Lying?

[.Poppy.]

I have a major problem with lying. It's not so much that I do it because I want to be deviant, in fact I hate doing it, but I do it to skirt awkward situations. For example, I recently applied to three graduate schools and didn't get into any of them. However, the people at my work (which I am leaving soon) and my classmates were constantly asking me where I got in - so I lied and told them all I had gotten into a couple of places and that I was going to school somewhere else (since obviously I won't be in class with them). Sometimes I'll lie to my friends if I feel like they're not going to like the answer - I live in a house with roommates (who I am close with) but I go home to my parents house often because my pets live there. Sometimes they think I go home too often, so when I'm leaving I'll tell them I'm just running an errand and I'll be back later - which I am, but the lie is still there.

It's gotten to the point where I'll lie for silly reasons and I have to remind myself that I won't be judged or ridiculed for what I'm doing. For example, I will go into a locked bathroom to put my makeup on so that my roommates cannot walk in on me doing my makeup, and I'll then say I was using the restroom or just locked the door out of habit. There is NO reason for me to feel judged for something so simple, but I do, and need to do it privately and then make a lie up to cover the situation.

I think for me it has to do with a lower self-esteem and a need to avoid any sort of awkwardness. But who knows.

Does anyone else have this problem, or am I just some sort of sociopath?

[Edie]

I don't think you're a sociopath, or anything bad, as you're not telling lies to benefit yourself. All people tell lies to smooth over social situations, so what you're doing is a normal reaction, but the feelings you are reacting to do sound like you have low self-esteem and fear the judgement of others more than you need to. And then you sound like you also feel guilty for lying, which probably brings you down even more.

It's a difficult one to break. Are you receiving any therapy at all? This is definitely something worth working on with a therapist, and probably something that you can't fix without some support.

I hope you can find some support this. It sounds like you're struggling, and you deserve to feel better about yourself.