Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Good Morning. We all know the old saying, "every journey begins with one step." Well it's nice to have all the "book knowledge" about a subject, it's a totally different thing to put that knowledge into action. Kinda like when biblical Apostle Paul described himself as the "chief of sinners." Here I must confess I have trouble putting my words into action.

While everyone is guilty from time to time of not taking their own advice, for myself it cuts me deeply to think. I can say all the right words and still be derailed by the simplest things. Thankfully the compassion I'm learning to give myself does shine a light on the fact that self abuse is nothing but destructive.

Coming out of a religious background that focused more on being good instead of being forgiven. Gives you the impression the "holier" you are, the better a believer you are. So along with carrying that baggage around, coming out of a verbally abusive home, makes for a man with some real self abuse issues. Along with an overwhelming need to be in control and be perfect it everything, thus creating this perfect storm of self abuse.

I guess by now you might be asking yourselves, "okay, we get it." "Is there way out of this damning critique of one's self?" In my experience I guess to two best things you can do is learn to forgive your own imperfections. Then learn to love your imperfect self.

A good resource to read about the subject is an ebook by Kamal Ravikant titled, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. It's nothing clinical, just Kamal's personal journey to learning to love himself. It's a quick read, to the point, imperfect, and cheap. Another thing to note is, another problem I have is internalizing my problems and disappointments. Here is where a forum like this comes in handy. It allows me to vent and get really honest about who and how I am. Listen, you may not went to login 130+ posts like I have (I can be a bit chatty). But putting your feelings on paper or screen can really help.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. You'd think I'd be a better poster than I am. But for one, sometimes I just run out of things to say. Second, spring time has come in with a vengeance here where I live making me sick as a, sick dog?

As much as I love the spring, spring doesn't love me. But I will not let that stop my joy from seeing the dogwoods bloom and feel the fresh breeze. Still, at least in my situation, I would try and use any excuse I can to not do anything. (like not writing) To get away with not living life.

But life has a way of leaving you behind if you do that for too long. So I guess the moral I'll leave here today will be. Don't throw up too many excuses not to live, because pretty soon excuses are all you'll have.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. Today my thoughts have been focused on being thankful for what I have. Despite all my faults or problems, there are so many other things I can be grateful for in my life. I have a supportive wife, four good kids, and even a grandchild on the way. So for me to sit and complain about my panic seems a bit silly if you think about it.

But in a way, isn't complaining or at least knowing things can improve a good thing? While there are parts of my life to be grateful for and I am. Realizing that I can grow is a promise to myself that despite situations handed to us, we can do better. Life is a journey of highs and lows and whatever area of that journey you can improve. Don't be afraid to improve it.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. Earlier I wrote what I thought were some good words about compassion. But I had to excuse myself from the keyboard and when I came back and finished my post I was timed out and lost all that I had typed. If I learned a lesson from that I'd guess it would be, leave no computer unattended or more likely, don't take everything you say too literally.

Well I'm back and I'm thinking maybe a good note to leave would be about taking ourselves too seriously. You never know when you might have to "walk back" a statement or something you believe is true, then discover you were wrong. The situation here we all have in common, anxiety/panic, might give us a moment where I don't "feel" so in control. Your mind begins to race asking yourself, "what could it be". Oh, you can try to calm your racing mind and focus myself on the here and now, but some day soon that thought creeps back in.

When you suffer from too much "what if", as I do. Sometimes a good dose of "what is", is what you need to refocus. Our shared suffering already robs us of so much. So every now and then it's alright to take back some of the things we lost. Maybe it's walking in the park or having a conversation with an old friend. Whatever it is, don't allow the ghosts of "what if" steal your everyday.

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. Well it's been a few days since I last wrote. Since then I've kinda been under the covers, so to speak. I don't know if I'd call it a bout with depression as much as a just being tried of thinking about myself. I know that may sound weird to say, but every now and then writing and thinking about myself gets to be a chore. So I end up kinda like now, focusing on nothing. Maybe reading a book or listening to some music, anything but but me, myself, and I.

I think years ago it would have been called being melancholy, although maybe not that severe. I tend to have periods of this at times where I just don't want to be bothered with people. I'm sure most everyone goes through this. I think it can get bad though, when we feel like we are letting ourselves down or others down. Being that I'm not a mental health professional, just someone whom visits them a lot. I still think short periods of this are okay, because sometimes you just run out of things to say.

I'm fairly sure that's how it is with me. Where a little alone time is a good time to take a breathe and let it out.

[fduop]

Good Morning. I guess the biggest news I have is I'm out from under the covers, so to speak. The other news is I was offered a position with a business as an outside consultant. To be honest, it's more a sales position, which may not lend itself well to panic/anxiety. But I'm hoping that with the meds and therapy I can ease back into a "normal average life".

The one thing I think I can say for others is that we all want a normal average life. I wouldn't think any of us are enjoying our condition. So along with the various ways I've discussed at overcoming our shared problem. Being able to function like regular people is a dream we all want, that I'm sure.

So as I go through this new adventure I'll do my best to update everyone on my progress. Rather I succeed or fail, the point is to try. We know that this condition robs us of so much. So to try and improve ourselves is a good sign in itself. It shows us we are unhappy in this situation and want to be better. We can improve our situations, if we allow ourselves to try.

[MrAndy]

good luck with the sales role fduop I m sure you will be ok,I suffer with anxiety and work in a field sales role and get through each day ok.I do find it hard at times but its doable ,some days I even enjoy it a little
Keep us updated how you get on

[Davit]

This is part personal experience. The technical side is about exposure and I don't mean mooning people although that would be a distraction in some circumstances. Technically everything we do is based on past experience telling us how to do it. This is on the internet some where as the thought triangle. It is an eye opener for anyone who doesn't know it. It explains why off the deep end exposure doesn't work and slow and steady does. It is part of the CBT practice I used to get better.
Knowledge is power.

Davit

[fduop]

Good Morning. I just wanted to thank Mr Andy and Davit for the encouraging words. While I don't get too many replies to my posts (which could be telling me something). Hearing that you are not alone in a situation is always encouraging.

So if I have to leave a thought, it would be. Don't suffer alone. Rather through a site such as this, through clinical help, or even a trusted friend, suffering along doesn't help.

[fduop]

A little while ago I sent a note to a friend of mine that has encouraged me over the years. In that note, I mentioned that I'm feeling "better" and that I'm going to restart classes again. Along with that news, I mentioned to him that over the years I had learned that it took small victories to build my confidence and that defeat doesn't mean you're doomed.

After sending him that it got me thinking, that sounds like something that my friends at NMP might want to hear. As cynical as I can be, you'd think that passing out advice would be the last thing I would do. Still, as I live and struggle I want to be honest. And frankly the small victories I have experienced have really help me to accomplish a great number of dreams. But with the victories I have seen, there are many other victories I still desire.

I guess the point I'm working towards is, life for us is a battle. From the time we get up to the time we lay down we are in a struggle to see the next day. By facing those struggles we win, we lose, we live. And isn't that one of the things panic/anxiety robs us of, living. By making little steps, no matter how small, we are moving and isn't that what life is?