so I just woke up, slept for about 13 hours after the hellish experience that was yesterday.
I've been in therapy for a few months now, working with a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist. Together they've diagnosed me with, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, O.C.D, moderate depression, A.D.D. Each day is a struggle, I feel like I'm dying constantly, but everyone tells me I'm not.
So, through out counselling they've wanted to put me on medication, SSRI's, I've been wary, I didn't want to commit to the drug cause i had heard the first few weeks are horrible, plus I have a fear of medication. I won't even take a tylenol when I have a headache. But finally, some stuff happened in my personal life and this monday I began taking 25 mg of Zoloft.
Everything seemed okay, I had a bit heightened anxiety, some drowsiness, a bit of diarrhea, but nothing I couldn't handle. Yesterday I took my pill as normal and went to school (i'm in college). About 3 hours after I took my pill, while I was in class I began to feel a little restless, I have a history of drug use and it felt like I was coming up on E or some speed. Very nervous energy, kept moving around my jaw. I tried to ignore it but the feeling was becoming very intense.
As class ended, instead of taking the subway with my friends I called a cab to my school because I was feeling very ill with this speed/e feelings and I just wanted to be in my room. I get in the cab, tell him where to go, and we start driving. The feeling is becoming very intense now, I feel like I've drank like 30 coffees, I can't stop moving my arms, my heart is beating HARD, this isn't a typical panic attack, I want this feeling to stop. It felt like i could stroke out at any moment.
I tell my cabby to pull over and call an ambulance, its an emergency, he pulls over on busy street, right in front of a bus stop, so we're making a bit of a scene, busses are lined up behind us, honking. I'm freaking the **** out, screaming help me. I go outside, take off my jacket and throw it to the ground, people are staring, I've never felt so ****ed up in my life. the ambulance finally arrives, they take me in their truck, and check out my vitals. Everything is fine they said, except my heart is going a little fast. At this point though, somehow the feeling becomes even stronger and I'm burning up. They have me tied to the bed thing and I'm screaming I'm gonna die. I felt like I was on 20 ecstasy pills, without the fun. The ambulance took me to the hospital, without putting their sirens on because I "wasn't a emergency" we get there, and I'm having some sort of paranoid psychotic episode.
I'm on the bed, I'm screaming for help, the feeling like i'm dying is constant, my brain is going into overdrive. Will I always feel like this? Have I done some permanent damage? Most of the staff are unhelpful, I'm screaming help in the triage, looking crazy, and they're all staring at me like I'm crazy. One nurse is pointing at me, talking loudly saying "see all those movements he's making, its like he has O.C.D" she kept repeating it to her co workers like I was some ****ing zoo exhibit. They eventually call security because I couldn't keep still, they all wanted me to lie down but, how can I lie down, I'm DYING DAMNNIT.
Security comes and try to talk me down, one of them was named reeko, and he was a pretty cool dude. Telling me I wasn't going to die, the other guy was a complete dick. Acted like I was about to go psycho at any moment pull out a knife and start going at it on everyone. Everytime I'd sit up though, they'd push me back down. I waited in that triage for an hour and half and it was exactly what hell would feel like. If you've ever seen requiem for a dream, I felt like the mother at the end of that movie, completely lost it due to prescription drugs, looked at me like I'm insane.
Finally I get into the emergency room, still feel like I'm burning up, still feel like I'm dying. They hook me up to some saline, take some vitals again, eveyrthing is fine. I'm starting to feel more myself, but the feeling of being on a mass amount of drugs still remains. They put me in a glass room so they can see me, have a security guard outside my room (after they searched all my things mind you) and I begin to wait. The doctor finally comes, gives me some ativan, and what a relief it was. Finally I felt a bit normal. I napped until they said I could leave, and that my bloodwork was fine. took a cab and came home.
I was exhausted and just passed out then and there, and as I write this I'm still exhausted. Now is the time I'm suppose to take the zoloft, but screw that. I'm not going through that again. I don't know what to do though. I can't take medications like that, and I can't take feeling like I do forever. I will never get better. and that scares me. I don't know what to do.
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