Musings: The Dragon Within

[cloudbusting]

Great to have you back TMTLF

I missed seeing you around x

Lisa x

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Good morning, friends!
Thanks for the replies! This morning is one of the many I have had in the last six weeks where the yucky feelings are surging….., but I've got too much to do so they are just gonna have to try to keep up with me today!

My little boy has been sick again (yucky tummy bug and fever)- I swear, the first four years of his life he never caught anything and now that he is in preschool he brings home every dang bug out there! I spent all yesterday on the couch with him and then slept next to him in his little bed last night. He awoke bright eyed and bushy tailed today----I, however, awoke (wait, did I sleep?) with a very aching back! Lol!

I also have my first appt with a personal trainer at the gym today! Excited and dreading it all at the same time. I have always been petite and slender…..I guess I still am by most standards,…..but it appears that I am going to be one of the "lucky ones" for whom SSRIs cause some weight gain. Bummer. Overall though, I think it will be another blessing in disguise. Because I was always naturally able to just get by eating whatever and how much I wanted…..I definitely didn't make too healthy of choices in that department. I only really was concerned with how my diet affected my weight-- not how it affected my health-- so now that it seems those days are over…..I will actually end up being healthier- which is a good thing. Just another "new normal" to which I have to adjust. Of course, the fact that my resting heart rate was often in the 100s before I developed panic disorder just goes to show that I running too hot for quite awhile. Now that I am in a normal range for a resting heart rate (due to meds)-- my body isn't able to burn through the amount of calories that I like to consume. Lol.

Well, my baby girl is getting impatient, so better run. Hard to believe she just turned nine months old and that I am planning her first birthday party! When I started this journey (at least when it turned into a full time part of my life) she was three months old.

Choose life today, my friends! It is waiting before us. A gift that each of us awoke with this morning. Even if some of us awoke with some pesky dragons biting at our ankles.

---------- Post added at 07:53 ---------- Previous post was at 07:52 ----------

Thanks, Lisa!!…..how are you doing these days?

[helena8888]

Hi Too Much, I also kept away for a while and can relate to your latest posts. I managed to stay away from the HA posts... I am now in 3 months into my sert treatment and 10 days at 75mg. I upped up my dosage after a bad week before my "special time of the month". I feel definetely much better even if hyperventilation has become my daily companion. In fact when I am busy I do not notice it. The thing is I am very fine in my head, but I am somatising my anxiety.
Like you and many others I realised that medication is not the full remedy. It definitely helps but I tought it was a magic wand that would sweep away my anxiety. I does not and I am trying to find out what deep inside of me is causing this anxiety. I am exploring semi-conscious hypnosis, went back to my childhood, re-enacted some stressfull moments, tried to deal with them. It helped but there is no miracle cure. I think I inflicted a lot of stress on my body over the years, but I guess no more than an average person, it is just that some of us are more sensitive. I have learnt to accept that and that I need to rest and take care of my body and my mind which for me was a waste of time before. Well I am still positive and hopefull that I will get better with time.
Take care all of you

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Ai, yi, yi,……and here I am again.
Haven't been around here for months as I have been trying to "just live" and not dwell on my issues with panic disorder; however, I have felt the dragon heating up over the last few days,…..and sure enough- it is 2am and I am dealing with a massive panic attack.
I know in my head better than to panic about the panic……and, yet, the thoughts are waging an attack on my mind. "What if this turns into a big panic loop? What if I am still like this in the morning? What if this time I return to those dark days I found myself in last fall? Nobody understands, nobody knows what I am going through….." And, so I find myself back here……because many of you do know.
My last panic attack was April 30. Today is my anniversary- spent last anniversary in the hospital on strict bed rest with a complicated pregnancy. We have special plans for a fancy dinner and stay in a downtown hotel tomorrow- and now I am afraid I will ruin it. Tried my techniques for awhile to simmer the dragon down, but she just started getting angrier and angrier. Now resorted to my "panic pills"-- Xanax……and just praying they will put the dragon to sleep soon.
I HATE THIS. Why can't I just have a normal freakin' adrenaline system? Ugh.

[Fishmanpa]

TooMuch! I was wondering about you! Sorry to hear you're having a blip.... And that's all it is... a "blip". You're one of the fiercest Dragon Slayers out there. It's Ok if he gets a lick in here and there because you have armor and skills.

I have all the confidence you'll fend off this attack.

