Soooo....there has been some improvement in the way in which my dragon and I are relating to each other.
I have had a few (very) rough moments over the last week where she and I were face to face. She was huffing and puffing- the smell of her smoky breath had me reeling and dizzy. All I could hear was my own heart pounding in my ears, and I was shaking in my snow boots so badly I thought I couldn't surely stay standing......, but I did.
And the dragon shrinks.
Face to Face- I stared her down. I didn't speak. I didn't cry. I just stared her down. My lungs kept taking the breaths they know to take. My legs remembered how to stand even though I was sure my brain didn't know how to tell them to do so. The outside world melted away and it was just her- and me. The longer I stood there and just stared her down- the calmer she became. Until she finally just....I don't know....got bored? And, went on about her business. I could still feel her in me, but we just ignored each other.
And the dragon shrinks.
So, that's where we are at the moment. She seems to have her particularly touchy times of day- so I just let her have her space in those hours-- for now. She hums around through me most of the rest of the day as well, but the more I ignore her- the more she ignores me......, and the more I ignore (not run from, but just accept and move on anyway) the way she makes me feel when she is all fired up- the less those physical feelings affect me.
And the dragon shrinks.
One of the biggest combat/training strategies I am working on mastering right now are snuffing out the polluted thoughts..., the catastrophizing thoughts, the "what ifs", and the self pity (this is a big one), the negative self talk, and the OVER-THINKING thoughts (huge one). It is as if once my dragon has let out a few series of fire breathing....the tendrils of smoke turn into these poisonous thoughts. I am now taking them on in the same way I am taking on my physical symptoms- except with these....I am just shutting them down. I shut them down and replace them immediately.
And the dragon shrinks.
Today I attended my first play group with my two kids, and four of my best friends and their kids- for the first time since I "broke." It was work on a hundred different levels to get there today- but I did..., and the dragon came too- in fact, she was growling and carrying on quite a bit here and there.....but I was laughing too loud with my girlfriends to hear her.
And the dragon shrinks.
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