Existential Episodes

[Wintear]

Ever since my GAD has amplified and gotten much more prominent and worse roughly three months ago, my diet/appetite has spiraled, my body (inside and out) is so hypersensitive about EVERYTHING it feels, and my mental function just hasn't been quite the same.

I look at the people around me, the places around me, the objects around me, etc - and they don't appear to be "real," whatever that even is. Life it's self feels like a vivid dream or the idea/creation of somebody/something else entirely. I keep thinking "what if this Life is merely an illusion and NOTHING is ever truly real?" What if this physical realm is simply a product of our imagination (or, again, someone/something else's) and nothing more?

As the days go by, I find less of a purpose in everything. I seem to not want to contribute in the world as I view it as meaningless considering one day, we all eventually die anyways. I'm not suicidal and I have never self-harmed before, nor will I ever. So, don't get the wrong idea or misinterpret what I'm trying to convey here.

It's such a foreign feeling to experience, yet at the same time, it feels so familiar. I sometimes just go along with it. I figure it's less of a hassle that way. This always brings me to ponder the existence of God or a Creator. I want to believe that there is a watchful presence guiding us and our individual Lives in some divine and purposeful way. To think we all just exist for a flash of a moment then disappear into absolute nothingness is a rather depressing thought to wrestle with. If that's the case, then once again, WHAT is the point?

I feel more in tuned and connected when I watch certain documentaries about the Universe before I drift off to sleep at night, come to think of it. Something about learning about the cosmos that are far beyond our intellectual grasp (and probably will forever be..) sparks a sort of desire and indescribable gut-feeling inside of me. Something "clicks" and I feel like I belong to the Universe and it's infinite vastness.

Am I making any sense to anybody here, or am I the only one going through these paces?

Also, I find myself hoping with all of my heart that I'll have a good dream every night before I fall asleep because as of late, I have a strong preference to live inside my little dream-world and completely neglect reality.

Any similar stories/experiences? I'd love it if someone were to be able to genuinely relate to me...

[inCOGnito]

Ever since my GAD has amplified and gotten much more prominent and worse roughly three months ago, my diet/appetite has spiraled, my body (inside and out) is so hypersensitive about EVERYTHING it feels, and my mental function just hasn't been quite the same.

I look at the people around me, the places around me, the objects around me, etc - and they don't appear to be "real," whatever that even is. Life it's self feels like a vivid dream or the idea/creation of somebody/something else entirely. I keep thinking "what if this Life is merely an illusion and NOTHING is ever truly real?" What if this physical realm is simply a product of our imagination (or, again, someone/something else's) and nothing more?

As the days go by, I find less of a purpose in everything. I seem to not want to contribute in the world as I view it as meaningless considering one day, we all eventually die anyways. I'm not suicidal and I have never self-harmed before, nor will I ever. So, don't get the wrong idea or misinterpret what I'm trying to convey here.

It's such a foreign feeling to experience, yet at the same time, it feels so familiar. I sometimes just go along with it. I figure it's less of a hassle that way. This always brings me to ponder the existence of God or a Creator. I want to believe that there is a watchful presence guiding us and our individual Lives in some divine and purposeful way. To think we all just exist for a flash of a moment then disappear into absolute nothingness is a rather depressing thought to wrestle with. If that's the case, then once again, WHAT is the point?

I feel more in tuned and connected when I watch certain documentaries about the Universe before I drift off to sleep at night, come to think of it. Something about learning about the cosmos that are far beyond our intellectual grasp (and probably will forever be..) sparks a sort of desire and indescribable gut-feeling inside of me. Something "clicks" and I feel like I belong to the Universe and it's infinite vastness.

Am I making any sense to anybody here, or am I the only one going through these paces?

Also, I find myself hoping with all of my heart that I'll have a good dream every night before I fall asleep because as of late, I have a strong preference to live inside my little dream-world and completely neglect reality.

Any similar stories/experiences? I'd love it if someone were to be able to genuinely relate to me...

There is much I would like to say and in the beginning I would have no hesitation at all. But these kinds of things can be both liberating and scary too. The mind is the problem. Always trying to interpret, to judge, to solve, to make sense of, and to control. Truth is you are right. The mind is limited and that's what scares it. Mind thinks it's a separate little entity in the vastness of the universe and that scares it. It feels constantly threatened by all the perceived threats out there. Especially things it cannot solve and control like death.

Something "clicks" and I feel like I belong to the Universe and it's infinite vastness.

How do you feel about this statement.

Something "clicks" and I know I AM the Universe and I AM the infinite vastness.