Hey there,
I am new to this forum and in desperate need some support/hope/encouragement/advice.
Where do I start? A few years ago (I am now 33) I was diagnosed with a long term, physical health condition that deeply impacts all areas of my life (long story for a whole different forum) Before having this physical condition I was aware that I have a tendency towards depression and anxiety but it was more or less at a level I could cope with and through attending regular psychotherapy sessions over a long period of time I slowly learned to embrace my weirdness and accept that I was ‘different’ from most folk. However, nothing could prepare me for what was to come - getting physically ill, which has ultimately led to higher anxiety, panic attacks and major depression.
Rewind to 3ish years ago - trying to cope with my chronic physical condition along with parenting my then 2 year old son began to take its toll and it wasn’t long before I was on a road to no where - fast. Dealing with constant, chronic pain put my fight ot flight mode on red alert and things got ugly. I had (and still do have) an amazingly supportive partner but I knew I needed some more help before things got any worse so I went to my GP. He prescribed Sertraline. Within days of taking it I started to experience severe panic attacks. A door, that led to a terrifying place had been opened in my mind and I knew then that it would probably never close. Experiencing this level of panic is a life changer for sure. I stopped the Sertraline. My GP gave me Diazepam to help me until the meds cleared from my system. Things calmed but I still needed help. At this point, after years of regular therapy I stopped going to my counselling sessions as I felt in my gut that they were no longer helping me, if anything it was starting to make me feel worse. I needed something else to drag me out of the hole. Round 2 - I was then prescribed Fluoxetine. Same thing. Terrifying panic attacks. There was no way I could carry on taking these meds, especially with a little one to take care of. Again with the help of Diazepam I came off the Fluouexetine. Round 3 - Then I tried Amitriptyline, same thing again. I felt helpless. In the meantime I was also still trying to tackle my physical condition - attending endless appointments, trying various treatments, see specialists, alternative therapy etc, all to no avail and my ability to engage with people and life in general slowly slipped away, leading to more isolation and fear and lonliness.
I was terrified of trying another medication as I couldn’t risk the panic attacks happening again but now my mind had tasted that level of terror I felt like even without the medication a panic attack was never far away and the fear of having one followed me everywhere. But I struggled on and did my best to get through each day. But, of course my depression and anxiety just got worse and worse to the point that I got chronic insomnia, was constantly shaking, had loose bowels, no appetite - you get the picture. I knew I couldn’t carry on like this so again I went back to my GP. Round 4 - He prescribed me Mirtazapine and again some Diazepam. The Mirtazapine made me real tired at first but that was a blessing to me. Over the space of a few weeks I slowly increased my dose to 45mg. That was last August and I am still taking this medication because it has really helped me with my sleep but unfortunately it has done absolutely nothing for my depression and anxiety.
Fast forward a little bit. Things got so bad a couple of months ago that I started to have frequent panic attacks again and I became too scared to leave the house. I was feeling more and more removed form life and the people I love as the depression monster swallowed me up and spat me out over and over again. I asked my GP for more help. He wanted me to be seen by a psychiatrist as soon as possible as it was clear I was heading for the danger zone. Round 5 - The psychiatrist recommended I start taking Venlafaxine (I have been prescribed the Venlilac XL slow release tablets). I discussed all my concerns with the psyche about the side effects I have previously experienced in the past. He was really understanding and told me that to give the meds the best possible chance of helping I had to keep my life as simple as possible whist I get used to the Venlalic and use Diazepam if I needed to.
So about 7 weeks ago at the start of my treatment I made a plan. I decided I needed to remove myself from all the potential triggers that could lead to a panic attack - which basically has meant me staying at home, in bed, my partner taking on all responsibilities to do with looking after house, child care, not having any visitors and not worrying about taking Diazepam if I need it - for now atleast. I started at 37.5mg Venlalic and have slowly increased to 225mg as that is the dose the psyche wanted me to reach. I have been on 225mg for a week now. Though I have felt very anxious I haven’t had a full blown panic attack which is good news and I think it is partly because I am keeping things as safe as possible. Apart from some headaches, constipation, night sweats, muscle tension, clenched jaw, possible heightend anxiety and irritability I haven’t felt that same uncontrollable crazyness that I did on the other meds. I was feeling really anxious any way so it is hard to separate my original symptoms from the side effects, something I am sure most of you may be familiar with. I hope the other side effects will wear off over time but compared to the other feelings I endure they feel manageable.
But I still feel incredibly depressed and anxious. I take no pleasure in anything, even the little things that used to make me smile are going, going, gone. I feel dead, as though all my reserves to keep going have now run completely dry and it doesn’t feel like anything will ever change. I am so worried that I will never want to leave the house again because life outside these walls is just too over whelming for me. I don’t know how to relate to people. I avoid everything. Fun and happiness feel about as real as a unicorn - mythical. I have regular, intrusive suicidal thoughts and though I would never act on them there very presence tells me how bad things have become.
I do want to get better. Please can someone, anyone give me some hope in terms of their positive experiences with Venlafaxine/effexor? Is there still a chance this medication could help me? I am not expecting miracles, I just want to be able to cope with life and feel like it is worth living...and I need to get in better psychological shape for my gorgeous little boy (he is now 5)
I now know that my physical condition isn’t going to get better but if I felt mentally stronger and alive I might be able to take some steps to come to terms with my physical pain and start to build a meaningful life. Not the life I wanted or ever thought I’d have but a life non the less. As things currently stand that doesn’t feel at all possible. I would really appreciate some encouraging words.
I am aware of the withdrawal horror stories surrounding the issue of coming off Venlafaxine but at the moment I don’t think it is in my best interest to think about this so I will try to cross that bridge if/when I come to it.
Thank you for reading all of this, I know its been a long one and I apologise for the ammount of info I have given. I just needed/wanted to get it on a page and to reach out to someone. The thought that just one person might read this is in itself some small comfort to me.
And to anyone out there reading this who is struggling with ‘the darkness’ I totally understand what you are going through. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the very best recovery in which ever shape or form it may arrive.
Best wishes, over and out, Gem
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