Positive thooughts

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Ahhh, good morning, FMP!
It took a good couple of hellish hours, but it has subsided. Today I just have the "I think I was hit by a train feeling" from it…., and, of course, some residual fear of it reoccurring,….and the question that does not in my case necessarily have an answer- "Why did this happen again?"
It is very interesting that over the last few months I felt like it was/is better for me to distance myself from here (even though I honestly felt like I was abandoning my friends here- and although I know we all agree we have to do what furthers our health the most- I have still felt guilty about disappearing….), and yet last night in the throes of panic- I knew this was where I needed to turn. So thankful for this site.

FMP- My congrats to you! I believe you and your Chiquita were married at the beginning of June? How are you doing? Any upcoming scans, etc? My mom has her first big screening since finishing chemo, her radical mastectomy, and radiation coming up in two weeks. I am sure that is feeding my dragon. Everytime it crosses my mind I feel that wave of palpable fear course through me.
Also, just wondering how my other dear cyber friends (Tanner, MrAndy, KLF, LeFi, Luna, just to name a few) are doing…..I so hope that all are well and living in peace!
Thanks for your reply, FMP. It truly is good to connect with you again.

[Tanner40]

Good Morning Too Much! This is quite a coincidence as I haven't been on here for awhile myself. I tune in and here you are. Good to see you but not glad to hear that the dragon is raising it's ugly head a bit.

You know it's just a blip it's an anniversary of a stressful time in your life. This time last year, you were a bit worried. It's also a time of excitement over a good anniversary. And I'm sure the worry about your Mother is bringing up some uncertainties.

You will handle all of this and will handle it well. Just remember it's a blip and you have all of the tools on that dragon slayer belt. You can do this.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Good Morning, Tanner!
How are you? I would love a catch up on how you, your partner (and her mother), your dad, brothers, work,…..lol, basically, how your world is going.
This morning I keep wanting to just cancel our plans and lay very low. That sounds comfortable. That sounds safe. However, I am NOT where I was in the dark days. I'm just having some very "uncomfortable" (there has to be a stronger word for what I am feeling) moments. Because I know that I can and will get through everything well tonight I am going to put a smile on my face, one foot in front of the other, and draw on the strength I know I have- even if I don't feel like it. And, bottom line, is I am going to show the dragon who is boss by not giving in, and not letting her steal joy from my husband and I tonight!
I hope you are well, Tanner! I actually think about you quite often, and want the very best for you!

[DustingMyselfOff]

I have no words of wisdom that you don't already know - I'm just replying to let you know that I've felt everything you're feeling, and maybe you'll find comfort in the fact that I do understand, I have been there, and I'm sure I will be there again.

If a genie were to grant me a wish I would wish for a few days in which I was not "watching" what was going on in my mind and body. I would love a vacation from being so aware and alert to every little change and blip. I envy people who experience illnesses and setbacks and just accept them, rather than panic from them and turn them into mountains. Yes, intellectually you and I know what these attacks are, what we need to do to get through them, and that they will pass, but I have yet to find a way to not let the panic instantly turn into "what if', why now, why me, not again!" etc.

Sometimes I almost think having a string of good days is bad for me because I am SO disappointed, disheartened, and defeated when I have a blip or setback. I want to throw in the towel, give up on trying to ever have a "normal" life, and want to just quit my job, shut out the world, and hole myself up in the house. I've told my husband to go find someone more "fun" because I am so tired of forcing myself to try to live a full and active life.

And then, a day or two later, I am back to feeling the anxiety recede, I find the courage and desire to go out and live again, and I become an active, happy, fun member of life.

But yet, when we're in the midst of it, I'm not sure it's possible to talk ourselves out of it with common sense and past experience. It's the nature of the beast - our panic attacks aren't only for those few intense moments but also the short while leading up to them (we get pretty good at knowing when they're coming) and then for a day or two afterwards while we recover. That's when I go through the defeated "why bother" stage and just turn into a hermit.

Sorry for the blip, good luck trying to figure out why it happened (that's my biggest obsession - I always want to know WHY!) and remember that you will be back to your old self soon.

We're here, and we understand.
Sue

[Tanner40]

Too Much,

Just checking in on the off chance that you would look in on your post. Hoping everything went well for you last evening and the pesky dragon stayed in her cave, where she belongs.
As for me, I have had a few blips myself but nothing major. I would just like to feel spectacular every day. Not much to ask for, huh? I find myself thinking of you often as well. Too bad we're not close enough for a cup of coffee.

Tanner