Ruining my marriage.

[selphie]

I am married to a really wonderful man. I suffer with anxiety, depression, and OCD, have done since i was 21 years of age i am now 37. Although i can go weeks, months years without it getting really bad, I still suffer from day to day with my nerves, that is something i can never change. I have health anxiety, and once i get a thought in my hard its so hard to get it out......

Since i have been with my husband ( nearly 11 years) i have kept it under control without meds ( I really do not know HOW i have done it, I really believe that its my husband who has done it..... hes such a happy go lucky man, hes a joker, always laughing, and worries about nothing ( god i wish i could be like this)... I think he keeps me sane..... Not saying i do not worry because that would be a lie, I still worry about things daily, but not to the point where it has become a problem.

I have 5 children 3 older children and 2 children by my husband who are 3 and a 9 year old.

Heres my dilema.... I have it in my head that my husband is having an affair, I really do not know what started this all off, and made me feel the way i do, but all i know its ruining me.... and i know its getting to my husband... I have asked him outright when he finished work one day, and he said NO i am not, and i just left it there.

I can remember it all started when my husband got a new job. He works at 4 and hes up by 3 in the morning and he works no later than 12 in the afternoon, and then hes home.

He has a Facebook account, I know the password, and he tells me i can look anytime, and i admit i have on many occasions, I cant help myself.... Nothing no messages, the only thing that i have had a problem with is hes getting friend requests from women he works with, and he wants to accept them, he has men requests too that he accepts, Of course i have no problem with that.... at first i kept telling him to decline them, and he got angry when i kicked off, telling me i was treating him like a child and i had no trust.... He was right, I did not trust it, so i told him to do what he wanted, so he did.

So i had to bite my tongue every time he got one, but stayed quiet as i did not want a row..... And from them i have this in my head hes having an affair.

He has a phone with an alarm that gets him up for work, then he takes it with him when he goes, and keeps it in his pocket.... well i have this feeling hes guarding it... so when he came in from work i just came out with it and said he was guarding it.... He took it straight out his told me to look all through it, I did and there was nothing!!!... I felt ashamed......

Couple of days later i made him swear on his mums grave that he would never leave me or cheat on me.... My older boys dad did and it ripped me apart... he did he said " I will never leave you, I am not going to cheat on you, and there is nobody else"... " I go to work and i come home" Its true he does, and he does not go out drinking or with friends... we have mutual friends so we go out together....

I even got up one morning and though his toothbrush had gone, I went downstairs and even checked to see his leather jacket had gone, I could not find it.... so i started crying.... I CRIED OVER THAT, i started panicking, was even going to ring up his work..... then i found it, the jacket had slipped down, SO I HUGGED IT...... again i feel so stupid and ashamed!!!.... I told him about it, he said it was amusing at first, but now its getting to much, and i have to stop thinking stupid things, as its all in my head.... Its doing my head in and him.... I told him i would stop, and i was just really paranoid, and i love him so much i just do not want to lose him..... he hugged me.

Again tho.... i went upstairs last night, thought i heard a noise like he was on the phone, went in and told him what i thought to find him changing channels, and that was all, he showed me his phone... under the pillow.... I said sorry and walked out.

Today i have woke up so sad, still worried, still thinking things. I think things like, maybe hes finishing early and going to a woman's house, and making out hes still working ( in the job hes in at the moment he can finish anytime between 8 and 12)..... then just saying hes working late.... he gives a lady a lift sometimes, but says not all the way just to a bridge, and she walks over.... shes married.... and will give a bloke a life every morning, and sometimes when hes finished.... I always ask if hes give anyone a life home... sometimes he says yes, and sometimes no.... I still do not believe him.

I just cant stop, I just think hes seeing someone... I am so sad, I know its stressing him out, but its stressing me out too.

I am 37 hes 59.... Maybe he thinks, hes had enough of me, and wants an older lady... all i know these thoughts are ruining my life, I just want to know for sure, I love him oh so very much, I really do not know what i would do without him.

I said tonight sometimes i think you do not care about the way i am feeling, he said just because i do not show it, does not mean i do not..... what do i do... how do i get these thoughts how my head??... how can i be sure?..... he keeps saying its me that is doing it, I am putting the thoughts in my head, seeing things that are not there.

I just needed to tell someone, get it all out..... I am failing my husband, and i am ruining my marriage xx

[FrogLover]

Dear Selphie,

I have been going thru this same thing for the last month, with the only difference that I am focusing on my wife's past, before we met. I have looked through her old letters, diaries, emails, looking for "proof" that she is still thinking about her old relationships. It's shameful and embarrassing to me.

I'm just some guy on the Internet who of course doesn't really know your situation, but this is what I have learned so far.

Talk, talk, talk. Here on this forum, to friends or relatives you can trust. An then, the hardest thing, if it fits your situation. I confessed fully to my lovely wife of 20 years that I had been raiding her stuff and looking at it. So difficult - she is the same woman that 1 year ago, or 2 months ago, I had had 20 years of a wonderful life with. She still loves me, and I am pretty darn sure we will get through this together.

