Tough start to the week

[NE21 worrier]

Well, this has certainly been a very difficult start of the week. I feel I'm heading backwards, back to the horrendous fear-adrenaline-fear cycle which resulted in me being highly sensitised almost all day in two months off work last year between April and June.

Today I woke up at 4am worrying about work. At 6am, I took Valium for the first time since last June though only 2mg as I was worried about taking any more as I knew I had to get up for work.

For those who do not know, I work in a contact centre for a government department and, at the moment, there seems to be a huge emphasis on statistics (i.e. call handling times, number of calls taken). There are various KPIs (key performance indicators), effectively targets which I struggle to meet. I can do this job (I think) but I'm genuinely just not quick enough at getting through the calls.

As I miss KPI with some regularity, I often feel (am made to feel?) a burden on the team and the department, lowering my confidence on the phone, thus making it harder to hit KPI again. Another horrible cycle. Eventually, at the end of today, I sent an email to my manager outlining my concerns - it read similar to what I've written here.

In better news, somehow I did manage to get through today, and the department is obviously already aware of my past issues with anxiety. No doubt tomorrow, there will be a meeting where I will be asked what they can do to help me. I'm a bit stumped by this questions because, as I say, I can do the job - just not quickly enough for their liking

For the first time in a long time, I have all the worst physical symptoms of anxiety (churning stomach, tight chest, lump in the throat, sweating profusely), and the mind chatter has been incessant as you can probably tell from this rambling post.

Listening to Claire Weekes has helped, and my rational mind knows what I feel is just flashes of adrenaline. But I feel so emotional and uptight again, as if I'm tipping off the edge

Peter x

[Annie0904]

It is unfair of your work place to put this pressure on you when they know about your anxiety. So many places seem to do this now, putting pressure on people. If there is a meeting tomorrow I hope it goes well. You know you are doing your best in the circumstances and hopefully your Manager will realise that and take some pressure of you.

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks Annie.

Kind words, as ever. I know I'm not helping myself but focusing on the issue but I'm still so physically sensitized off this morning. I've just tried a couple of cheese sandwiches and, heck, it was hard work getting them down due to the ol' lump in the throat

[Annie0904]

I am sure you manager will respect your honesty in telling him how you feel. don't beat yourself up over this. Eat little and often if you don't feel like you can eat. Take a diazepam at bedtime and it should help you sleep.

[NE21 worrier]

An update on this thread if I may:

I slept well last night though this was aided by 4mg of diazepam - I don't really like to use a benzo unless absolutely necessary - but wanted to guarantee a good night's rest (no nighttime waking) so that I could head into work and talk through my issues.

Met with my manager who said she was aware of my issues with KPIs and the added stress they bring, and that some of her comments to the team as a whole did not concern me (even if I cannot consistently hit KPI) as she is aware that I do consistently try my best.

Basically, she confirmed she had no concerns with my performance and a huge weight lifted instantly from my shoulders... or my stomach to be more precise as that is where my anxiety sits.

Deep breath, panic over. Note a couple of lessons:
(1) Try to analyse perceived criticism more rationally - don't make mountains out of molehills. This can be difficult to do for me because, as quite a sensitive person, I take a lot to heart. However, I should question if the criticism relates to me? If it does, is it fair? Is the person criticising willing to offer more explanation or possible solutions?
(2) Talk it out asap. Nothing was ever solved by bottling up feelings. Particularly if by bottling up worries/emotions, it is making you physically worse.

Ah, one day I'll learn...

Anyway, I ultimately had a particularly good day at work as I managed to get my shift for this Saturday swapped with someone else so that I can go to the Tyne-Wear Derby. I just hope that doesn't end up 0-3 again!

[Cú Chulainn]

Man to be honest I wouldn't even worry too much about worry I never meet my targets at work be caused 9 time out of 10 there just farfetched.
Its only something to strive for and a marker for them to watch your progress.
They know that and unless you're seriously under performing nothing will ever be done about it.
Chances are they trained you for far too long to fire you lol.
You did the right thing though going and have a talk with your superior.
Hope this helps.