Friend committed suicide and I need a hug

[GingerFish]

We were friends online and we had spoke for years. He stayed in Ireland and I stay in Scotland. We were the same age and me, him, my bf and his brother were all close for years. We spoke about everything under the sun and he helped me through a lot. We never got a chance to meet due to money difficulties and uni work etc but we were always talking. Last month, he went missing after a night out and everyone assumed he was just lying on a friends floor hungover as a 21 yr old would do but after he never came home, after a few days it became obvious something had happened. 19 days later, his body would found in a river near a power plant. I knew in my gut after a while he was dead but it still hit me like a tonne of bricks when I found out. He recently helped me through my panic attacks and what gets to me is he never told me he was going through some bad times too and I am sure you can imagine how that makes me feel. I'm also heartbroken I never got to meet him in person :( His family invited me and my bf over for the funeral but I didn't have a penny to my name :( I was truly honoured his family wanted me there though. I'm going over in June to see his family for a few days and then back over in March when they put up his headstone. I'm sorry for this rant, I just had to get it in writing if that makes sense?

[Oosh]

Sorry to hear you lost a good friend.

[SADnomore]

Hi, hunni ... So very sorry for your loss. I too have a wonderful friend I met online, but although we used to speak of it often, I have never had the money to go to her, and her health doesn't allow her to travel far. She is in the US deep south, and I am in Northern Canada. Each time she is hospitalized, especially if it's sudden and I've had to wait for her daughter to post on her FB what is going on, I get a sense of regret that I haven't somehow made it work to get to meet her in person, and wonder if this will be the time that she doesn't pull through. I have been on several vacations with my husband, but he isn't interested in going there, and I don't have much money of my own. I can just imagine how you feel, so guilty somehow that you didn't get to meet him, and I can relate that you were close to him just the same and feel the loss and grief of a good friend. By all means, hugs are in order ...
Marie

[MRS STRESS ED]

Gingerfish so so sorry to hear about your friend ,my friend also killed himself about 15 years ago ,and it has got easier to accept and cope with they might be gone but never forgotten god bless xx

[wabbit1]

Really sorry to hear that, it's a shame you never got to meet in person. It'll be good to see his family when you do get over. My aunt commit suicide a couple of years ago. I found it a strange sort of grief.

[GingerFish]

Yeah its a weird kind of grief I feel. I'm always heartbroken over it, every min of the day but there is also a whole other mix of emotions like one minute I feel guilty for being able to control my panics and receiving help from him and not being able to help him in return even though he never told me he was depressed or anything, then I feel angry at him for doing it, then acceptance because it was his choice, then deep regret because we never got to meet and about a million other feelings all at once :(

Never felt this with grief before but this is the onky grief I have experience thru suicide :(

[Edie]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry you can't make it for the funeral, but you may actually get more out of seeing his family in June as you will all be less shocked and more able to talk properly about your memories of him.

A suicide is so complicated to deal with, and feelings of guilt and anger are very normal - that doesn't mean you're to blame though. You were a good friend to him and he was the one who chose not to tell you how he was feeling - people who commit suicide generally don't want anyone to know what they're planning.

Sending you a massive hug

[celticlass62]

So sorry for your loss xxx

[Magic]

Sorry for your loss

[GingerFish]

Thanks everyone. Some days are better than others when grieving. Hugs back to everyone