Romantically Lonely but Anxious About Relationships

[kutuup]

I often find myself very lonely in the romantic sense, and I often get down about having been single for so long. But when I do meet a girl I like and things go well, I get incredibly anxious, as in I'm literally terrified at times. There's a girl I have an on/off relationship with, and we get on very well. I adore her and cherish every moment we have together, but I also get extremely anxious about being in a relationship. It's like I can't just relax and enjoy it. I don't even know what I'm afraid of. I just get incredible anxiety when it comes to relationships. I feel like at 25 I shouldn't be feeling like this. It's like I know what I want, but I'm scared of what I want. I'm a very romantic person, but deep down I'm very afraid of romance and dating. It might come from personal experience, I've had bad relationships in the past, but I find it frustrating that I'm a very loving and caring person, but deep down I'm afraid of relationships. I don't know how I got this way, I never used to have an issue with it. I just feel deeply scared for some reason I have no explanation for. Has anyone else been through this? Is it weird for a guy to feel this way? Can anyone offer any advice?

[Oosh]

I find in relationships it's about confidence in who you are. Do you feel you have value, feel capable, feel worthy ? If you do, I see it like a see saw, if you feel inadequate with no worth your side drops and hers goes up. She's better than you, rejection is on the line, it's important, you have performance anxiety, you're numb, frozen, can't enjoy yourself or relax.

But if you are confident in yourself, feel you have value based on past evidence of success and positive thoughts on who you are, then your side of the see saw rises and hers comes down. She's not important anymore, she's just human like you, a person with flaws like you, the fears gone, you can relax, enjoy yourself and therefore feel yourself and be yourself. You stop watching yourself for mistakes, or to see if you look foolish, it's no longer that important, you care less, you've forgotten yourself, you're being yourself.

You've had some bad experiences. Your confidence is low.
Focus on what's valuable and good about who you are.
List your qualities.
You're a good person.
Loyal
Strong
Supportive
You can definitely be funny when you're relaxed
Lots of people have liked you
You're reasonably good looking

Imagine why a person might wake up and remember you and be happy that you're in the world.

You're quality. You're a catch. So you can relax.

I think you should make a move on that girl. Sounds like you get on great.

Id say good luck but you won't need it.

[Phuzella]

Very eloquently put Oosh

[PanchoGoz]

I love men but hate relationships...same sort of thing isn't it! I think I don't like having to have something else to think about in life, or maybe I just haven't met the right person.

[kutuup]

I have to thank Oosh for such a great response. Thanks so much for the confidence boost I think a lot of my problem is that I simply care too much, I'm a deeply caring and loving person, and I pride myself on that, but I think sometimes the coupling of my deep caring and my own lack of self confidence can be detrimental. I often find myself hurt by things that I hear, I was particularly hurt recently when I listened to a radio show where some radical feminist callers went on a rant about how it's "disgusting" that men's rights activists exist. I felt personally attacked. I have never once lifted a finger against a woman, I adore women and make every humanly possible effort to be as kind to them as I am to every human being I meet. I don't differentiate genders when I meet people, I extend the same kindness and respect to people regardless of gender. The fact that there are people who dislike me for being a man and wanting everyone to be treated with the same level of concern and care was pretty upsetting. Maybe I'm too soft, but I wouldn't change who I am for the world. I think I need to learn to stop beating myself up and be proud of being capable of the level of caring, love and respect that I am. I know there are many people who aren't. I suppose my biggest fear is failing to make a person happy. I think I'm scared that I will let someone down because of my own anxieties. I think I'm scared that other people will dislike me to the degree that I, deep down, dislike myself.

[SarahH]

I understand all of this.........

I am terrified of relationships...my fear is getting hurt. The emotions of love are also too fierce for my anxiety to cope with...so I avoid them. Its the fear of the unknown and being out of control of the situation (love)...........................

Sarah