my fathers ghost

[ade]

last week,riding home from work on my motorbike,i experienced an astonishing amount of back-dated grief.i remembered a hollow and lonely christmas as a little boy.my dad reluctantly took me to a santa
grotto and i got a rubbish present,which broke when i got it home.
i was about 6-8.it summed up the lonely canyon that existed between us and our father.i started to cry and boy! did i cry.then,the nightmare,
my father brutally rejecting me and telling me to f*** off.
he died in 1990 and through this grief i felt love and regret.but then after softening and reaching out to him,he appeared again in my dreams to crush any idea i may have that he loved me.in real life,he never ,ever said.i say it 10 times a day to my kids.
when i got home i had the familiar routine of violent crying followed by violent sickness and accompanying memories of the sexual abuse i suffered as a boy.it wasnt dad that abused me,but he was a violent drunk womaniser.i will never be unfaithful to my beloved wife.
so much sadness,i miss him,he was a sod but i wish he could meet my wife and beautiful children.
ty for your time
ade xxxxxx

[kate]

Oh Ade, what a sad story.

Are you receiving any councelling?

Kate x


"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[mooks]

oh ade
i sympathise....my father commited suicide last year....not only had he caused me so much pain over the last 15 years...the mess he left me too pick up was dreadful aswell....and the grief of someones suicide i cant beging to explain...
but my illness has reached boiling point due to that mixed emotion of anger towards him for all the pain and the missing him as well....
xxx

[Lynnann]

Hi Ade,

What a difficult experience to go through, it is amazing how these memories seem to come unbidden and how we survive! It is normal to love him even though he is a sod, a shame he never met your wife or beautiful children, maybe not. They will not have the emotional scars that you do from his behaviour.

Your attitude to your family is wonderful, they will feel loved and secure. My childhood was very bleak and cuddles and affection were rarely available. I sometimes think the verbal abuse was one of the worst aspect.

It took concentrated effort from me to make sure that my children did not have the same, I am so very glad when I look at them now that I did, as they are well balanced, confident and affectionate individuals. My son is 17 and still cuddles his mum!

Very best of wishes to you and your family,

Lynnann

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Ade,

I am amazed at how we humans survive the most horrendous childhoods. Of course you love your father, he was your father. It is too bad that children do not come with manuals to some parents that say to love, cuddle, protect them and be there for them always unconditionally, but sadly they don't. The good news is you learned from your father of what not to do and have apparently forgiven him. You have a huge heart and are very blessed to have a wife and family. I too would suggest counseling for you if you continue to have flashbacks that make you ill as these issues may be too difficult for you to handle on your own. The best of luck to you.

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"