Hi guys & gals, i've been having a very tough time with trust in any romantic relationship, and I was hoping maybe one of you had been or heard of a similar situation and give me some feedback.
Let me start out with little background of my dating.
I was one of those slow bloomers, back in high school, never had a date the proverbial kid that everyone made fun of, been there done that, got a shirt.
Eventually, I worked a bit on my self-esteem and learned how to date successfully. Well at least better off then school.
The first girl I was romantic with, I was 18. She was 17 at the time. In a nutshell, she found someone else <which happens with kids> and I found out in the most terrible way. One night I called her, found out she was having a party at her house, of which I was obvlious too, and in my panic I went there and found her with another guy. I got over her a long time ago, even brings me a smile when I think of the first girl I was with, yeah I know im a hopeless romantic.
Now let me fast forward to the present, 15 years later. I met this girl a few years ago on the net, we became friends, companions, and I eventually moved 1000 miles to stay with her. Well, thats not exactly accurate, I went for a visit and must have forgot to get on the plane back
Well, I got out there to boston, I managed to pick up a job after a couple months, and we started to rent our own apartment. Well, I always had fears that I would screw up, the end result of my negative thinking led me to lose my job. I spent a year, until this last feb/march trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I couldn't so I retreated into a shell.
So, I just sat home all day, and obsessed over on-line games. over and over again.
Our relationship became strained, and heres a twist for you, I cheated on her. I met another woman, last november and we had a fling, It was just a terrible situation all around, and i'll spare you the grisly details.
So, I moved back home, where I am now, and I have accomplished exactly nothing in the last 8 months, wow time flies.
Cheating on her, its the first time i've ever cheated on anyone in my life, even though we were broken up when I fianlly met ths fling, I betrayed her trust. I've tried to sugar-coat it, but I have to face the consequences for my actions.
It set me into deep depression, losing someone who cared about me, and losing someone I thought I cared about <the fling> all within the space of 4 months, it was tough.
I always worry when Im in a relationship, that im not going to live up to my partners expectations and that manifests intop negative thought loops which leads me to try to control my relationships. Which inevitably drives them away from me. So its like the things I try to do to...reduce my fears actually do nothing but create real problems.
Well, some good news <I hope> we've been talking for the past week, and we're trying to work things out, can you imagine? I cheated on this woman, and shes willing to take me back. I'm feeling really guilty about what I did to her, and want to atone for it.
I think since I have been talking to her, It definately triggers anxiety in me. I have thought, geez, this girl must really love me, and all this stress has been rocking me. She says shes trying and I believe her when Im thinking rationally. When im in one of my loops, I tend to think she doesn't care about me, and the smallest thing, I blow all out of proportion, which in turn upsets her, and she is unable to talk to me. usually a couple of hours, or sometimes a day. Of course, when she does that, my negative thoughts go on overdrive till I can speak with her again.
I guess after this small book I just wrote, the opionion I'd like to get from you guys, I really want this to work, and maybe someone can give me advice on how to talk to her when Im feeling ocd/anxious/whatnot and not anger her. She told me I need to stop talking about her in a negative way and when I get that way it gives her a bad tension headache, and i'm working on it, but its hard
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