No amount of reassurance or "full lack of proof" curbs OCD. That's just the bizarre way it is. Only time, therapy, and/or meds. All I can say, based purely on my own so far short-term experience, is that there is a pretty good, very good, chance your husband (still, as always) loves you very, very much, even though your brain will look for any excuse (age difference, whatever! anything it can find!) to make you doubt. That is the one thing I have learned so far in my struggle. This is a disease, like diabetes. The fact it's in your mind makes it so much harder to believe it can ever be resolved. But that's what it is and all it is. I have had medical scares with my wife, and this is just another one. It's hard, but we both understand it that way.

Not sure if this is helpful or just my own ramblings, but I do wish you all the best and keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[selphie]

Yes froglover, you have helped me very much. Thankyou very much for taking the time in replying to me.

I have been very honest with my husband, I have asked him outright, I have dropped hints, and every time he reassures me, tells me how much he loves me, I am fine for a little while and something else comes up, and i am off again.

I have 5 children who depend on me, so i am trying to keep it together for their sake.

I am so very tired of worrying....... Sometimes when he leaves for work at 3.30 in the morning i lie there sweating and worrying..... I finally drift off to sleep, and wake up when the alarm goes off the get my young ones up for school.... and an hour later i am tired through lack of sleep..... then the time comes for my husband to come home, and if hes late, I start to panic and my heart beats and i feel sick.

My husband tells me i am doing to myself, I am making myself feel like this, by reading things on the internet. He says i look at other peoples problems, and then think irrational things, and i think i am having the same problems by looking for things that are not there..

I like you, keep looking for proof, but find nothing. My husband says i can look, but i will never find anything, because there is nothing to find. Its really silly things, Like wanting his phone, or asking him questions over and over, and although he does not mind answering them, he has said that it will become a problem for us, and i am terrified, I do not want to push him away, all i want is to know for sure, but its just believing, and i am finding it really hard to do.

I love my husband, and my life so much, I have everything i have ever wanted, but what happens if one day its all taken away from me.

Nobody knows i am going through this, Only my husband, I am to ashamed to tell my friends, and embarrassed to tell my parents, I am not sure what they would think about it or, It would probably be a bolt out the blue for them.

You have been very helpful, Its really good to have a reply, and somebody to talk to about it, I feel so alone. xx

[swgrl09]

Hi Selphie, your stories remind me of how I was a few years ago ... I wish I could give you instructions on how I started learning how to trust my husband, but I honestly think it was just time and a LOT of heart to heart conversations with him about why I had so much trouble trusting, that the issue was NOT about him or his fidelity but was about me, etc. Maybe you can go to couples counseling together to find out what is triggering your distrustful part?

If it makes you feel any better ... back when I was not trusting my husband (for no real reason based on his own actions), I found a pair of women's pants in the wash and confronted him. I was SO upset, I thought I had found my proof, and we had a knock down, drag out fight over it. He kept saying they were MY pants and I was swearing up and down that they were not (even though they were my size).

He went away on a business trip the next day and I looked again ... they really were my pants. There was no doubt about it. I felt so embarrassed (I still won't admit to him that they were my pants lol!!) and ashamed and like a crazy person. But you know, we got through it. We have been to couples counseling a few times, and I have had lots of therapy. I really do trust him and don't worry about those things anymore.

[selphie]

Thanks swgrl09..... I just wish i knew what triggered me off. It had to be more than Facebook, cant believe i got like this just because a few woman at his work added him, their were lots of men, but of course i focused on the woman.

My husband has never really given me any reason not to trust him really, hes a great husband, and father, and he treat me very well, so he has no reason but it that still does not help stop my feelings.

Do you know the weird thing is, I have done something like you have stated, I saw a pair of knickers that i thought were not mine, but then realised i brought them as a set with a bra i had.... Good job i never confronted him on that. XX

[FrogLover]

Selphie,

In the month since this started, I've shared with maybe 6 or 7 people. I found that one woman went through intrusive thoughts during most of her teenage years, and a colleague whom I respect very much has had three episodes of recurring thoughts requiring meds and therapy. So I feel "less alone" in some ways - when you know your condition is not unique and others are making in through, it helps. Everyone has been generally supportive, and I think it takes pressure off my wife if I do talk to others. Anyway, I was surprised how well it went, and I recommend it highly. I wasn't sure how my sister would take this, for example, but she has been a stable source of support. I "alternate" talking to people, so as not to tire anyone out - we OCD people tend to say similar stuff over and over, and sometimes I laugh and directly say that to people I'm discussing my issues with.

One thing: do you ever have times when the "clouds lift" (what I call it) and the thoughts go away, for a few minutes or hours? I try to spend those times with my wife, walking, talking about hopes and the future, and, honestly, we use those times to demonstrate our intimacy in all ways and reinforce our love. If you have those times, make use of them, and you will discover the feelings that are still there and grow stronger together. At least that's my experience so far.

