'Forgiveness is the key to unhappiness' apparently

[Rennie1989]

Hiya

So whilst the fatigue, silly appetite and general weakness of depression has passed the self-damming thoughts still remain. I cannot perform a task, or walk down the street, without my head conjuring up thoughts about how useless and pathetic I am. It can get very strong but I just need to remember to divert my thoughts to something more positive, but it's hard when these thoughts are things that my own dad has told me.

My father and I fell out in January when my husband and I moved down and I am still too angry to talk to him. He nit-picks at me constantly, which gets more and more frustrating over time, and accuses me of lying or doing things that are not true. It began when I was a teenager and it has only got worse. What makes it horrible is that my mum lets it happen and my family believe we just clash.

It's not that we clash, it's because he's made mistakes that any parent would feel crap for. As a young child he used to scream at me so loud and for so long I remember trembling with fear. I would lock myself in my room and when I heard him walk past it would terrify me, more so when he would burst into my room and give me round two. No matter the weather, whether it was pouring it down with rain or the streets are covered in ice I was made to walk to school, yet he would drive my brother to school out of whim. I needed an ECG at a hospital and he refused to take me because it was 'too expensive to drive', even though I could barely afford the bus fair myself.

It got massively worse when I turned 18. I collapsed off a bus and I called him for help. I was in a full body cramp from a panic attack. When he arrived (baring in mind there was people around, including two police officers) he shouted at me, telling me I was stupid for acting like this and for making him leave my brother alone at home. When I was 19 I fell pregnant with my abusers baby and he kicked me out of the house, refusing to speak to me, and he knew full well what this man was like to me. I had to beg my mum to let me home because I couldn't cope with the abuse. I never felt so frightened, so alone and so ABANDONED. At 21 I tried to commit suicide and when I was brought home he told me that he did not understand and never would. I can't even explain how that made me feel, but certainly not worth the life that I couldn't manage to stop. At 23, as I was about to meet my aunt for the first time, he told her that I was a difficult teenager and to feel sorry for him. I never had detention, never got in trouble with the police... I still can't fathom how I was a bad teen.

People know bits of the above but not the extent. It rips my heart apart that a father treats a child like this, more so for my mother to just sit there and let it happen AND the family thinking I instigate it. I have no idea what to do, I don't know whether to write him a letter, tell him to his face, explain to the family what he's like or what. No matter what I still believe the family won't believe me or think I'm making it up or making it worse then it is. I need to do something for these thoughts to stop - I can't get depressed again!

[Oosh]

I dont know whether its forgiveness as much as acceptance that some people in this world, even our family, friends are FAAAAAAAAAAAAR from perfect, as are we. FAAAAAAAAR from perfect being a polite understatement in your case. (meaning your dad not you hehe)

I know how you feel. Ive had a troubled relationship with my dad too.
As i started to fall apart at 15 and become a socially anxious, depressed, insecure "shut in" in my bedroom he took to slipping notes underneath my door telling me i was a pig and asking why i couldnt be a real son. I was met with anger, criticism and disgust whenever i passed him in the house and at 16 he broke my jaw in two places. Thats when i moved out.

Like you he filled my mums head with his thoughts and she mostly ended up taking his point of view of me.
My mum suffered with anxiety and seems i became the excuse and the vent for all of her anxiety and unhappiness so when i needed their help desperately i just found them abandoning me.

Ive rebuilt the relationship with my mum over the years. She accepts the truth about what was going on with me then.
My dad is still annoying. He tries a bit but i know its a thin veneer and the real him will come out if we ever argue.

Im not perfect, mums not perfect, dads not perfect.
He still gets on my nerves ! He still makes me mad if i think about him. But i dont NEED anything emotional off him. I dont need anything from him.
I just see his faults, understand his rubbish prehistoric parenting skills, see who he is as a separate person and why he felt he had to be how he was.
Whatever that is at least i can see him and understand him as a REAL, human being, like everyone else, with clear and common faults.
He`s not dad who i need love and acceptance from. He`s a person, with faults. I dont really like him if im honest. In the same way as i might not like any other person once i get to know them.

