Feel so desperate :(

[pink]

Hi everyone
I have posted before, but not for quite a while. I really didn't know where to post this,I just really need some one to talk to. The last few years have been really hard. I'm 38 and married. I'm desperate for a baby,and after 5 ivf attempts in 2011 I got pregnant,I developed a deep vein thrombosis in pregnancy and at 13 weeks lost my angel. The blood clot is now chronic and I've got to stay on warfarin for the rest of my life. I've worked for the last 6 1/2 years as a police community support officer but last year my employers decided I wasn't fit to do my job anymore and I was redeployed into another role. My only family is my mum,who is everything to me. She's been I'll all my life but for the last year she's been deteriorating,everyday I ring her up and she's in so much pain and feeling down. It's killing me as I'm all she's got, she needs an op done to remove a large kidney stone and may end up loosing a kidney,I'm so scared,I can't loose her. I now spend 3 hours travelling a day to and from work so I struggle to see her and when I do I'm so tired,it all feels too much. Last year I went to my doctors in tears and was diagnosed with ocd,I started to see a counsellor but in my new role they won't let me have time for medical appointments unless I use my annual leave so I had to finish seeing him as I've run out of holiday time till April. The worst of the ocd is avoiding things I've used or done when my mums had a bad day and felt more poorly and I admit there are some things I avoid tht I'm ashamed of as they seem silly but when I saw the counsellor he laughed at me and I can't forget it; I think that's another reason I cancelled the appointments. My husband wants us to look into adoption but I'm so scared it'll go wrong to,I couldn't take it. I'm just so scared,and overwhelmed all the time. I've no one to talk to. I'm so so sorry for the long story, it just all feels really lonely and too much xxxx

[cloudbusting]

Hi Pink

I'm so sorry to hear about all of your worries and concerns right now. You must feel like you can't stop to draw breath.

I don't think I can be much help, but I just wanted to ask what you do for yourself that brings you comfort and relaxation ?

My sister had kidney stones a few years ago and ended up having a kidney removed. She was in terrible pain too, like your mum. It was a huge relief when she had the op and now she's fit and well again. Does your mum have a date for her op ?

No wonder you were put off by your counsellor ! That was a terrible thing to do to laugh at you like that. You do sometimes have to 'shop around' until you find one that you like and feel comfortable with. Was this for CBT ? There are some excellent online courses you can try at home that could help. One I have used in the past is Live Life To The Full.

I don't know, but I am sure that you get a lot of support and advice throughout the adoption process and there is a big push now for new adoptive parents to get in touch with agencies - I wish you all the luck in the world with it.

Lisa x

[Oosh]

Don't apologise ! Write it all in here and we'll help you work through it.
You're going through a lot there. It's not surprising you need someone to talk to.

Don't be too harsh on your doc. I think he was probably just trying to help and wasn't very good at it.

I've looked around on the internet about kidney problems and I think your mum sounds like she's going to be ok after the kidney stone is seen too.
I know its hard at the moment but try and remember that and stay positive.
Your mums not going anywhere. She'll be there with you for a good while yet.

Your job sounds like it's very inconvenient at the moment though.
Can't they move you closer to her ?
Is there a future in it now they've changed your role ?

I do that thing too where you avoid things after they've occurred around a bad experience.
It's an association thing and is built into us. Humans have a need to make sense of and control things and so associate things.
I do it with food and mood. Good spell - eat the same foods. Bad spell avoid the foods etc
Sports people do it obsessively too. Good day - wear the same footwear and put socks on in same order and listen to same song etc etc
I think you're quite normal to be doing it too regarding your mums good and bad days. Just remember what it actually is. Keep doing it if it helps. But remember what it is.

It's a shame you can't make changes to be close to her whilst all of this is going on.

What scares you about adoption ? Why don't you write a list of all the things that could go RIGHT with adopting.
We're back to associations. At the moment you think adoption and nightmare scenarios play in your mind. Well play nice scenarios instead. Make it a habit.
We can get into the habit of seeing the worst. It becomes a habit.
It takes practice but you can train your mind to calm you down and think of more positive outcomes. You get what you're looking for.

Hope something in there helps

[pink]

Hi cloudbusting & oosh
Just wanted to thank you both so much,am writing this on the bus on my way home from work and am in tears. Your kind words mean so so much. Just spoke to my mum and she's been to doctors again,her hearts beating irregularly now and she's having really bad breathlessness. They don't know what's causing it. She said she just doesn't feel up to having the operation till she feels better,she's so scared. The kidney stone is a rare one that grows to fill the kidney and she's living on antibiotics for the pain.
I'm no help at all, I ring her every dinner,tea time and night and see her 1-2 a week and every Saturday and Sunday. Whenever I talk to her though I'm praying she doesn't feel too bad, I just can't seem to cope with it. My husband says I'm no help to her at all. Again I'm so sorry, it's just I've no one at all to talk to. Thankyou again for your lovely words and advice xxxxxxx

[Oosh]

Hiya again

Have you yourself spoken to the people treating your mum ?
I've just read up on the kidney stone you describe and it says this type of stone , a staghorn stone, requires removal. The antibiotics will most likely be to prevent infection.
I'm no doctor so that's as far as I can go.

I think you're a great help to your mum. You care about her deeply, worry about her constantly, see and talk to her as much as you can and would see her more if that was in anyway possible. I think the only other thing I'd do would be to talk with the people treating her and ask them what THEY advise in order to get your mum the best possible treatment. You know what mums are like, putting everyone first and insisting they're ok. If you haven't already, find out what their course of action is and try to make sure your mum stays on that. At least then you know she's in good hands.

If it's just her doctor who's treating her then go with her and hear for yourself what he recommends.
Cry all the way through if you like ! Don't care about keeping it together or not !

I talk to my mum almost everyday and would be exactly the same.

You've got a lot on your plate. Try and stay in a solution orientated state of mind. One problem at a time. One problem. Work through it constructively. Work out your plan of action. File it away. When you think of it, think of your plan of action. Next problem - same process. Otherwise it'll all go around in your mind constantly and feel overwhelming.
When the plan of actions play out and you can put a line through it as solved. Until then at least you'll remember the plan of action which is a bit more constructive and useful than just flat out worrying.

Hang in there. I and am sure everyone here really feels for the situation you're in.