I never seem to feel happy in a relationship...

[GirlAfraid23]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years in May. We have had our ups and downs but I am getting concerned as I feel as though I will never be entirely happy.
I feel like such an awful person, but I'm always looking for something "more", some "excitement" almost as if I need some escapism.

He's such a steady, reliable man and he has a very good job and I know he would never leave me.
However, it never seems enough. The spark isn't as strong as it was when we first started going out together but is that normal after 5 years or more?

I struggle with the concept of staying with one person for the rest of my life. I have never and would never cheat on him but this feeling is eating me up.
I've recently met someone online and although we are just friends, we have so much in common and I'm starting to feel something for him. I know it's probably all fantasy and in reality I am better off with my current boyfriend but I feel there is a real lack of excitement.
I have extreme ideas and expectations of what love and relationships are I think. I blame the amount of fictional literature I read.

This has happened in the past during previous relationships. So I'm worried I will never be truly happy and spend my life searching for "the one".

[Rachy-Rach]

There is a saying "The grass is always greener on the other side." However, if you tend to your own lawn it can be just as green.

At the end of the day you're not married. If it's not working then you are free to leave. There's nothing worse than being with the wrong person. However, is it you that needs to spice things up a bit? It doesn't have to be drastic. But having dinner at a nice restaurant, preparing a special candle lit dinner, making something together. If it's really not working then sure, walk away. If you were happy you wouldn't look at anyone else. Frankly meeting someone online is deceitful. But once you say you're unhappy it's difficult to take it back

[GirlAfraid23]

There is a saying "The grass is always greener on the other side." However, if you tend to your own lawn it can be just as green.

At the end of the day you're not married. If it's not working then you are free to leave. There's nothing worse than being with the wrong person. However, is it you that needs to spice things up a bit? It doesn't have to be drastic. But having dinner at a nice restaurant, preparing a special candle lit dinner, making something together. If it's really not working then sure, walk away. If you were happy you wouldn't look at anyone else. Frankly meeting someone online is deceitful. But once you say you're unhappy it's difficult to take it back

Do you think it's deceitful just to talk to someone online though? I'm not taking things any further and wouldn't until or if I broke off with my current relationship first.

I also think that everyone looks elsewhere at some point, no matter how good the relationship is.
The majority won't act on it, but it's human nature to look sometimes. Oh and I didn't go looking for this person online, I just started talking to them by chance as we have similar interests.
I always think about life and death and how short life is. I'm scared I'm going to be on my death bed with lots of regrets and I can't deal with that.

[PanchoGoz]

I don't quite understand why you would meet up with someone online you haven't met before? People usually do that for dates, and if you already have friends and a boyfriend I can't see the reasoning. Sorry to hone in on one point...

[GirlAfraid23]

I don't quite understand why you would meet up with someone online you haven't met before? People usually do that for dates, and if you already have friends and a boyfriend I can't see the reasoning. Sorry to hone in on one point...

I haven't met him.
And as we have a unique music taste in common, he asked me to go to a gig with him but not as a date.
I'm not going though.

Not everything is black and white anyway. And I don't think there is just ONE person for everyone, I feel you can meet lots of people in your lifetime and they can affect you.

[PanchoGoz]

Oh ok. "Meet" and "meet up" are so similar but so different! But then you say you feel things for him? But you haven't met him? I don't quite understand the online world.
I would be careful with things like that, if my boyfriend (imaginary) had seen me chatting away to a lad online about music I think it would worry him a little. Then he would act distant etc. When people start "acting distant" as I've heard so often before things are going down.
Very good post by Rach...she's right, you've said you're unhappy and that means...well you've said it! Your post does imply that you aren't happy with things, if that is exactly what's happening in your head. Only you know how you feel about a person, and I don't believe it is natural to look elsewhere in a happy relationship. You should always be attracted to your man.

[harasgenster]

Maybe it would help to explain what you think is so unrealistic? What is it that you want you think you can't have? I thought I was being unrealistic to expect certain things from my relationship so I stayed in it, but actually I should have expected more!

I was in a very similar situation until recently (although I hadn't met anyone else) and for us it was best for me to leave because things weren't going to change.

