Musings: The Dragon Within

[Fishmanpa]

Too Much,

One of the things about acceptance, especially with an illness is the recognition that recovery is just that.... recovery. You've recovered from the illness but it doesn't make you immune like you would be with a vaccination against a disease.

My MO (medical oncologist) told me I'll always be a survivor. I'm "cancer free" but still a survivor. I'm healing as are you, but as a survivor we're reminded of the battle we've been through.

Just like I have my reminders, so do you in the form of a blip now and again. Eventually, as we recover more and more, the reminders become less and less. As I'm sure I'll feel better a year from now, so will you. Keep in mind it wasn't that long ago you were grappling on all fours with the Dragon. Give yourself some slack. I know it's tiring and frustrating but at least this time you're standing on two feet wielding a sword..

Positive thoughts

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Thank you.
I think the uncertainty of where/when/why the dragon rears its ugly head is part of what makes the fear loop so bad. This was once again "new battleground" as having it raise up so strong after doing SO well for quite awhile…..made it a new fight and acceptance experience.
I also found myself so frightened and discouraged because I thought if the dragon did get out of line again-- I was way farther along in my training and it wouldn't phase me too much. However, when it gets bad--- it is so hard to get past the feeling of doom and fear. (The doom I guess relates to the awful feelings in the present, and the fear relates to the fear of continuing in them.)

One thing I already know I am taking from this is how serious blips are for people. Without support and encouragement I almost feel a bad blip can put people back to square one and even farther because it is easy to really lose hope. It also reawakens my compassion to those in the early throes of these disorders. I've gotten fairly good at my jousting and sword fighting skills, but this morning I felt several times like I couldn't even remember how to put on my armor.

My husband is amazing though- after his initial fears and worry at seeing me slipping back…he first tried to just start taking everything on again…., but today he kissed me on the forehead and said I'm taking Colt (our four year old) for a drive. He needs some fresh air as he's been so sick and stuck inside. I started to panic that they were leaving. I wanted them here in the living room with me. It also meant I would have to get up to care for Evangeline (our 7 month old). Well, that sneaky, smart man knew just what he was doing. It did force me to get up. It did force me to not avoid being alone in this state. And, by the time he came home I had made some major headway in our piled up kitchen. Got more "sick kid laundry" going, fed the baby, and was playing with her. Wow, I love that man.

I'm still getting some very bad waves, but at least for the moment…..I am doing better.

[MrAndy]

Sending you positive thoughts TMT

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Ahhh…hey, Andy. Thank you. I was hoping to see you around here today.

LOL- my life reminds me of those quality control counts you see on movies for factories….."We have gone 63 days without incident."

Well, starting the count back at zero. LOL.

[Tanner40]

You will get back starting with Day 1, Day 2, etc... One day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow is never promised to any of us.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Very true, Tanner.

How did surgery for your dad go today?

[mermaid]

TooMuch thankyou so much for your wise words. I too have been struggling this week and you hit the nail on the head as always so eloquently. Your description of feelings and thoughts mirror my own and I also have a wonderful husband who understands, cares and supports me.

Let's sort out these blips together!

Mermaid

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Gosh, Mermaid, you are too kind. I don't feel wise or eloquent at all right now……I feel nauseated! LOL!
Have been napping on and off today as I have had to rely on some low doses of Xanax to get through the worst of the waves. I just awakened to feeling terribly sick to my stomach…..since my kiddo has been sick, I'm not sure what is sickness and what is anxiety.
I go back and forth between looking forward to tomorrow and dreading it. Tomorrow is one day closer to being well again, but tomorrow also is a long day of caring for the kids by myself and my son is still really sick.
Do you have work tomorrow?

[mermaid]

Yes have been to work today and was so busy I had no time to think about myself! I had to rely on few doses of diazepam last week to help me. I am just so shocked at how quickly and violently the dragon returns without any warning signs.
We talked about relapse strategy at my counselling sessions and how to recognise the stages leading up to them but it just came back out of nowhere.
How have you been today?

Mermaid

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Honestly,…..I'm working to just get through the minutes right now.