning of Feb, and have been working out a couple of hours a day as often as I can make it happen. After recent pregnancy and months of hospital bed rest (followed by my nervous breakdown) it is wonderful to sweat and have sore muscles from good, old fashioned, hard work!
I have been back in the kitchen cooking away. Organizing play-dates, going on dates with my hubby, church stuff, and more…..VERY BUSY.

Then two weekends ago my baby girl (six months) was up at 130am snorting and hacking with a cold, so I decided to go sit up with her in the living room- thinking that if she was upright for sleeping she would be more comfortable. Well, I got halfway down our stairs and missed a step falling forward into the air. My sweet baby girl got launched out of my arms and hit her head on the stairs, flipped hit her head again, and landed at the bottom of the staircase on the wood floor- landing on her head. It was the most terrorizing thing ever. She had quite a few abrasions (rug burn) on her head and a pretty good dent above her forehead. We went to the ER at our local children's hospital, and they put her through neuro testing and then a cat scan. She was cleared. (Of course, they had to explain to me that there are risks of radiation to her developing brain- makes me sick to think about it, but we had to do it…..so I am not going to use catastrophizing thought processes about this subject. I am going to have immense gratitude that she came through the ordeal whole and fine.) Two days later an almost cartoon-like lump started raising on her head……doctors were quite concerned as it was right on the edge of her soft spot, but turned out to be a delayed hematoma. She is truly fine.

I think I am going to discontinue my talk therapy. I don't feel it is going to be beneficial for me, and my GP agrees. My CBT therapist has "turned me loose" as he considers me completely recovered, but I will go back to see him for tune ups. Saw my GP yesterday and she also said I am at a place now to just give her a call if I need her, but to keep on, keepin' on. She did remind me that I will continue to get better and better as my nervous system heals, but that my physical nerves can take a long time to heal…..however, mentally my healing seems to be progressing really well. MY moods are great! (Other than the dang panic attack I had earlier today….I am doing great! LOL!)

I have several "dragon musings" I need to put into words, but at least I have finally gotten caught up around here.

[Fishmanpa]

Awesome to read your post. Regardless of future participation on the boards, the term "Dragon" has made it's mark and will live on in name only

Glad the little one is Ok. My son had such an episode when he was little although not from launching him in the air ~lol~ He was messing around on the sofa not long after he began walking and was standing too close to the edge. I kept warning him but he wouldn't listen. I turned for a moment and heard "BANG, BANG BANG" and then "Waahhhhh".... he went off the edge hit his head on the wood steps and then bounced off the wall to the wood floor. I was terrified he hurt himself but he was fine too.

You've made tremendous progress and are an inspiration. I hope many here take your courage and determination as a queue that they too can tame the Dragon and get back to living.

Positive thoughts always!

[Tanner40]

Glad the baby is fine. That would have been a terrifying experience. Sounds like you are handling everything as well as can be expected. Keep your head up and the dragon down.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

So……awhile back I posted a thread (and included it here) called "Steering Our Thoughts." This last week I have had another car analogy come up (which is funny because I am so not a gear head in any way! LOL!).

We were driving along and I was watching our tachometer, and I asked my husband if cars that ran "hotter" always had something wrong with them. He told me that there are actually cars that are designed to run at that higher level. The more I have thought about it…..I think that applies to me too. I naturally run at a hotter level than most of those around me. I wake up and I am ready to hit the day. I'm a go, go, go and do, do, do type of gal. I used to never be able to just sit and watch a movie on the couch…..I would also have to be surfing, reading, writing to-do lists, …sometimes several of those options at once. It SEEMED to be working for me. I was driven. I was successful. My friends call me a hummingbird as I am a pretty small little thing that zips around constantly. Now that I think of it…..I can't picture a hummingbird's wings stopping even when it sleeps.

Okay, so I'm a hummingbird……, but long term my wings started wearing out. Now that I am "recovered" (I still say that although I just had an attack yesterday.) what does my hummingbird personality mean for well-being?

I think it means that it is fine to schedule my plans where I go, go, go,…..as long as I am scheduling balanced time for me to slow down, pause, stop. Too much flitting about is like living life in fast forward. There is no feeling what is happening. There is no savoring every precious moment. There is no human BEING, but only human DOING.

So, back to the car analogy-- my tachometer does run higher and that is fine. I really like who I am in that regard……, but I need to put it in park sometimes. I need to just park in the shade sometimes-- otherwise I end up overheating.

Summary:
REST WITH REASON. MOVE WITH PASSION.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Oh, you rascally, dragon, you.
Can't figure out for sure how you escaped your pen…..have some pretty good guesses though.
The thing is- now you are out. You are making the most of it too. Gosh, I hate you.

You seem to not care about my breathing exercises. You seem to be laughing at my fight for positive and rational thoughts, and you are definitely taunting me as I am trying to get one foot in front of the other today.

Okay- acceptance.
Let me really pause there for a moment.

I had accepted I had anxiety-- but then felt I had defeated it.
Now I have to accept it again. Is it possible it is a little more bitter to swallow this go around?

I had accepted none of these awful feelings can hurt me.
Now I have to accept that even living off and on long term is okay.

I had accepted that I can still do everything I need to do even in this state.
I now have to accept it again.

More than anything right now what I have to accept is that I WILL BE BACK WHERE I WAS. It may take a little time for me to get back there, and I have to accept that too.

Say it, Too Much. Say it.

I ACCEPT THAT I WILL "RECOVER" AGAIN.
I ACCEPT THAT THIS IS NOT WHERE I WILL LIVE, BUT MAY VISIT FROM TIME TO TIME.
I ACCEPT THAT THERE IS A STILL A PURPOSE IN EACH PART OF MY LIFE-- EVEN THIS.
I ACCEPT THAT TODAY CAN STILL BE FULL OF BLESSINGS.
I ACCEPT THAT SOME DAYS THE ARMOR IS MUCH HEAVIER THAN OTHERS.
I ACCEPT THAT JUST BECAUSE I AM HAVING A HARD TIME IT DOESN'T MEAN I AM BACK TO HELL AGAIN.
I ACCEPT THAT I NOW NEED TO GO BACK TO THE TOP OF THIS LIST AND SAY IT AGAIN. AND SAY IT AGAIN. AND SAY IT AGAIN.