I dont know if your dads ever gonna be capable of changing. I think you should care less and less as you get older. You leave the nest and live your own life, make your own relationships, learn from whats happened to you and be the person you want to be. Your pain points you in a direction and turns you into a type of person you may not have been had you not suffered that pain.
ie EVERYTHING OUR DADS NOT ! HAHA
empathic
sensitive to other peoples pain
and to have a strong desire to help people who are suffering like you were.

The whole experience can turn you into a better person because its a person YOU LIKE.

Id ignore your dad. Id look at your family members, identify who you think you have a chance of building positive rewarding one on one relations with.
Arrange to do things together one on one and develop a relationship/friendship where you can get to know them and THEM get to know you (the real you in the longrun).
Dont talk about your dad. Laugh it off and change subject. Your goal being to change their opinion of you to a positive one over time without screaming at them "IM NOT LIKE DAD SAYS".
Changing the opinions of the people AROUND your dad might work for you in the longrun as you may get very satisfying rewards seeing your dad surrounded by some people who actually feel positively about you.

When i was 16 i had a very very lonely,painful time. I lost everyone. I lost my ability to make relationships with anyone and had a lot of painful experiences.
I didnt know what was going on. I didnt know who to trust.
I now find myself trying to repair the pain of the past by being the person i needed then.
Be the person you need/needed when you were suffering to the people who are living it now.
Take your experiences of your suffering, your dads shortcomings and everyone elses and use it to be a better person and help people, help YOUR people.
And get emotional rewards, acceptance and recognition that youre a good, GREAT, loving, caring person from THEM and no longer need to want it from your dad.

Another thing is youll find that a lot of people who achieve great things do so because of pain in their past. It creates drive, motivation. For every person who grew up in some idyllic way there is someone who grew up in a painful situation. Growing up in a painful situation is not a recipe for failure. Lots of people have pain in their past so you are far from alone.

I think you should concentrate on building a beautiful life you love with people around you who love you and accept youre fantastic, caring and supportive and let THOSE other people look from the outside and see that with all of that around you, with evidence that people think highly of you, that those past opinions cannot have been right.

Youll develop the right attitude and grow past this. Youre a great person and everyone will see it because its true.

[Rennie1989]

Thank you for your reply, Oosh, sorry I haven't had a chance to reply back sooner.

I did fall into the fatal trap of saying to my mum 'Look, my flat is clean, unlike what Dad says about me' but I said that before reading your reply. I feel like I am constantly having to give evidence to prove against my father's judgments. I need to just live life and carry on not having to do that, if I have to prove anything then it's not worth my effort, because I should not have to prove anything.

For weeks now I seem to get really bad dreams moreorless every night on the theme of being stupid, weak and a failure. Flashbacks of past memories are still cropping up as well, which does knock me off my stride a bit. I keep positive, especially about my new job, college and my writing but the thoughts seem to keep coming nonetheless.

I am terribly sorry that you had an awful experience and I'm glad it's taught you to become a better person, as it has for me as well. Because of my father's awful views, attitude and behaviour I am non-judgmental, un-biased and empathetic. I view everybody as innocent until proven guilty and beautiful, because being judgmental, opinionated and racist is not needed in their already cruel world.

[Tanner40]

Rennie, I know exactly how you feel. I have always had a very contentious relationship with my Father. When my younger brother died on my eighth birthday, my father changed. He began to drink heavily and was a very angry man. I was generally the direction of his anger. My Mother sat back and let it occur for the most part. I think for more than half of my life, I tried to gain his approval. It took me many years of therapy to understand that I did not need his approval.
My two other brothers are so much younger than me thatbthey did not grow up with the same man. He has continued throughout his life to remain a drunk who just didn't drink any longer, stirring trouble amongst us.
Now he is very I'll and much of taking care of him has fallen on me. I don't know that I have forgiven him as he has never admitted any wrong doing nor said he was sorry. I have accepted that this is who he is and I will never change him. I know that he loves me but in the only way that he is capable of doing. It's not okay but it is what it is.

I don't try to talk to my brothers about him because it would only create hard feelings. We are not a very close family but that is of his own creation. I just make the best of what it is, as really what else can you do.