Hiya
So whilst the fatigue, silly appetite and general weakness of depression has passed the self-damming thoughts still remain. I cannot perform a task, or walk down the street, without my head conjuring up thoughts about how useless and pathetic I am. It can get very strong but I just need to remember to divert my thoughts to something more positive, but it's hard when these thoughts are things that my own dad has told me.
My father and I fell out in January when my husband and I moved down and I am still too angry to talk to him. He nit-picks at me constantly, which gets more and more frustrating over time, and accuses me of lying or doing things that are not true. It began when I was a teenager and it has only got worse. What makes it horrible is that my mum lets it happen and my family believe we just clash.
It's not that we clash, it's because he's made mistakes that any parent would feel crap for. As a young child he used to scream at me so loud and for so long I remember trembling with fear. I would lock myself in my room and when I heard him walk past it would terrify me, more so when he would burst into my room and give me round two. No matter the weather, whether it was pouring it down with rain or the streets are covered in ice I was made to walk to school, yet he would drive my brother to school out of whim. I needed an ECG at a hospital and he refused to take me because it was 'too expensive to drive', even though I could barely afford the bus fair myself.
It got massively worse when I turned 18. I collapsed off a bus and I called him for help. I was in a full body cramp from a panic attack. When he arrived (baring in mind there was people around, including two police officers) he shouted at me, telling me I was stupid for acting like this and for making him leave my brother alone at home. When I was 19 I fell pregnant with my abusers baby and he kicked me out of the house, refusing to speak to me, and he knew full well what this man was like to me. I had to beg my mum to let me home because I couldn't cope with the abuse. I never felt so frightened, so alone and so ABANDONED. At 21 I tried to commit suicide and when I was brought home he told me that he did not understand and never would. I can't even explain how that made me feel, but certainly not worth the life that I couldn't manage to stop. At 23, as I was about to meet my aunt for the first time, he told her that I was a difficult teenager and to feel sorry for him. I never had detention, never got in trouble with the police... I still can't fathom how I was a bad teen.
People know bits of the above but not the extent. It rips my heart apart that a father treats a child like this, more so for my mother to just sit there and let it happen AND the family thinking I instigate it. I have no idea what to do, I don't know whether to write him a letter, tell him to his face, explain to the family what he's like or what. No matter what I still believe the family won't believe me or think I'm making it up or making it worse then it is. I need to do something for these thoughts to stop - I can't get depressed again!