Stuck in such a rough place

[.Poppy.]

Hey all, I just need to vent a bit here.

I recently graduated college with a degree in speech therapy. Unfortunately, I need two extra years of graduate school in order to practice with this degree - and I wasn't accepted into any of the graduate schools I applied to. So I'm in that rough place where I have a degree that I can't do an awful lot with - plus, I've been in a stressed out state for the last year anyway because I wasn't sure this is what I really wanted to do with my life. My parents really wanted me to get this degree since jobs are plentiful and the pay is good, but I'm not so sure, and now it doesn't matter much anyway. They want me to build experience and re-apply, which is an option, but again, I don't think I want to go down that road.

So, I'm lost. It doesn't help that my twin brother got into his graduate school program, so now I'm kind of the "black sheep" of the family.

A lot of my friends don't know what they want to do, and I really want to take a little bit of time to find myself...I'm young and stubborn and I don't want to end up tracked in a career that I hate, so I think it would be good for me. However, my parents are concerned that I'm going to fall out of the game and they are making me feel incredibly guilty and like a dead weight - granted, both of them knew what they wanted to do at a young age and have been doing it ever since.

It doesn't help matters that back in February I lost my dog that I was incredibly attached to. It was really easy for me to be in denial about it when I was at school, but now that I'm home his absence is hitting me in the face. My mother mentioned a puppy, and I was wary at first but then began to get excited about the prospect of adopting a shelter pup - and it felt REALLY GOOD to get excited about *something* since my future is so uncertain and I just feel so worthless in general. But upon finding a few that I was interested in, she abruptly changed her mind.

So I started this week sort of angry. I was mad at my mother for changing her mind, mad at myself for failing to get into school, mad at my family for constantly bugging me about my uncertain future. I had to leave a job that I loved at my university because I am no longer a student there, which really hurt as well. But as the week has gone on, I'm less mad and just incredibly...sad. I feel really empty at times and others I feel like I am about to explode. I'm crying a lot. My family has taken notice, especially my mother, but at first she was angry because I was moping so much and now she is upset because I am making her feel sad. I tried to tell her when she asked that part of my problem is that I am scared about the future and what to do, but she just became angry and said I didn't understand how they felt, having to deal themselves with the fact that I don't have a set future.

I'll wrap this up because it's getting long, but basically I'm going back and forth between frustration that my family doesn't seem to care about what I am going through, and total sadness/guilt because I know that I have failed. I just don't know what to do.

[swgrl09]

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. My sisters are twins and I remember they would always struggle with competing and comparing themselves to each other. Even though you are twins, you are a different person than your brother. You have skills he does not have and vice versa.

If speech therapy is where your heart is, apply to some other programs or take a year off, work a little in whatever field you can, and re-evaluate. I took two years off before I went back to graduate school and I am glad I did, because I had no idea what I really wanted to do right away.

Do you have any supportive friends or family that you can talk to?

[.Poppy.]

Thank you for your reply.

I thought I had a supportive family, but I'm not so sure anymore. I would like to take a little bit of time off and work until I truly know what I want to do. However, it has been a week since I graduated and I've only been looking for jobs for a few days. I'm applying around, but obviously I'm not going to find something so quickly. It's hard because I am currently at home, and my family is constantly asking me what I am doing and what my plans are - I just need time, and I've told them that, but they are seriously concerned. So now I feel extra guilty for being a failure.

But on top of that guilt, I'm also upset because my brother has lived at home throughout college and has *never* held a steady job. He'll live here for at least two more years while he attends graduate school, again, without a steady job and with no pressure to get one because he has a foreseeable future (even though is program was far less competitive than mine to get into).

I'm very aware that I need to do something; that I need to make a decision and get on with my life, but I also feel like I need a little bit of time and space to work on it. I'm not trying to be a deadbeat, but I'm constantly made to feel like one. So as a result, I'm just a mess of emotions and I feel totally alone. I'm also questioning a LOT because I always thought I had the kind of family that would ALWAYS be there for me, and it doesn't seem like the case anymore.

Thanks again for your response - it makes me feel a bit better I know this isn't the end of it all - I am young and I have my whole life to figure out what I want to do and figure out how to get there; I need to enjoy the journey or I'm going to make myself miserable. It's just really hard to right now.