Hi all
I wanted to start a sort of journal about starting to take Citalopram. I hope it will be helpful for folks and it will be a good record for me of the ups and downs.
I was given the prescription for 10mgs of Citalopram back in January by my GP. I did what I reckon 80% of us do at first and left them on shelf at home, scared stiff to start them. Was I really that bad ? Was it 'giving in' to start meds ? What would they do to me ? My doctor warned me that I would feel worse until I started to feel better ... exactly what an already panicky person needs to hear (not).
So for four months we would regard each other suspiciously every time I passed The Shelf. I put them next to my Propranolol which I did take when I needed them (they are good stuff for a temp solution).
Emotionally I was just getting worse and worse. I became ill in March with a bad chest infection that just wiped me out for almost three weeks. The anxious feelings were overwhelming. I couldn't function, every day was a battle and I was often in tears of sadness and frustration at what I had become. This past weekend I decided that I had had enough. I had done CBT, relaxation, herbal supplements, walking as exercise ... this was bigger than I could cope with an it was time to call in the big guns.
Monday 14th April at around 9.00 am. I took the box, opened the lid and just swallowed the first tablet (handily marked Monday). It was a lovely day so I got the dog and we went off for a walk on the coastpath. Strolling along I felt really good. Lots of dog walkers and joggers saying hello and everyone in a good mood. Had I made a mistake ? How could anyone feel upset on a morning like this ? A man came ambling toward me, beaming away to himself. We exchanged hellos and he said, 'Isn't it a great day? I love being alive !' and he held his arms out as if to embrace the feeling. I chuckled, said something inane as a reply and turned to continue my walk ... and promptly burst into sobs. I sat on a bench to compose myself and thought, 'You've absolutely done the right thing for once.'
Two hours later and I am back at home having the most almighty adrenaline surges. It's as though a storm is raging through me, rattling my body, slamming and shaking every bit of me. Just like a panic attack, in fact. The difference this time, and this is the weird thing, is that I am getting comfort from knowing that it is the medication doing this to me. It hasn't come seemingly out of the blue but is due to something that I willingly took that will ultimately do me good and give me some peace. It's an excellent opportunity to use all of your CBT tools and positive thinking methods ... and it passes.
I have another two or three throughout the day but I cope.
Day Two. Woke at 4a.m but that's not unusual. Listened to my guided sleep meditation and managed to nod off again. Got up and felt good, all told. Popped out to the corner shop, took the dog for a short walk ... yep, not too bad at all. The anxiety kicked in late afternoon. It started with a feeling of restlessness and irritation - a bit like the pre-transformation scene in 'An American Werewolf London'. Then came 'The Storm'. I knew what to do this time. I rode it out, staying as calm as possible, I didn't lose it, kept breathing ... it passed. Just a couple of brief 'bursts' later but nothing that I couldn't handle. Good.
Day Three - Hmmm, not such a good start to the day. Didn't sleep at all well. Woke up hungry and wolfed down a sugary breakfast to take my tablet. Bad idea. It seemed to hit almost immediately and it was a mutha ! I didn't manage to compose myself as well through this one and so got some secondary panic. Who knows why ? Tiredness ? Hunger ? Or just one of those things ? It passed as they always do but I decided to ring my Dr out of desperation.
She was sympathetic but implored me to just keep going. Everything that I was feeling was normal and usual, not pleasant but nothing to worry about either. She did say that I could cut the pill in half an I k now that people do, but they are teeny tiny ... how do they manage ?! Anyway, I resolved to battle on. I had started now so I'll finishRest of the day was actually ok. I was a lazy bugger and flopped about on my bed but didn't stress about it. Small surge at teatime then all was calm.
Day Four (today). Ugh. Hardly any sleep at all. Got up at 5am in the end as I was starving. To be honest, I can cope with the adrenaline but I worry about the lack of an appetite. I have lost weight anyway since the beginning of the year, an I really did need to, but losing it in an 'unhealthy' way doesn't feel good. I dreamt for years of some miracle diet and now here I is - panic disorder. Cheers. Be careful what you wish for, huh ?
So I am up at 5.30 and cooking brown rice to have with fish. I would scoff this down usually ... half a forkful and I'm done :( I don't feel good, I start to worry and fret that I am damaging myself in some way. I know that my blood sugar must be low and that is contributing to the general feeling of 'cack'. I am also a tad worried as my husband went back to work today and so I am on my own with my daughter. She needs a lot of help as she is mildly disabled and he did a great job of looking after us both this week. We'll be ok.
So, here I am writing this now. Husband popped out before work to stock up on soup for me. I have eaten some yoghurt and melon and took my pill at 9am like a good girl.
Batten down the hatches ...
Reply With Quote
!
