Musings: The Dragon Within

[LeFi_81]

Can you call a friend? You should not be alone

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Not really…..all of my friends have young children, and we have too much illness going on here.

I'll be okay. I've been through it before, but nothing this bad since I was in the dark, dark days.

[Tanner40]

What's up Too Much? Just saw your post and wanted to see how I could help. I remember those days when there were times that I didn't know how I would get through the next five minutes. Each time I didn't think that I could do it, I did it. If you ever need someone to physically talk to, just let me know. I'm just a couple of states away. I can PM you my phone number. You can and will do this. You are strong. Keep repeating that to yourself.

[Fishmanpa]

I don't know if you've done this but go back and read this thread from the start. I spent a bit reading your posts and it's like reading your journey through hell and back. One thing that stands out throughout is your inner strength and determination. You haven't lost it. It's still there albeit a bit charred at the moment but it's still there and as strong as it ever was.

One thing about the tempered steel of a Dragon Slayers sword. No amount of fire can melt it nor take it's edge away.

Positive thoughts

[MrAndy]

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill
Back to basics TMT and dont forget to be gentle with yourself

[mermaid]

How are you feeling today TooMuch?

Sending hugs

Mermaid

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Thank you so much, dear friends.
I am feeding my dragon warrior self by reading over and over the advice and support you are sending me, and it is keeping me from going under right now.
FMP- I did go back and read this thread. Wow. I sat and wept as I read it as it is so hard to recall the darkest days of my life, and it is so hard to be tasting them again. But, I KNOW deep down this will be a storm that passes, not even a season.
MrA- I am trying my best to go back to the basics. Man, I forgot how hard it can be to force myself up from the couch where I am frozen.
And, the depression. Wow. Along with the waves of panic- the depression just feels suffocating.
Tanner- your new thread today is fantastic. Thank you for being there for me yesterday.
Mermaid, LeFi, KLP,….all of you…you have truly become friends (along with many others here), and I am so thankful for you.
I am fighting through again today. I am fighting my own weakness to give in and be swallowed up by this by accepting it is how I feel today, but I still have a beautiful life to lead! I am going to be okay, and although (if I am honest) I am devastated to be back here--- I will be a warrior. (Do warriors weep all the way through writing that they will be strong?)
I have to get up off this couch. Think I am going to set my timer for small intervals that I have to get up and do something. Can't believe I am back here. But, I do have say in how long I stay……or at least how I proceed in the storm.

[KLP]

It's ok to cry, I mean really cry. Sometimes it is another way of releasing the tension that the dragon as sat on. We're all here for you now, later, tomorrow.

[LeFi_81]

My thoughts are often with you. Just try to take care of yourself as best as you can now. The wheel turns. Slowly. But it does turn!

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Thank you, Ladies.

Well, another day is half done. It's amazing how when I am not having to walk against a stream of dragon fire how the days go by so fast. They are filled with the whirlwind of life, ….but on days like the last five-- they drag on, and on, and on. I notice several of the patterns from the dark days….I just want it to be night so that my hubby will be home in the living room with us, watching some kid appropriate, mindless television. I don't want my four year old to go down for a nap, because I don't want to be alone in the living room. I have to force myself off the couch just to make that same peanut butter and jelly that I was having so much trouble getting up to make two months ago. I obsessively stay on this site……which in itself isn't a bad thing…., but it isn't balanced with "real life." I am just clinging to all of my safety nets.
As evening comes on I start to have a bit of reprieve. This is the same as the dark days too. But, you know what else happened in the dark days?? They came to an end.

One of the things that is so hard about this time is how saddened and frustrated my husband is that we are back here again. He has WAY more faith than I do that I will come out of this again (although I do believe it), but it has really rocked him that we only got me back for a couple of months before this relapse happened. I have just been reveling in watching him walk around the house smiling because "he had his wife back."

He will have me back again. BUT WHEN???? That is what my brain keeps screaming……and that is not true acceptance, I guess.

I am also finding myself dreading and trying to figure out how to get out of any commitments (particularly social) that are coming up. I know this is avoidance, and is a very slippery slope back to agoraphobia. How amazing the power our body chemistry has over us….I am very strong willed, but since all this- I have to fight so hard not to just cower before the dragon in order to appease her in anyway I can.

But I will fight. I will. I will. I will.

I am spewing out all these words so that if/when I have to travel the relapse road again I will see that this is the same old pattern. The same old maze my mind and nervous system are trying to work out……, and hopefully it will help me remember how to navigate myself out of it more quickly next time. (And, hopefully, next time will be ages and ages away.)