Please help! What is happening to me!

[Spondoolicks]

This past week has been a nightmare. I had a gall bladder attack that was so painful that I thought may end my life. I was taken into hospital nearly two weeks ago and I stayed overnight and was discharged the next night. When I came home I still felt terrible and was advised that bed rest for a few days would be the best thing, which I did. My anxiety was bad enough before I went into hospital but since being up in my room for those days I have found it very difficult to be back in the throws of normal living. I spend so much time up in my room on my own. I fortunately have a great partner who is doing everything for the children and the house. I am having great difficulty in just existing. I cannot get back into everyday life, I spend most of the day lying on my bed trying to watch tv but even that doesn't go in. My thoughts are extreme, muddled and continual. Everything seems like it's going on around me and that I'm not able to take part. I try to get an hour in with the kids a day but even that is fraught with anxiety and I don't even feel like myself. I have spoken with an emergency doctor today and he is going to put in a recommendation to my doctor (who isn't a very good doctor) that I have a psychiatry appointment. The emergency doctor was very understanding. I am totally reliant on my partner and I cannot get out of the house. I only see my room as a safe place and that is why I think I have ended up here. I am not on meds as I'm phobic of side effects but I do have cbt starting on Thursday. I truly am starting to think there is something wrong with my brain as my thoughts are so all over the place. I used to be quite good at controlling my anxiety and followed advice given on here and by Clare weeks and Nothing works. I made good progress really. Now it's all gone by the wayside and even though I am revisiting these self help aids, nothing is going in because my mind is such a jumble. I'm finding it so hard to get even a moment to myself in between all that is going on in my head. Really hoping there is someone out there that can help to put my mind at ease and tell me that I'm not going to go mad. Also wondering if there is anyone that has been this bad and has made it through to feeling a little less anxious as I really need some reassurance. I'm dreading having to go through yet another morning of waking up to find these very powerful feelings there again. I would like to wake up and think ok I have anxiety instead of the madness that is happening. I need some reasoning and I know this is the only place I may find it.

[Annie0904]

I could have written your post myself over a year ago I probably have some posts quite similar. You are not going mad, I asked my doctor if I was going mad and he said "No, you are ill and you will get better" I did get better and you will too. Focus on any little positives that you do, even if it is just making it downstairs for an hour. My bed was my only place of safety too.
I took medication as my anxiety was so intense and I spent most of the days crying and shaking. I also had CBT and Intense Psychotherapy. I have since been abroad on holiday and I am doing part time work. There is light at the end of the tunnel

[Spondoolicks]

You have made me smile and cry at the same time. Thank you,thank you so much for your post Annie. I am so relieved that there is light at the end of this very long tunnel.

[Annie0904]

I thought I would never, ever get better, even told my husband I wished I could just die because I couldn't cope with how I was feeling. I am now so happy to be alive It hasn't been easy and I still get little blips but that is all they are. Accept that you have anxiety and believe that you will get better. Just take little baby steps, set yourself little goals. Some days I would say "I am going to sit in the garden for half an hour" I might have sat out there and cried but I did it...I achieved something! Please feel free to contact me any time x

[Spondoolicks]

Bless you, you are a lovely lady. I have been having a read of your old threads(I hope you don't mind). You have fought a very courageous battle with the demons. It's very therapeutic for me to read that I'm not alone with this.
I am off work at the moment but I would love to get back. I am a house mentor in a secondary academy. I work with some fantastic 11-16 year olds mostly pastorally but also academic. They have been my own therapy for many years. Helping them has helped me. Before that posting I was a special needs T.A in the same school. I miss being at work so much. I was hoping to do a fazed return after half term but this gall bladder problem has put that to rest as I now have to wait for the op and it has made my anxiety a thousand times worse.
I only hope that I can sort myself through this horror. It's horrible I have the anxiety and scary thoughts all day. I not sure what I'm feeling is derealization but I don't like it. It's terrifying. I had to call the doctor because I had visions of throwing myself out the bedroom window :( wouldn't mind but I'm terrified of heights. The doctor at the emergency service was fantastic very understanding and stayed on the phone to me for ages.
I feel a bit better from the anxiety tonight just to give way to terrible gall bladder pains. I had to go back to A&E yesterday because of the pain. I was released the same night thank God and told to take my painkillers. Which I still haven't . I will give it an hour and see if it calms down.

[Annie0904]

I was an LSA in a Secondary School. I left early last year due to my anxiety getting worse after my accident (falling off a ladder!). I am now teaching literacy part time and I am also a Holistic Therapist so do a few treatments each week to keep me busy as well as selling Avon.
I don't mind you reading my threads at all and hope they help you.
I had my gall bladder removed about 12 years. It was done by keyhole surgery. I had a lot of pain from it before then.

[Spondoolicks]

I'm having mine done keyhole I hope but I'm terrified at this as well lol. It will be my first G.A and operate you go home the same day. I'm not good with pain since my anxiety started up again it makes me panic. I've always been a tough cookie up until now I've had 7 children drug free. Nothing tops that gall bladder attack pain. I also had pancreatitis. Think I'm going to ask the surgeon if I can stay in overnight just for reassurance. I've read so many bad things about people having their gall bladder removed, still getting pain and disastrous stomach complications afterwards but I do know some ladies that have had it done and they have never had any problems. I know it has to come out as I'm in pain with it a lot and I never want to have another attack again. I have little ones every night but them big attacks when stones pass are what nightmares are made of.

---------- Post added at 21:17 ---------- Previous post was at 21:08 ----------

Holistic therapy is amazing. I had PND 15 years ago (think that's where my anxiety history started) I had auricular acupuncture, cranial osteopathy, grounding therapy, cbt, reiki and visual therapy. No meds again and I recovered within 9 months. It was a life saver back then and I would do it all again apart from the fact that I got it all free when I lived in London. I'm now in Nottingham and I think I would have to rob a bank or win the lottery to be able to do it all again.
I'm worried that I will have to leave my job because of anxiety but my employer is being understanding at the moment. I'm also with occ health and keeping them informed, but understanding that they won't hang on forever. I would hate to have to leave my students. They are a good incentive to get better. Would love to be back for prom.

[Annie0904]

I have had GA about 8 times now, it worried me at first but now I just think, at least I will get a good sleep The worst part about having my gall bladder removed was the terrible wind for a few days after. The pain from the wind was awful. Get some windeez or baby gripe water, Walking around helps to relieve it too
I miss a lot of my students but I have some nice new ones too and some of the old ones have kept in contact with me.

[Spondoolicks]

Ha ha I better warn the boys. Nothing like a bit of wind to start little boys off Brilliant tip baby gripe water never thought of that. I'm looking forward to being able to eat again. I've lost 2 stone so far.

[Annie0904]

Haha yes they would be entertained by that
Is that your cat on your picture? I love cats, I have a Silver Bengal and a Siamese Seal point.