So it has been a cow of a week. I am so damn exhausted. Like, bone deep weary. It’s 4 days since that massive random panic attack and it keeps flashing through my mind. My anxiety has been on guard constantly since then, and even having taken xanax daily it has not abated the internal stress. My lungs feel worn out. My heart feels worn out. My upper back and all across my chest the muscles feel worn out from the tension of being focused and ready for another attack. That is how General Anxiety Disorder wears me down.
Though I did not get a great sleep last night as I had to get up early today, it is coming up to midnight now and I am still not tired enough for bed, yet utterly exhaustively spent at the same time. Today was an outing day. Myself and Rick had to attend a bbq for the Compeer program that our friendship started from. It was only for the Western Sydney district members and so was not going to be as many people there as have been at the annual dinners we attended.
Rick was driving, of course, as my agoraphobia has taken that skillset off me for the time being. It is a bit hard to scoot down the freeway at 100k/h while gasping for breath and trying to crawl onto the back seat to lay down at the same time. My anxiety was peaking by the time we arrived there, a leisurely 30 minute drive from my place. With constant chatter and reassurances that I was ok from Rick, of course.
The event went well. They are all good people, some are not even annoying! But it takes a LOT of energy to socialise as some of you reading this may know. After about 3 hours it was time to head home, so farewells were exchanged, hands were shook, happy tidings wished and back to the car we went. The drive home was ok, just the anxiety giving me shit. I am so ****ing sick of not being able to feel ok. It sucks more than I can express with words.
But hey, another gathering of people away from my house and I survived. Sure, I have been maintaining a level of anxiety that no person should ever have to feel for just about all day. And I sit here now, typing this out while trying to breath normally and not feel like my heart is labouring to keep me alive just for one more day. So I guess I have to look at today as an achievement of sorts, no matter how drained it has made me. Agoraphobia is a bitch. Anxiety is it’s navigator. And Panic the co-pilot still in this existence I call life.
So so very tired physically, mentally running around in circles, paddling like a one legged duck on the inside. Monday I get to tell all this to the psych. Just gotta live til then. Stay upright folks.