[selphie]

Selphie,

In the month since this started, I've shared with maybe 6 or 7 people. I found that one woman went through intrusive thoughts during most of her teenage years, and a colleague whom I respect very much has had three episodes of recurring thoughts requiring meds and therapy. So I feel "less alone" in some ways - when you know your condition is not unique and others are making in through, it helps. Everyone has been generally supportive, and I think it takes pressure off my wife if I do talk to others. Anyway, I was surprised how well it went, and I recommend it highly. I wasn't sure how my sister would take this, for example, but she has been a stable source of support. I "alternate" talking to people, so as not to tire anyone out - we OCD people tend to say similar stuff over and over, and sometimes I laugh and directly say that to people I'm discussing my issues with.

One thing: do you ever have times when the "clouds lift" (what I call it) and the thoughts go away, for a few minutes or hours? I try to spend those times with my wife, walking, talking about hopes and the future, and, honestly, we use those times to demonstrate our intimacy in all ways and reinforce our love. If you have those times, make use of them, and you will discover the feelings that are still there and grow stronger together. At least that's my experience so far.

This is the funny thing, I have many moments where the thoughts are gone, and its like nothing is wrong, and i am happy, and have positive thoughts, then all of a sudden something happens, something maybe my husband says a and BOOM they're back again, that cloud comes over, and i start doubting, and thinking things.

My hubby had to pop out yesterday to see his friend ( hes an alcoholic) he has bad legs so my husband gets things for him, if he need them.

My husband never said how long he would be, but time ticked by and i was panicking,,,,, when he came back, I said " two hours to see a friend who have you been with" he said that he had to go into town to get some items, and he stayed with his friend a while, as he gets lonely, and does not have many visitors..... I know that is true, as he only really has his daughter, but she had her own family too.

I mentioned had he met a woman he worked with, I said it jokingly, but i meant it, he told me i was weird... I could tell he was angry.

Later in the day, he said i might walk to town in the morning, and i shot him a look...... he knew what i was thinking, then he said no i wont.

I brought it up later, and he said i was going to walk as its going to be a nice day, He said, " you could have come with me if you do not trust me" i was going to take our little son as well, He said i cant believe your thinking all-sorts why do you get these things in your head.... I give you NO reason not to trust me.

Saturday, I had a melt down in the car, I started crying and calling him a cheater, He looked at me, and told me for god sake woman what are you talking about he was sooo angry.

Today tho, things have been good. He had a day off, and hes been cuddling me, telling me he loves me. I think hes only doing it because he feels sorry for me.

I shared a loving message on his wall on Facebook, I could tell he was chuffed by it. Sometimes i feel so awful, I know i am hard work, and i feel so bad for giving him a hard time... the thing is were very loving towards one another. We cuddle, we hug, and kiss and laugh a lot.... I cant believe i am acting this way. I have been normal today, no thoughts about him straying.... but i have admit, hes back at work in the morning.... he will get up, and i will start to get paranoid, and count the minutes till hes home.... i can already feel myself getting anxious xx

[Booboojenny]

How awful for you...I think you should talk to your doctor..I had OCD and 100% without a doubt thought I had a man living in my loft..I know it sounds ridiculous but our minds can play havock... I once walked around til 7 am carrying my baby and walking my toddler as I heard a noise and thought he was coming down from the loft...I had really bad OCD apparently I was using the man in the loft because I hated being alone as my husband had recently left me whilst I was pregnant.
My GP prescribed me Anafranil and the CPN visited me weekly.
You need help this is spiralling out of control, everything will be OK .this is know ones fault it is just OCD which can be treated....please go to your Doctor so you can enjoy your summer together...Good Luck keep posting

[FrogLover]

The details are the worst. One little thing. Anything. Said the wrong way, or at the wrong time, and the OCD brain will pick it up and run with it, and work that little detail finely into the quilt of irrational thought. The self-torture that composes OCD is beyond belief to me sometimes.

Well, I think some Chinese dude said if you understand yourself and understand your enemy, you will win every battle. So, that's what I'm trying to do, but the battle will be a long one before it's won.

I sometimes let myself break down with my wife when the "clouds are gone" and I am feeling good. Talk about all the irrationality and ridiculousness at a time when you are free of it. I've found this to be helpful and strengthening.

By the way, I have a daughter too. She is in hear early teens, and we keep her in the loop about this as much as we can. Not sure about the best approach for your younger kids. Just keep loving them.

[selphie]

i have spoken to the doctor many times, I think in the end they were tired of seeing me, at the end they just used to write as i spoke without even looking at me. I cant help it tho if i get scared.

Sometimes i wonder if they really understand what its like to have anxiety, and how horrible it really is. :(.

Not been too bad today, had a bit of paranoia this morning, but did go back to sleep.

I am going to really try tonight. My husband is sleeping at the moment as hes up early, but tonight i am going to cook him a really nice meal xx