HELP confused, I feel like I'm going mad!

[relda]

I've always been very anxious about, well just about everything but I also have thoughts which pop up from nowhere & really disturb me.

These thoughts relate to loved ones being killed in car crashes or my hubby having a heart attack & dying. I can't stop them, they're there all the time. I'm only comfortable if my hubby is with me. If he's away I struggle to lose these images & have to phone him to check he's ok. If he doesn't answer thungs escalate out of proportion.

I also like things to be in even numbers & things to be put away in their right place. If they're not (frequent) I get really irritable & have to put them back, the problem arises when I'm depressed or have overwhelming anxiety, when I find it hard to be functional. When this happens I just feel uncomfortable in my own surroundings.

When I was younger I had to check the whole house to make sure all the electrics were off & there wouldn't be a fire. I used to sit awake in the bathroom to check for smoke etc.

This is just a little insight but all I can manage. I'm hoping that someone can shed some light on what is going on in my head.

[relda]

Any ideas anyone???

[NorthernGeek]

I have similar OCD type issues too, especially when I am on my own.

Many people think OCD is just about spending half your life tidying up & rushing round with the vacuum cleaner, but for me it's obsessively worrying about bad things happening, both now & in the future, especially to the people I love.

Every night I end up checking that all the doors are locked over & over again because I always have that nagging doubt that I didn't quite check it properly. I have to similarly check the fridge & the cooker, even though I know that I have never been burgled or accidentally left the gas hob on, or the fridge/freezer door open.

Aside from such mundane things, I also constantly worry about my family & now that my parents are in their late 70s, I worry that every time I see them or speak on the phone might be the last. I am also the carer for someone with a long term disability & constantly worry about who would take that responsibility if anything happened to me. I've had many sleepless nights worrying about what will happen 10, 20 & even 30 years into the future. When the attacks happen, they feel like Vertigo & I end up watching TV in the middle of the night to distract myself.

I had a minor breakdown almost two months ago & am now on 40mg Citalopram which makes the depression, OCD/anxiety & negative thoughts much more manageable. The issues are still there, but at least now they are at 'arms length' & it is much easier to distract myself out of negative thought loops. The internal voice that constantly told me that if I hadn't done things properly bad things would happen is very much quieter now & the panic attacks in the middle of the night are also much less frequent.

My problems are just much reduced rather than gone, so I don't think medication is the permanent answer. I'm waiting for an appointment with a clinical psychologist though, so hopefully she will be able to suggest a longer term solution.

Hope things start to improve for you soon.

[relda]

Thank you for replying

Much of what you said rings so true.

Right now I'm really struggling. The thoughts are always there but a month or so ago everything got way to much which flared up my general anxiety and ability to cope. Right now I'm struggling with day to day life. Everyone is at home & for me home is relatively safe. But if hubby is away from my side I can't relax, I need to check he's ok, when I can't (if he hasn't got his mobile or doesn't answer) things become unbearable.

I've just started on pregabalin which almost numbs the anxiety, like you say it's still there just weaker.