Do you like your therapist?

[monty]

(Originally posted this in the panic forum but probably more appropriate here!)

Hello everyone, I've been away from NMP for a long time but would really appreciate some advice.

Brief history of me- I'm 24 and have suffered with panic attacks and agoraphobia for just over 10 years.

I've recently started seeing a new psychotherapist (privately, the NHS couldn't offer me what I needed), I've had 4 sessions so far. I've previously had bad experience with CBT so was relieved to find she doesn't use it and am interested in trying the other approaches she suggests- sensorimotor psychotherapy and EMDR. However, I don't really find the therapist herself very easy to get on with. She seems quite cold and insincere. I don't expect a friendship, I understand it must be a professional relationship but at the moment I feel that she's not someone I can open up to.

So I'm wondering, how important is it that you like and get on with your therapist? In my case she is very well respected by her peers and seems to know her field, so I'm reluctant to give up. On the other hand I wanted someone who I was able to talk to and trust, and it doesn't feel like she will be that person.

Any opinions or advice are very welcome. Thank you :-)

[Paul H]

Hi there

I am a therapist, a hypno-psychotherapist. We're taught that there are three core conditions to being an effective therapist.

1. We must have empathy with the client's concerns. This doesn't mean that we weep along with them but we must be able to understand how they feel within their world-view.

2. We can demonstrate unconditional positive regard. This means that we view the client as being a perfectly valid person even if we dislike some of their attitudes or behaviours. If we dislike the client and cannot see them as being fundamentaly good then we cannot work well with them.

3. We must be congruent. This means that we are ourselves and don't assume a persona - that of the "therapist," "expert" or "sage." We must be true to ourselves.

If we can do these three things with a client then our chance of establishing a good rapport is secure.

Rapport, a good working relationship, is seen by humanistic models of psychotherapy as being of prime importance.

If you lack it from your side then your chances of opening up (as you do describe) and thus establishing an effective therapeutic relationship are compromised.

Now, you may, upon honest reflection, decide that your inability to open up with this therapist are due to your own issues. I don't know. They may be due to the therapist or simply due to neither. It may just be a mismatch.

In any case, I would advise you to be honest with yourself and then act upon your instincts. If you don't feel as if this relationship can develop - to your benefit - then it may be time to find a different therapist.

If you feel as if your relationship with your therapist is a mirror of your relationship with other people around you, it may be time to reflect upon your own means of relating to others and to stick with the therapist you have - in order to work through such issues.

You already know the answers to these questions, on one level of consciousness or another, and simply need to have the honest conversation with your own self in order to decide what is best for you.

I hope that ramble helps.

Best wishes

Paul.

[HalfJack]

Wow, thats really good advice ^^^^^.

I've had a few different therapists both nhs and private. The only time I felt into it was with the one (nhs) guy I actually liked. I think like is possibly the wrong word, but I felt comfortable talking to him and I felt like he took me seriously. Good luck with it all

[monty]

Thank you Paul and HalfJack.

I don't generally have trouble opening up to people I trust. Maybe I don't feel I can trust this therapist because I'm not completely comfortable with her... that could be something that develops in time I suppose

Would anyone else like to chip in? Many thanks!

[Paul H]

Hi there

You're more than welcome.

Before I went and trained to become a therapist I was a client. I am what is called a "wounded healer" because I have seen life through both sides of the therapeutic experience.

As a part of my training I had to undergo further therapy.

So, I have seen a good few therapists and the best advice I can give anyone is to choose someone with whom you feel comfortable.

The relationship between yourself and your therapist is the most important thing of all.

Trust your instincts.

Paul

[fduop]

Here in the state I live mental health isn't given much priority.(Which may answer a lot of questions.) From the first time I used a therapist 13+ years ago to the therapist I have today, the quality of service is gone down.
The sad but true part about my current therapist is she spent more time looking at her smartphone then she did me. But that little problem got fixed (remember, it's not what you know, but who you know). Believe it or not, I kept her as my therapist and with her new found attention. At least I have a sounding board for whatevers on my mind.
Most of my real care has come from the overworked psychiatrist I was assigned. He was the one that prescribed my current meds, which have worked well so far. And, he encourages my use of meditation and mindfulness as help in easing my worry and anxiety. When speaking to my therapist about meditation she looks a bit clueless, but she does make sure I see her put her phone in the desk drawer.