Relationship OCD Pure OCD

[DarkSyn3rgy]

Hey everyone

I want to try and condense this as much as I can as I feel there are quite a few issues and I don't want this to look like a 100 page novel.

Last year was quite a difficult year myself and my husband, we had spent to previous couple of years preparing to start a family via surrogacy. Unfortunately right at the beginning of 2013 everything fell through and we had to start adapting to the strong likelihood that we wouldn't have children. Quite a painful thing. I also required surgery twice January through to March. At some point during the last couple of years I started drinking daily to make things seem less stressful.

Over the last 12 years I have been on and off antidepressants, I have had a few mental breakdowns. I was brought up in a mentally and physically (my dad hitting my mum) abusive home. On top of this my parents were practicing Jehovah's Witnesses which a large part of the religion is focused on Armageddon coming and wiping out 99% of people on the planet. Growing up gay in this environment led to my first big mental breakdown at age 20. I ended up in hospital and was forced to realise that being gay was ok.

A few years later I met my wonderful husband, he truly is my rock and I'm so lucky to have him. Over the years my mental breakdowns always take on a focus of things like the illuminati or something similar taking mankind over and killing people off. I don't doubt that this is largely due to my JW upbringing. I have mostly been able to push this fear away but it does linger from time to time.

Near the end of last year I started to realise my drinking was out of control and I needed to do something. I suddenly found out my father had died (I haven't seen him for years due to abuse) from my half sister I hadn't even met yet. My mother who I was in regular contact with found out and didn't think to tell me. She obviously felt guilty because when I contacted her about it she told me that she couldn't believe I wasn't over his death yet. (I had literally just found out 30 minutes before). Suffice to say she has her own issues with his death and that's fine but unfortunately she has decided to close down communication with me which was heartbreaking for me, like losing 2 parents in one day.

After all this I started having what I thought were signs of a heart attack several nights in a row which was terrifying. I knew the drinking needed to stop but I didn't know how. A few weeks later we suddenly lost our precious little chihuahua Pixel who was my pride and joy to cancer, he was only 7. A few nights after that I thought I was having a heart attack, so much so we called an ambulance. As you are all no doubt aware it turned out to only be a panic attack. That was enough for me, I stopped drinking then and there. After everything that had happened I kept thinking that I need to go to the doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants as I clearly wasn't coping very well. Unfortunately my fear of taking them again stopped me.

New Year's Eve came and we had no plans, we just wanted a quite night to see the new year in and be done with the horrible 2013. I sat down to watch and episode of Sex and the City with lunch. It was an episode where Carey and Big break up .. Then bang! My head says to me "Do you really love Chris?" This sent me into a full on panic. I have since been taking Pristiq for the last 6 weeks. Up until a few weeks ago I thought I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. But after researching these loss of feelings for my husband that comes and goes I read up about OCD which seems like I have been suffering from pure O all of my life. I have had my feelings for Chris leave before when I was suffer from my illuminati episodes but it was never the focus. It's absolutely heartbreaking!

I'm trying to find a psychologist that deals with OCD and is familiar with mental compulsions. Unfortunately it seems that so many are unaware of OCD that doesn't follow the stereotypical OCD guidelines. I have read The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD by Jon Hershfield which has been helpful. Although I have been trying some ERP and I am just feeling overwhelmed. When I'm feeling normal I am such a happy person, this has made me feel like that person is a stranger :(

If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I'm sorry this post ended up being so long.

[Shaznayhawkes]

Hello.
It sounds like you've had a really tough time. I'm sorry things have been so hard. I have ROCD and regularly have intrusive thoughts that I do not love my partner and I need to leave him. It is devastating. It stops me being able to function and affects everything.
Before I discovered ROCD I was terrified of talking this through with a counsellor because I believed that they would tell me I need to accept the feelings and face up to what was happening and I knew this wasn't right, or what I wanted! When I saw other people writing about their experiences with ROCD, I felt so relieved. Everything written could have been written by me, it was identical.
ROCD is lonely and causes you to rethink everything unnecessarily. It's like a mind bully. But you are not on your own and there are people here who understand exactly what it's like to question everything and to doubt yourself entirely.
These thoughts tend to be worse at times of stress, or worry. It's your body's response. I know this can be almost an impossible task but try not to give them too much power because it makes them stronger and the vicious circle continues.

Take care and I hope things improve for you