Relationships should be fun, though, regardless of how long they have been going on. If the fun is gone, then maybe consider what would make it fun again and talk to your boyfriend. In fact, if you haven't yet, I think it would be a great idea to talk to your boyfriend anyway! Tell him you've been concerned about the way the relationship is going, perhaps he is also feeling concerned, and maybe you can come up with ways together of improving things.

Or, if you'd rather just leave, well think about why you're doing it first. If you're doing it because you don't feel like you're getting what you need from your relationship and you don't think it's something that can be changed, that's the right reason.

Also, just to add, I don't think you've done anything wrong by speaking to other people online when you're not actually flirting with them or cheating. My ex has always spoken to other women online (just swapping jokes on Twitter, usually people he's never met) and although I don't have any friendships with people I've never met, I am of course friends with other men. It's important to be able to trust each other to talk to the opposite sex.

[Fishmanpa]

Do you think it's deceitful just to talk to someone online though? I'm not taking things any further and wouldn't until or if I broke off with my current relationship first.

If they're not aware of it then...Absolutely and without a doubt YES!

I also think that everyone looks elsewhere at some point, no matter how good the relationship is.

Not true!!!


The majority won't act on it, but it's human nature to look sometimes.

No it isn't!!


Oh and I didn't go looking for this person online, I just started talking to them by chance as we have similar interests. I always think about life and death and how short life is. I'm scared I'm going to be on my death bed with lots of regrets and I can't deal with that.

You're justifying your behavior.

If you're unhappy then break it off. It's the only "right" thing to do. I've been on the opposite end of infidelity several times in my life. There is nothing so painful and hurts more to the core of your heart than being cheated on. And straying from your S/O, even virtually, IS cheating! You've already done it in your mind. It hurts just as much to read an email or a chat conversation believe me!

Positive thoughts

[harasgenster]

Bit uncomfortable with this....can we remember that this person has not been unfaithful?

If there's one thing that perpetuates anxiety it's telling someone that they can have "wrong" thoughts.

She hasn't done anything wrong, she has noticed someone else and is wondering whether it's because her relationship is not going so well. It probably is because her relationship isn't great, but that doesn't mean it's not fixable. We're all human, and I think it is human to notice other options when your relationship starts to go stale. There are still two ways to go with this: either leaving the boyfriend or recognising there is something wrong and working on it until the relationship goes back to the way it was.

The OP did not suggest she was flirting with this person online or planning to have an affair. She is simply talking to him, she can't actually help if she starts to wonder whether she would be happier with a different person than the person she is with.

[Antonio2301]

It`s definitely NOT natural to look elsewhere .. I would find it very disrespectful in a relationship to start flirting about online or elsewhere with other women and meeting up behind their back .Yes that's coming from a male , we are not all the same as some women seem to think . I`d know it was time to call it a day if that happened and move on.

I`m a single man now (18 months) and free to meet who ever I want , would I meet up with a married women or a someone who has a partner even if I got close to them online ? NO !! You`re asking for trouble getting involved in this sort of thing online



Try as Rach posted to sort things out with your partner and get that spark in your relationship and don`t ruin for the sake off an online thing with someone you don`t even know If he knows you have a partner then he wants to have a bit of respect for himself and go find himself a single woman

I`m sorry to sound like this and you say it would only be a meet up as friends but you have both obviously grown close to each other online ,will it end there though ? It`s your decision though but just think twice about what your doing and hope you make the right decision

Ant

---------- Post added at 21:25 ---------- Previous post was at 20:54 ----------

Bit uncomfortable with this....can we remember that this person has not been unfaithful?

If there's one thing that perpetuates anxiety it's telling someone that they can have "wrong" thoughts.

She hasn't done anything wrong, she has noticed someone else and is wondering whether it's because her relationship is not going so well. It probably is because her relationship isn't great, but that doesn't mean it's not fixable. We're all human, and I think it is human to notice other options when your relationship starts to go stale. There are still two ways to go with this: either leaving the boyfriend or recognising there is something wrong and working on it until the relationship goes back to the way it was.

The OP did not suggest she was flirting with this person online or planning to have an affair. She is simply talking to him, she can't actually help if she starts to wonder whether she would be happier with a different person than the person she is with.

Ok fair point the OP didn't say she was flirting about or having an affair no but one thing can lead to another , however if you have to start questioning your relationship as to whether it would be happier with a different partner then its time to move on . If you're happy it wouldn`t even enter your head to start thinking about someone else .. ??