Quitting drinking, Quitting Smoking. Left with myself.

[Modestaustin811]

I don't know how to start this.

My name's Austin. I have an anxiety and depression disorder of some kind. Been diagnosed with them all ocd, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, major depression. I've been dealing with these issues on off for the better part of 7 years now. I'm 23 at the moment and in school, living in a somewhat new city.

Right now i'm in a bad place, and I don't know what to do. I've quit drinking, I find after a night out the anxiety is just too bad for the following days after. It's been 2 and half weeks since my last night out. I'm losing friends because of this. I've quit smoking. I can't smoke, the smoking causes intense panic attacks, especially the first smoke of the day, my heart goes nuts, I feel like I'm dying. I've called many ambulances because of this.

I stopped smoking before, in February 2013 and I slipped into a pretty heavy depressive period. It was hell, I started smoking again this past october after meeting a girl who smoked. It got me back in the habit. I really liked this girl, I miss her. I miss her every day, but I said somethings to her because of my anxiety, and just ****ed it up. She was only in the city for an exhange, and now she's across the atlantic ocean. She won't speak to me and I'll never see her again.
I felt like smoking relieved a lot of my depression, I know it has anti depressant qualities. but my anxiety is just too bad when I'm smoking them. Constant worry of my health, constant fear of dying. So it's a catch 22 really. If I smoke, intense anxiety, little depression. If don't smoke little anxiety, intense depression. I don't know which ones better.

I'm sure a lot of you will recommend medication. I'm working with a mental health team here in Toronto. Back in january I tried out Zoloft. On the 5th day I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I have a history of drug use, and I felt like i was on a bad batch of MDMA or speed. Crazy 6 hour panic attack in a hospital where I had security guards holding me down cause I couldn't keep still. It was a pretty frightening experience. And trying medication again really ****ing scares me.

I'm just in a bad place. Constant fear of death, Constant fear of living. I could use some words of encouragement, or something. Just even reading all this is fine enough. It's good to let it out.

[xrachykinsx]

Hey hun

I can totally understand your problem. It does sound very catch 22! SRRI type antidepressant are notorious for increasing anxiety in the first few weeks, it seems cruel considering you take them to get better. I tried Citalopram first and it didn't work out for me, it caused me horrendous insomnia. 0 hours sleep in 5whole days- needless to say, it made my anxiety so much worse considering the reason I got anxious was because of insomnia in the first place!

I'm on a different type of antidepressant. It's not in the same group as SSRI types which are most commonly prescribed. You may have heard of it- it's caleld mirtazapine. It's a sedative one taken at night, and it just helps ever so slightly to get to sleep. I suffered with panic disorder, generalised anxiety and as a result of the constant anxiety..ended up with mild depression. I haven't had 1 panic attack since starting to take my medication and although it's been a bumpy up and down ride...I'm just starting to (i hope) come out the other side. It's worth looking into other medications as they are not all the same. I hope you get some lovely support from others on here, this forum has been so good for me xx