What the hell am I doing to myself???

[Linda01818]

I'm slowly, little by little, losing control of my mind and my thoughts. In other words, my mind and my thoughts are running my life. And I can't take much more of it. I mean, seriously, you know people who jot notes down to themselves throughout the day - things to remember, things to do on the computer once you get home, things to maybe look up and do some research on.

I just picked up a note I had written to myself about something I wanted to look up online. And at the time I wrote it, I didn't think much of it. But as I sat here and stared at it, reading it over and over again, I thought to myself my gawd... what am I doing??? The note I wrote to myself to look up online and literally research was "What happens when you die."

Really? Seriously? Who does that?!?!? I'm in tears because of this and it made me realize how often I think about death. It's constant. 24/7. I've talked myself so far into the belief that I'll soon have a heart and attack and die and leave my son behind that the last couple of nights (only at night while I'm in bed does it happen) I wake up off and on all night long with chest pains. I almost drove myself to the emergency room this morning. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. This isn't NORMAL. And all I want to do is live a NORMAL LIFE. A normal life without constantly worrying about how and when I'm going to die.

I can't take it anymore. I really can't. I'm ready to snap and I don't know what to do or where to go. I think I'm going to have no choice but to get back on the citalopram because it was the only thing that made me feel like a normal human being. But I've been avoiding it because the initial side-effects were pure hell and coming off it was a nightmare.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here, if anything. I just needed to vent. And I wonder if there's help for someone like me. Has anyone else been on cit and then went off and had to go back on? Were your side-effects just as bad? I need to know the truth. Because I can't stand 'me' anymore. Should I go back on my meds? Or seek help elsewhere? I take lorazepam (ativan) for panicky moments, but it doesn't help the GAD, not the stuff that's deep-seated into my brain.



(tried to edit to remove the word "hell" from my original title but it didn't work)

[tharidler]

hi linda

I know a lot of what you are dealing with and I have personally struggled with health anxiety for about ten years now and the fear of death since I was about 8-9 years old I understand how scary this can be I used to have aches and pains and also voids where I could not feel and these were mainly conjured by my brain and it felt as if no-one would listen the doctors were rubbish and would not listen at all (of course in reality they did listen but I refused to see that) I would lay awake and only have a couple of hours sleep at night all the while thinking of death I researched endlessly on my laptop and thought I knew better than everyone except all it actually did was to make my health anxiety go off the charts I am now a little better but it has taken time lots of meds and cbt and one on one with my psychologist I realise this maybe does not help that much at the moment but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and with time things can get better I need both meds and talking therapies but everyone can be different so just keep trying until you find something that works for you and first and foremost take care and be kind to yourself

[trish1955]

Omg my post is the next one down I have been dealing with this for near on fifty yes started wen I was 12 now 58 and as scare today as I was the day of my first panic attack tni king I was going to die that day and worried about it every day since at the moment I keep feeling like my legs ave like a cold tingly feeling making me fear the worst what is what if it spreads I wrote a thread as I said its just under yes how do you get past the fear of death can meds really take it away I have tried so many things I did try cits in Feb and even though I have had panic anxiety agoraphobia all these yrs I never went to a&e until I was on the third week of cits so now even more afraid of meds I tried hypnossis acupuncture CBT counciloring phycoligist were do I go I tried ft something that's called timeline therapy would like go try emdr thinks its called don't no I u can get it on NHS I would give it a go I just want alive I can live and not fear it thanks for listening xxxxx

[kurtis1990]

I also have this fear alot of the time. Its the uncertaintity that scares me. I keep telling myself its silly to fear death as its a promise thats made to each of us at birth. But still its scary...i fear the impact on loved ones more then fearing it personally

[Linda01818]

Thank you all for chiming in.

I have GOT to get a grip on this thing because I literally fear for my mental health, which is something I never worried about until the anxiety blindsided me in my early 40's. I ended up in the emergency room because I suddenly, out of the blue, started having panic attacks. The worst feeling I can ever remember experiencing, I didn't think I was going to live to see the next half hour of my life. However, after a full day's worth of tests, it was determined that my problem wasn't physical, but mental. Between the hospital and my doctor I was diagnosed with GAD and they slapped a script in my hand for the celexa. I'm rather pill-phobic, so that script sat in my cupboard for a couple of months before I couldn't take it anymore and had it filled. The first few weeks of initial side-effects were awful. Which is why I'm afraid to go back on it. I now wish I'd never stopped taking it. But after a few years of being on it, I felt much better and I wanted to see if I could get through life without the drugs.

So I weaned myself off slowly, tapering down a little at a time. That was a nightmare in itself, the withdrawal. But I finally got it out of my system and I did pretty good for a few years, only needing the occasional ativan, which my doc still prescribes me. But now the anxiety is beginning to creep its way back into my life. And the constant thoughts of doom and the constant worry about life in general is taking its toll on me. It's affecting every aspect of my well being. Those thoughts, no matter how hard I try and focus on other things, are always there. Always. They hang on and around me like a parasite, sucking away my ability to just enjoy life for what it is. I can't even drive anymore without first taking an ativan because I have panic attacks in my car. It's becoming debilitating.

I'm going to try yoga for a while. I've heard that can help with anxiety. I'm not really under any everyday stress. The only stress I have is the stress I put upon myself. Also it may help with my joints. My body aches all the time, there are some days I can barely move.

If that doesn't help, I'm going to have to succumb to the meds. I'll have no other choice. I have a son to raise and I want to spend time with him and enjoy life with him while I'm here instead of obsessing over dying and leaving him behind. I'm drinking too much and I'm not focusing on the things that really matter because I'm too busy fighting with myself.