I haven't had a full blown panic attack for quite a while.

I don't feel as tense and as unreal physically. I don't feel totally grounded either though and I keep finding myself asking things like "what do I know that is totally real and safe? what is the world all about? why am i here? what am i made of?".

I'm hyper-vigilant and very aware of myself and the world around me. I did a first aid course yesterday and the constant references to death made me feel anxious. Today I visualised myself on the planet and imagined myself falling down the globe and that was quite unsettling.

Physically, I still don't feel quite right. I don't think I've EVER felt totally normal because I've always been a very tense person, but I feel like I'm maybe 70% compared to how I used to be. Although, on the flip side of that I'm so much more proactive, confident and mentally strong wierdly, so I'm joining in a lot more things, pushing myself and putting myself forward. It's just the way that my head physically feels and the way that I relate to my environment isn't quite right. I do feel a bit like I'm in a bubble. It's a bit like the knotted muscles in my body are also in my head. It does feel pretty tense in there.

I still think about death on a daily basis, althoughI don't feel as hysterical about it as i used to. I know that that is down to being depressed and chemically imbalanced. I really would love to be able to relax, to feel real, to feel confident and excited. I know that I do to an extent, but you can't really be happy when you're super uptight, can you?

I still have problems with my ego, with trusting my own judgement, with existentialism, with imagining that i will be here in 50 years time, with wanting to stop at home and do nothing, with being too hard on myself...I can consciously say that I've done really, really well. Not so long ago I passed my forklift truck license even though I had to take 3 beta blockers, 6 kalms and rescue remedy every day to get through it! I'm running a load of sports teams succesfully. I'm taking my FA football coaching course this week and hopefully I'll qualify tomorrow!! These are things that I would have had difficulty with when I was well, so I'm very, very pleased and proud of myself because I've had anxiety, panic attacks and depression for 4 years and it does effect me severely.

I just wish that it would go in subconsciously and that it would allow me to feel good about myself, because I still feel like I have got a lot of lost ground to make up and that the things that I'm doing are things that I should have done years ago!!

I am actually pretty excited about things. It's great that I've got back into sport after being good at it at school level, but not really doing much for about 15 years. I can't believe that I just dropped out of it..but then again, not that many of my school friends still play sports, so i shouldn't beat myself up too much. I'm finally making new friends through the football and it's great to go to the pub with mates. The coaching is exciting too because there's a structure there, which I'd find really, really helpful. If I decided to go all the way through it, it might take me about 5 years or something, but it's great to be developing skills in an area where there is a demand and where I've always had a keen interest. There seems to be so much support with workshops, conferences, learning, mentoring and the community are all really positive and enthusiastic.....I'm just trying to hold myself back from all or nothing thinking and being a perfectionist...thinking that if I don't get to level 5 I'm a failure and wanting to be the very best.

I'm flapping already about getting a coaching job and having to travel!!!! I think that the structure of how you develop as a coach will actually really help my recovery, because I'm likely to start of locally and going a little bit out of my area and then we might have matches or trips a bit further afield. I may then progress up and have games on the continent. I could then progress even further and have m