Hullo,
My name is Jon and I'm falling apart. I'm not depressed I just want to press the pause button on life, I want to hide out and just do nothing.
I have often felt like thir thoughout my life (inc at school) but the last two months have been the worst/and or had the greatest impact on my life.
I didn't make it into work again today, and don't think I can manage tomorrow either. I will feel even more isolated on Monday, so I know I will have to resign (as they have been so patient with me of late). I simply can't face the thought of seeing them all and feeling guilty at being out of the office.
I did have a fortnight away less than a month ago and for the 1st time in my life I went to the GP for help with my head. He referred me to a psycologist and we've had 3 sessions, after which I took the decision to go back to work as at the time I thought it was the only way to get back to being sane.
I was briefly elated the 1st day, and excited in being back in the real world and feeling confident and happy, but as the days progressed I was having to fight harder and harder with myself just to get to the work car park, and then to the door and finally to my desk.
Anyway, I didn't go in today and am resigned to never holding down a proper office job again.
Its a shame as prior to this full time job I have spent the last three years working part time to try and get the work life balance thing right but ultimately spending time away from people makes me worse, so thought f/t was right for me.
Trouble is when I'm feeling like this all I want to do is hide - which in turn probably makes it wosre, even tho right now it is all I could dream for.
Anyway, I'll stop babbling. I have another session with the shrink guy on Monday.
It is interesting to read other people's post but I can't help but feel different. I don't want to start again with the "head training/coaching" and to eventually after much much hard work to get better. I think I'm essentially happy (or as happy as I ever am) just hiding.
The last 8 days of fighting to get into work have felt like a real slog, like I have been banging my head against a brick wall until it is bloody and mushy.
I can't keep doing this to myself, I don't have the energy and it will surely make me depressed and even suicidal.
Just wish I could win the lottery and then maybe I could hide successfully forever!
Anywho, that's my mad introduction. Will no doubt write some more once I get the sack and once the shrink has told me his thoughts...
TTFN and best of lcuk to everyone that is made of sterner stuff than me :-)
Jon
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