Awful, awful anxiety - tight chest etc - various triggers

[NE21 worrier]

Hello everyone,

I'm having a tough time of it again - over the last 24 hours or so, I've had constant anxiety feelings. Tight throat, loss of appetite as usual are the worst symptoms. Also I have had diarrhea and moments of restlessness despite feeling exhausted, excessive sweating, palps. Took 2x2mg diazepam to get to sleep last night - although I did eventually drop off while reading something on the internet.

Triggers
A few possible options here:
1. New job - always a slightly stressful appearance - but this job is fewer hours and not as strenuous as the last one. It's tough learning new stuff, though - and I have lost structure to my life working in the evening.

2. Overnight stay in Carlisle - travelling back via several country pubs tomorrow. This is more likely to be the reason - my last overnight trip to Yarm on Teesside resulted in a constant state of anxiety and I ended up leaving early the next day.

*3. Withdrawal symptoms* - From yesterday, I've been attempting to withdraw from watching pornography/using the internet so much as I think I have an addiction. My laptop is plugged in for just about 24 hours a day sometimes and I have watched porn on an almost daily basis since being a teenager (I'm 30 now). My lack of structure has exacerbated this to the point where I cannot ignore the problem. Some of the porn I watch is of quite an extreme nature - nothing illegal but mainly down the fetish route.

It's something which I have touched on before but which I then neatly brushed under the carpet as I was struggling with lots of things. I think I may need professional help again as I have always been too ashamed to mention this in the two previous interventions which I have had. I'm not taking any regular medication at the moment but, as mentioned, I have diazepam for emergencies.

I don't know if I can do this Carlisle trip (we're meeting Newcastle station at 3pm today) - I don't want it to turn into another Yarm where I couldn't eat and just felt awful throughout. At the same time, I'm aware that an avoidance strategy is worst in the long-run.

Thanks for reading,
Peter

---------- Post added at 10:17 ---------- Previous post was at 09:48 ----------

Sat on the edge of my bed - sweating, shaking, coughing/dry heaving. All I can taste is acid in my mouth.

Going to get up, brush my teeth and have a shower to see if I feel any better. Otherwise, I think I'm going to need some diazepam. Don't know whether to cancel on today or not.

[AnxietyDJ]

Hey, sorry to hear you're really going through it right now... Doesn't sound good.

I don't know your background, or what you have suffered from in the past but I'm guessing that by the start of your message you made a recovery and have lapsed again? If that's the case then obviously try to focus on the positives as much as you can - you beat this thing once, and you can do it again.

With regards to your trip and all that goes with that - does anyone else that is going know about your condition and that you are likely to feel anxious and/or unwell? It would be great if there's someone else you could talk to along the way, which may help offload some of your concerns and make you feel a little better.

I highly doubt you are addicted to pornography - I would imagine most males (and some females) of the 'digital generation' have grown up with the internet and all that comes with it. Plus, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sexual desires and wanting to fulfil them - it is completely natural. I would only say that pornography perhaps has the potential to warp your expectations of sexual encounters in real life... As long as you can draw the line between fantasy and reality, then I see no problems whatsoever.

I myself find it very hard to go a whole day without checking my phone or booting up my laptop, so you're certainly not alone there.

Hope you're ok though - let us know how everything is going

[NE21 worrier]

Hi,

Thanks for your reply - yeah, I've been on this site a while - first acknowledged my anxiety in 2012, recovered and relapsed a couple of times. I've gone for a walk and managed a couple of bananas but my rib cage still feels like its literal metal cage so I'm still struggling.

While I was out walking, I let my mother know about my dark secret and the extreme porn that I watch as she is more like a close friend, a very understanding one. The issue here is that I am unable to draw the line between fantasy and reality - I've not had a gf in nine years and the other thing that will get me off is this extreme porn. It's also pretty habitual - nearly every time I'm on the internet for something and in my own room, I'll access that freaky stuff. It scares me as it's not who I want to be....

Peter